The next 50 years

Well oh my.  The doctor never even inquired to check for parasites, a condition technically that could have been treated with over the counter or simple prescription, but only after a stool test.   Yet here I am after three days of treating for parasites, feeling alive again.  Oh I've got a lot of resting and mending still, but I"m not racing to the toilet every five or ten minutes and I slept last night and today feel optimistic for the first time in too long to remember! I don't know why but searching symptom-first failed to turn up a single mention of parasites.  My doctor never mentioned it.  Well, all she really did was act sympathetic and send a letter to a GE, and I'm sure it was the secretaries who did it.  So but as soon as I thought of it and searched it there it was clear as 8 bit text on a green screen.  My symptoms matched properly which they didnt' for any other condition including IBS.  They were loosely similar to other things but...

I got so fucking sick I just quit doing anything but sleeping.  I've also quit mostly eating, though I have given in to eating 3 eggs and a teaspoon of honey-sweetened chocolate for the last three or four days.  Since thursday evening till today, monday, uhm, (counts on fingers) four days.  I'd like to make it to the weekend. I have ALL the symptoms of parasites, minus the itching, and I strongly think it's a protozoan, not a worm type infection.  It's causing all kinds of issues nonetheless, and I've just kept getting sicker and sicker!  Apparently, the toxins they release can even be to blame for my terrible anxiety and stress responses.  I can't handle anything!! I thought I had cancer.  I got really upset about it and couldn't go shopping with Dan and so he had to go by himself.  I begged for a present to cheer me up and he came up with a box of plastic chocolates.  ~sigh~  I got upset all over again.  I'm over it now, but he ...

I finally found a definite gift in my illness.  I know the big payoff is learning to recognize and correct tension.  I don't have faith that I can successfully do that, so it's not currently very cheering.  However, I've realized another bonus.  I don't have to wear absorbents in my undies anymore!  I've spent the last few months clenching those pelvic floor muscles for all I'm worth, trying to wait to run to the toilet for nothing, prevent small sharts, control the spasms and slow the process, and generally operating them with great focus. Now years ago, when I was sexual (I do miss it but I don't know how to revive it with him.  He's got no sensuality due to his baggage issues.  Will he some day?  Probably not. If I can just awaken a sense of adventure in him I'll be satisfied!  So anyway, years ago I had pretty good control of my pelvic muscles.  At a very young age I came across an article in a woman's skin mag about them, explainin...

Feeling extra lonely and sad today.  First I got wiped out trying to get everything done in the morning.  Dan has stopped doing anything at all in the morning and of course after work he's too tired.  He says he'll do it at night, then says he'll do it in the morning.  So we're back to the neglect part of the marriage where resentment builds into abuse. For me, it makes me feel extra lonely because I have to do so much more while I"m sick and can't get it all done and feel like someone should be here helping me.  Someone in the world.  It really tells me I'm unloved, you know?  Sitting around sick with my dirty dishes, wiping myself out before breakfast just to keep the pets going, then having to nap before I can even eat!  Now I'm spending the day emotionally stressed. And to tell him about it?  Well that's bitchy, right?  That's calling him on his shit and that's loathsome.  That'll result in anger and abuse.  So I'm back t...

I've lost my fat.  After so many years, I'm not fat anymore.  I never felt myself in that layer of up to 50lbs at the worst.  My body felt alien, too soft, too much volume, and I couldn't bend right.  At one point, it was so hard to bend I had trouble with footwear.  Now I can put my knee behind my shoulders again!  I can put my toes in my armpit or use them to pick my ears.  I would like to be able to put them on top of my head backwards and now I'm skinny again, I just might be able. It's funny to me, I'm 138lbs now, probably wind up at around 130, and everywhere I look online, I'm told I shouldn't weigh more than 115.  But the only time in my life since childhood that I was that slim, I was a bone rack and unwell.  This is coming from doctors and web sites designed to help your health!!!  I find it infuriating how they mislead women.  I'm fine boned.  At my most athletic, lean, muscled, 28" waist, go all day on my bike, I w...

I'm finding that anything less than laying prone half asleep causes a flare-up, but that sleeping a lot, laying around a lot, is actually promoting measureable healing.  So I'm giving myself an honest pass to nap copiously and accomplish nothing more than what can't be ignored. Today I got Sam's cage clean, for instance.  But no house vacuuming or floor cleaning. I'm feeling like maybe, just maybe, if I can stop the inflammation from coming on, I can heal the damage and the blockage won't cause me too much grief. Days like this give me the hope back.  I get so scared when it just keeps happening, irrespective of diet, stress, etc. However, I am beginning to notice how I put all my alertness into my belly.  Whether I"m becoming animated in conversation, doing work, or focussing too much, or getting stressed by something.  All goes into my waist.  My back and my belly both go haywire and the muscle spasms make it all the way to my ankles some days.  ...

