The next 50 years

 I can't sleep. I always have trouble sleeping, but thought yeah, 3 hours at a stretch, not so bad, right? Wrong. after months and months it does build up and, what's more, explains the majority of issues I suffer, from the yawnies to the mood swings.  I never really made that connection till I was trying to find a reason for the yawnies. The yawnies are when I get stricken with constant yawning.  Constant. Eye watering and half asleep at my desk and wondering what's wrong with me.  Oh yeah. I thought diet, or nutrition, but the internet insists it's sleep deprivation. So I thought, ok, the woodstove maintenance and fear of being woken up by the fire department for "living in" the bus are keeping me awake, I'll move back to the house.  Great, got a good memory foam mattress, dark space, I'll sleep. Yeah right. Nope. Every 90 minutes I wake up with a hurting arm.  I flip sides. Check ostomy. Realign pillows to keep me off it. Fight the frustration and p...

 Oh boy, I know the name of the asshole who bullied me this autumn. See, a bitch called the city with a bogus complaint and they sent this asshole in to "deal with" me and he came on strong like bullies do. Straight up aggressive, accusatory, insulting and manipulative. Like ask a question then interrupt the answer with another question or to tell me he thinks I'm lying. Over and over. Prying questions. Vague threats of "something" and "you better comply" without any direction to which I could comply, and like that. He pushed his way into my bus uninvited, then started to take pictures.  Well at that point I pushed him back out physically because my protests were falling on deaf ears. So finally we're face to face (covid and no masks) and shouting at each other. He's shouting "smoke detector" and I'm shouting "carbon monoxide detector" like school children. The whole time he's got no rights in the first place to inve...

 my brain spends a lot of time trying to explain to some future questioner why I'm disabled.  Because people hate me. They hate on me for many reasons.   Reasons like my sexuality, my gender presentation, my opinion or lack of an opinion, my honesty, my non-conformity, my morals or lack thereof.   Oh boo, I've just been hit with an attack of the yawnies. It's not that I'm sleepy, but does register like sleepiness. It's a lack of something on the body, not enough iron, not enough sugar (common if you eat too much sugar and your body overreacts) and so forth. Makes me sleepy. Can't think the higher thoughts. Plus which the damn dogs are fighting again and the parrot is screaming at them and the man in the corner is hunkering down under his headphones. 

 I think I'm there, you know.  I really do think that I've found a way to fill my time and my life without people in it. Happy alone.  It's funny, I kept thinking I had to fill my life with experiences to help me in times when I'm old and stuck.  I'm old and stuck but mostly just want to forget my past entirely. So much of it tainted with unhappy moments, tiny traumas, if you will, that I can't really enjoy my memories like I thought I would. It becomes a mining expedition for evidence of bullying far too often. "No, wait, she wasn't, yes, that's what, oh for crying out loud, why'd they do THAT to me?"  You start out reminiscing on a waterfall and end up crying for yet another new realization that just hurts.  you didn't have the perspective then that you have now, so the betrayals were invisible.  Sometimes that was the way they rationalized their behaviour, like the disney trip.  Not only family for me, though, I seem to rub every bul...

 I'm not allowed to talk about this, but yet my thoughts may come of value if I work them out right. First nations people are the ones who travelled the furthest in evolution. North america did not evolve a hominid from an ape, far as we know, but rather each and every homo sapiens arrived here after travel. Whether by bering land bridge, frozen glaciers, storm tossed boats, or hurled by hurricanes, they all came from somewhere else. Some may even have navigated frequently between here and the old world, like north africa and mesoamerica, or the pacific islands and the west coast. There is much we don't know as fact.  Well does this not suggest that the first nations people are the most explorative and innovate races on the planet? The product of the most travel and exploration.  They need to figure out on the fly what is good to eat and hunt and how, use their copious skills to tame new beasts, kill new monsters, find new foods, and etc. I hope I live to see the day they...

 it's a skill your brain needs to practice!  I mean, it's literally not easy, and you easily forget, but if you keep going and going anyway, it gets easier. Today I noticed that a newscaster's hair colour was much different, and not just the lighting colours. Well maybe, but I remember she's gone distinctly grey over the years and that the colour right now was natural grey/black, with pale pink, blue, and purple streaks in the white highlights.  Or maybe it was lighting. But anyway, my utterance was "she's having fun with her hair!  Good on her. It looks fabulous every time whatever she's doing!"  Now in olden times my mother's voice would have supplied some cutting remark instead. I expect that my unfettered tongue in social situations must have been doing the same thing, but I can't watch myself while I perform. So even doing it when nobody is there is doing good for your brain and your ability. There is a higher chance next time I'm arou...