if I had to raise kids
I don't tell other people my ideas on parenting. I'm not a parent. I don't weigh in on it. But I do think about it, a lot.
And today I wanted to write something down about it.
Things you need to raise a healthy kid:
feed and shelter and clothe them
tell them when they do something right. Every time, forever and ever as long as they live. Give them the "atta boy" so they know you noticed.
Teach them proper manners. Just don't bend on this one. Like a puppy, if you let them jump and bite they become a problem when they're older, so be firm about this one. It may be the only thing you do force on them. Manners. Demand it. This is where the roots of honor, social skills, and future success begins. If your kid can't charm anyone, your kid is going to fail.
Support their interests to the best of your ability. You can't sent them to space camp but you can encourage the study, the obsession, the research, the learning. When they switch abruptly to a new interest, follow along and dive into that too. Because you don't know what skills your child will need to follow their dreams. Their fascinations are the closest clue anyone can have. Let them learn diversely or intensely as their brain grows. Whether they become a specialist or generalist, a thinker or a doer, a maker or a supporter, these things will come from the interests they study now.
Involve them in things they'll have to learn to do later, like give them the grocery list and a budget as part of their math learning, and have them figure out how to get the right food without blowing the budget. This will earn them their GED no matter what's going on with schooling.
Stop punishing your kid. But don't ever give in to a tantrum even if the kid is right. Make the kid calm down then talk to them like a person and don't assume you know what they can understand. Create space for them to pipe up and tell you what they don't understand, by patiently re-explaining it till they do.
Listen to them when they're not talking to you. You'll learn far more about your child by what they say to themselves and others than by what they say back to your questions. Plus it shows them that you're attentive.
Don't punish your kid. Oh didn't I say that enough? Consequences vs punishment is the difference between a logical result from a bad behaviour, vs an illogical unpleasantness resulting from making you mad. Kid flipped you off? Start flipping him off till he gets how damn ugly it is. You don't have to flip him off with the literal gesture either. Be creative. Give him the attitude he's offering at the key times when it will most irritate so he understands how it feels. Shouldn't take long. I once ignored a little boy for two weeks until he approached me with his etiquette hat on and addressed me politely. After that he liked me much better than other humans, and I treated him politely in kind. Simple manners teaching doesn't need punishment. Ignoring isn't punishment, it's with holding the privilege of your extended friendship. or not having access to luxuries may also be a way of consequences. "Well son, since you scratched the family car with your bike after being asked not to lean it against the car, you're going to be walking to X for N days. For example.
Listen 'rents, if you're not up for the tough job then stop trying to foist your dna upon the future as if it's some kind of right. there's too damn many of us and if we don't voluntarily cut back there's going to be a lot of misery coming down on us.
So the final is we need a cultural shift away from parenting as basic human activity to parenting as specially dedicated human activity done by qualified persons. Even if we still aren't forcing infertility on folks. Just the social pressure alone could drop the rates. Oh and if we don't solve the elder care problem they won't stop either because kids ultimately are counted on as old age support.
And today I wanted to write something down about it.
Things you need to raise a healthy kid:
feed and shelter and clothe them
tell them when they do something right. Every time, forever and ever as long as they live. Give them the "atta boy" so they know you noticed.
Teach them proper manners. Just don't bend on this one. Like a puppy, if you let them jump and bite they become a problem when they're older, so be firm about this one. It may be the only thing you do force on them. Manners. Demand it. This is where the roots of honor, social skills, and future success begins. If your kid can't charm anyone, your kid is going to fail.
Support their interests to the best of your ability. You can't sent them to space camp but you can encourage the study, the obsession, the research, the learning. When they switch abruptly to a new interest, follow along and dive into that too. Because you don't know what skills your child will need to follow their dreams. Their fascinations are the closest clue anyone can have. Let them learn diversely or intensely as their brain grows. Whether they become a specialist or generalist, a thinker or a doer, a maker or a supporter, these things will come from the interests they study now.
Involve them in things they'll have to learn to do later, like give them the grocery list and a budget as part of their math learning, and have them figure out how to get the right food without blowing the budget. This will earn them their GED no matter what's going on with schooling.
Stop punishing your kid. But don't ever give in to a tantrum even if the kid is right. Make the kid calm down then talk to them like a person and don't assume you know what they can understand. Create space for them to pipe up and tell you what they don't understand, by patiently re-explaining it till they do.
Listen to them when they're not talking to you. You'll learn far more about your child by what they say to themselves and others than by what they say back to your questions. Plus it shows them that you're attentive.
Don't punish your kid. Oh didn't I say that enough? Consequences vs punishment is the difference between a logical result from a bad behaviour, vs an illogical unpleasantness resulting from making you mad. Kid flipped you off? Start flipping him off till he gets how damn ugly it is. You don't have to flip him off with the literal gesture either. Be creative. Give him the attitude he's offering at the key times when it will most irritate so he understands how it feels. Shouldn't take long. I once ignored a little boy for two weeks until he approached me with his etiquette hat on and addressed me politely. After that he liked me much better than other humans, and I treated him politely in kind. Simple manners teaching doesn't need punishment. Ignoring isn't punishment, it's with holding the privilege of your extended friendship. or not having access to luxuries may also be a way of consequences. "Well son, since you scratched the family car with your bike after being asked not to lean it against the car, you're going to be walking to X for N days. For example.
Listen 'rents, if you're not up for the tough job then stop trying to foist your dna upon the future as if it's some kind of right. there's too damn many of us and if we don't voluntarily cut back there's going to be a lot of misery coming down on us.
So the final is we need a cultural shift away from parenting as basic human activity to parenting as specially dedicated human activity done by qualified persons. Even if we still aren't forcing infertility on folks. Just the social pressure alone could drop the rates. Oh and if we don't solve the elder care problem they won't stop either because kids ultimately are counted on as old age support.