I'm watching a young couple's youtube videos and noticing that the woman seems to focus almost entirely on being the man's pet.  She's being cute, but she doesn't seem to take a lead in anything, do much active helping, or have many skills.  Now that's not because she is stupid, or less able, but because she's being a girl for her man.  He's accepting the helpless behaviour because he thinks that's what girls are like.  Could even be it's what he wants from her, because it makes his ego even bigger.  He's the one who can drive, plan routes, make decisions, figure things out, the capable one. So she's a pet, an accessory. If she fails to amuse or comfort him sufficiently, she has no value! I know he wouldn't agree nor would she, but I suspect a lot of relationships are like that.  So eventually the woman matures and gets tired of playing pet, as grown adults will.  Then what? So often, then divorce. I wish we wouldn't keep teach...

I just can't focus because everything I want to worry about is something that isn't ready to go yet and is planned as far as I can!  I keep going over in my head the pointless things I want to say to him.  As though somehow I'd find the entreaty that brings him out of his ego shell.  But I have.  I've had that conversation biannually for ten years.  We do this every few months!!! He always shows contrition mixed with denial and self aggrievement, and never does anything about it. I absolutely don't have a choice about leaving him.  It's so heart breaking and scary and hard and it'll be so much harder this way. I'm so disappointed with him.  So very sad and disappointed and I can't focus on anything else but my feelings here.  I can't do anything either.  I could do menial chores with my adrenalin but what's happening instead is I'm undoing the healing I'm working so hard to accomplish!!! That makes me too sick to do anything too.  An...

I say there's no hope in me yet I always dig some up out of my "wishful thinking" store. I found some excellent links on anger management for Dan.  He spent the time variously arguing what he didn't do to me, interspersed with arguments as to the personal creed of the author making the text invalid.  "She sounds like she's angry at some man and I won't take advice from an angry woman" he declared. He spent the whole night lying, dodging, shifting blame, and trying to focus the conversation on details and trivialities.  He has never been otherwise. So I must continue my plans to leave him.  Period. I need a container large enough for me and my pets.  I need it to pull a trailer with my smart car on it.  So I need a short bus with a hitch, and a flat bed trailer for snow mobiles.  Then I can move my furniture and pets into and just turn my back on all this and let it try to chase me across the land. I don't feel good not cleaning up the loose ...

"Research studies show that there are three social skills that create happy marriages: problem solving, emotional distress regulation and conflict management. Expression of positive words, maintaining a pleasant attitudes and the avoidance of conflict and negativity are other major skills in creating happy unions." http://www.angriesout.com/family2.htm So I am genuinely worried I've got cancer now.  Certainly if this pattern of raging till he gets me fighting with him doesn't stop I will have cancer.   I'm more scared of leaving my dog and parrot without my care than of dying. Dying is a nice solution for me personally. But I love my dog so much and he'd wither in Dan's care, like I have.  And you know Dan wouldn't notice till the dog died. I did some research on Alzheimers to see if that's what's going on with the rampant paranoia and rage fits but was relieved to see he just hasn't got enough of the other symptoms.  He DOES fit the pa...

I feel relatively normal today.  Not highly energized, but not fighting constantly to ignore some discomfort either. How lovely!  I've been sick so long I've run out of hobby habits and am sitting here at the PC over participating on social forums.  So I opened blogger to use that typing more safely.  I've already filled a comment thread on marijuana legalization, for instance.  I think I did a half dozen in a row.  I surely will strain my fingers! That parrot is going off.  He is rather like an ambulance siren going through various obnoxiously loud repeated noises.  He sounds off each noise in a repetition of three to five or six, then switches to the next.  Now and then he pauses, then off he'll go again.  Earlier it was the shadow of my outside prayer flags landing on the windowsill by his cage so I moved him.  Now he's probably wanting to return to his corner or something. I really don't know.  I just plop on sound-deadeni...

