sleep deprivation

 I can't sleep. I always have trouble sleeping, but thought yeah, 3 hours at a stretch, not so bad, right? Wrong. after months and months it does build up and, what's more, explains the majority of issues I suffer, from the yawnies to the mood swings.  I never really made that connection till I was trying to find a reason for the yawnies. The yawnies are when I get stricken with constant yawning.  Constant. Eye watering and half asleep at my desk and wondering what's wrong with me. 

Oh yeah. I thought diet, or nutrition, but the internet insists it's sleep deprivation. So I thought, ok, the woodstove maintenance and fear of being woken up by the fire department for "living in" the bus are keeping me awake, I'll move back to the house.  Great, got a good memory foam mattress, dark space, I'll sleep.

Yeah right. Nope. Every 90 minutes I wake up with a hurting arm.  I flip sides. Check ostomy. Realign pillows to keep me off it. Fight the frustration and pain or pull up a video on the phone to try and calm down. Sleep, 90 mins later, pain again, the other arm now. Whichever arm is on the bottom. Now I'm throwing my arm up under my pillow, with the pillow holding my head's weight, bunched up on either side of my arm. I've got another pillow trying to keep my chest from rolling forward and another under my upper leg trying to keep my hips straight. If I put that leg straight I roll backwards.  IF I can get all right I might fall asleep, but this arm bullshit is new. then if I'm starting to drift off, the stoma will let out a fart to scare me.  Because if the stoma starts operating, I have to stay awake and babysit it.

I'm feeling so crazy this morning. I just want to fucking die and stop struggling. My sleeping loft feels like a torture room. I can't even sit up and take time off forcing sleep, not enough head room. In the bus I could sit up and watch tv or something.

Seriously sucks to be me.

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