I am not in crisis, LOL, but I should catch up here.  Health wise, still not healed, but not as ill as I was.  I'm still in a state I would consider serious, and still unable to exercise or exert myself.  That has me worrying, despite the marvelous weight loss, because muscles can atrophy pretty bad over the course of a year!  I suppose I could try setting up the treadmill and seeing how that goes for me.  Gentle walking might not cause me too much grief and I've got to get moving again. I still worry about colon cancer.  I wonder if I'll be here to follow through on my plans for a future or will just drop dead in the near future.   Do I have count of years or months here?  If dying, then what use is the plan?  Does it offer Dan an alternative way to survive in Canada?  Well, that'd be worth continuing for I suppose.  I hate the idea I might die and leave the dog and parrot without my care.  That sucks the worst.  I don't...

I discovered that for half the price of a flatbed trailer we can get a nice long bus, often recently safety certified!  So that makes a lot more sense financially and practically.  Of course it also means mechanical concerns, and that it's a bus.  Buses have never been much welcome in the kinds of places tiny houses park.  But then they do have their own nomad community you soon catch up to, and they're pretty awesome people.  Probably better for us than the kind who cluster into intentional communities.  Bus people wouldn't have as many rules. Yes I'm saying "us" again.  I couldn't not communicate with Dan.  Firstly because he gets back on his best behaviour and I like that man.  When he's a nice guy, he's my friend.  If he could live in that state more routinely we wouldn't have a problem.  Also, I was listening to John Martyn and that song "may you never" (look it up on youtube, it's really good) came on. among the many loving...

When I was a kid we lived in a pretty untechnological world by today's standards.  Oh don't get me wrong, we were on the cutting edge, modern, replete with gadgets, gizmos and marvels!  There were little devices that sang to us and a box that showed moving pictures in full colour.  We had machines that let us pull thousands of pounds with only a light small old woman as a driver! Anyone, even a child could move a mountain. Well and so on, you know, we were only aware of how far we had come thence, not what was not yet invented, or how great our unsolved problems were, or the miracles that awaited us. Today, however, I can look back and see the changes.  Some are curses rather than miracles but that is always the way of it, isn't it? Take video.  I grew up on TV so there's always been some recourse to distraction from stories.  However, the TV often let us down in the early years.  You'd tune in and find only test pattern screens, or programming that ...

People are told to plan for their old age.  To ensure when they get sick and old, there's money to cover costs.  I never did.  I never ceased to hear about either.  My parents were bad for that. But in truth, suppose I was now sitting on as much surplus as I am debt.  Well what would be different?  How would that money help me find people to hire?  I can't find them now even before I discuss costs. How would that money help me bridge the gap and communicate with strangers or tolerate intimacy?  How would having money help me find any service people I could trust? Frankly I think that money would just be bled away by the wide world of hungry thieves.  There's so many "legal" ways to take your money, from inducing poor spending choices to outright taking money "fees, costs and taxes" and the cruelty of inflation.  Sure, the dollar value goes down, so your $1000 that you worked so hard to save would have to be worth far more, but the inte...

What a low day today for me.  Probably the cold grey and snow, I dunno.  I just feel like nothing is worth putting any energy into.  I don't feel like my mind and body would have the ability.  Well my body, probably.  My mind, however, doesn't want to focus, to think, or to do, but does want to be amused and excited! So it snowed.  Till this moment I presumed all the roads out there are sheets of ice but then I realized as soon as I got out of my residential neighborhood the well-trafficked roads will all be clear.  The ground isn't frozen yet and tires and engines warm the asphalt.  So I should consider shopping for wool.  That would be fun.  I want something suitable for the warp for my green sweater.  I got this amazing yarn years ago for my first loom and wove a small patch of fabric with it.  Said fabric was so poorly woven I spent yesterday tearing it apart. If I'm to warp up 3m at a time, however, I need a thin strong ...

After the birthday fiasco I realized he's not changing nor interested in changing, nor unaware what he's doing.  He's very devious and won't ever admit or come be honest.  I figured that out the year after we married.  He's never been able to stand up and be real in the face of anything unflattering.  I don't know why.  I don't care anymore.  I didn't want a fixer-upper in the first place and this man is killing me.  His wanton destruction of my ego and peace of mind is deliberate and petty.  It's nothing more than schadenfreud towards someone he simply doesn't like. I could sit and analyze why he hates me but it's irrelevant.  Love has turned to hate and it's simmering quietly and coming out in petty little jabs and aggravations.  He's always neglected me and always fought me whenever the opportunity presented, as though my function was to play windmill to Don Quixote. He's unfailingly negative and pugilistic.  He stomps on any...