does anyone care?
"Meltdowns can take the form of screaming, crying, physical aggression or it can be a shutdown where there is no speaking or activity. In either situation the person with ASD is in tremendous distress. Their safety and emotional stability should be the top priority above all other considerations."
I saw this video of a kid having a tantrum and his dog interfering to comfort him. It was titled "dog helps asperger's kid with meltdown." It was exactly the kind of emotional meltdown I suffer all too frequently.
It left me weeping. Why? Because everyone seemed to give a damn about the kid's emotional distress. I've never experienced that. When I hit emotional distress it's always been a case of "oh there she goes again, taking over the room with dramatic hysterics. Get her out of here and make sure she regrets it."
Now I see above that there are people who actually think it's not okay for someone like me to feel the way I do so often. I feel even more alone and unloved now. What's so awful about me that my pain is so much less important than even the tantrum of a child? I once was part of an online autism community. It was great being there until the sociopath joined. I knew she wasn't autistic simply by how well she dialoged and self-advocated herself. From fat welfare hoarder to world-traveller with free electronics, she bargained her "autism" all the way to emigrating to a country where they gave her a house and a nanny so she could pop out babies and be important.
She also took over the community. Completely. Till any dissenters or unsympathetic parties were driven out. I was among the last to give up, but I remember people saying "Oh, well we had to support X instead of Y because Y is so much stronger, she can take it." I'm still handicapped by the emotional scarring that caused. To this day. I'm such a fucking mess anymore I can't even run errands some days. But I'm strong? Why? Because I give in so quickly and take the martyr's route? Because I slink away to my room to have my meltdowns instead of holding people responsible for the abuse they heap on me?
I'm down to two people who seem to love me. I have trouble accepting it because let's face it, we're clearly all mad. The world has spoken, I am to be reviled and kicked aside by all and sundry and these two idiots aren't complying.
Then I say to myself "well one is an alcoholic "dry drunk" as well as antisocial, self centered to a fault, and so ridden by oppositional defiance disorder that he can't even pay his bills himself anymore. The other, well, that's a person who regrets the transgender process he underwent, has a ton of other hangups that would make the DSM proud. Not exactly a stellar representation of sanity, hmm?
So it doesn't help me feel worthy, you know? But I do love that they are here for me. It does keep me from suicide to have someone visit weekly and someone, who drives me crazy, but earns the money that keeps things going.
If I were living here in 20th century neglect on what they give out to the disabled anymore, I'd surely just rot into the ground if not kill myself properly. I'd be so sick just from poor diet that I would be helpless. I wouldn't have learned the concept of the paleo diet, could never afford to eat fresh, and wouldn't have any way to get that food home anyway, since I wouldn't have a car.
You ever try doing your groceries by transit? Oh sure, in a sane city where transit is used by commuters, but this isn't that. This is a city where the transit is a charity service used only by the very poor. It's poorly done too. So you're hauling groceries into a bus after trekking them up to a quarter mile to the stop and waiting however long till the next bus gets there because they have long between times. To plan your whole trip down to the minute to ensure you're there on the hourly moment the bus arrives would be the only solution. So you've spent up to a half hour in the freeze or heat with your lettuce, and meat. Now you're going to ride all the way downtown, well past the turn to your neighborhood with stops at every block. Now it's been 90 minutes your food has sat out of the fridge. The lettuce won't freeze but it'll wilt and the meat? Well I hope you packed a cooler bag and frozen blocks with it. Now you wait out in the sun or cold at the open air terminal with the thieves and one lazy security guard mostly in his office for up to an hour, depending on whether it's the work day or not. Work day hours have more frequent service. Only workday hours.
So then you get your bus and it's another twenty minutes plus another quarter to half mile walk to your house, grocery bags tearing at your fingers and arm.
Nice.
Yeah. Autism is very much a disability and it's made my life very narrow and lacking in any sense of importance, purpose, or value. How can I have self worth when I have no value to anyone?
And why doesn't any care when I'm so upset I'm hitting myself? Why too, do you reject me for not caring about your hangnail level problems? You want me to spend an hour listening to you go on about something like the price of shoes but you're not there when I need my shoulder's rubbed and my head patted to help me calm down, are you?
Nope.
I saw this video of a kid having a tantrum and his dog interfering to comfort him. It was titled "dog helps asperger's kid with meltdown." It was exactly the kind of emotional meltdown I suffer all too frequently.
It left me weeping. Why? Because everyone seemed to give a damn about the kid's emotional distress. I've never experienced that. When I hit emotional distress it's always been a case of "oh there she goes again, taking over the room with dramatic hysterics. Get her out of here and make sure she regrets it."
Now I see above that there are people who actually think it's not okay for someone like me to feel the way I do so often. I feel even more alone and unloved now. What's so awful about me that my pain is so much less important than even the tantrum of a child? I once was part of an online autism community. It was great being there until the sociopath joined. I knew she wasn't autistic simply by how well she dialoged and self-advocated herself. From fat welfare hoarder to world-traveller with free electronics, she bargained her "autism" all the way to emigrating to a country where they gave her a house and a nanny so she could pop out babies and be important.
She also took over the community. Completely. Till any dissenters or unsympathetic parties were driven out. I was among the last to give up, but I remember people saying "Oh, well we had to support X instead of Y because Y is so much stronger, she can take it." I'm still handicapped by the emotional scarring that caused. To this day. I'm such a fucking mess anymore I can't even run errands some days. But I'm strong? Why? Because I give in so quickly and take the martyr's route? Because I slink away to my room to have my meltdowns instead of holding people responsible for the abuse they heap on me?
I'm down to two people who seem to love me. I have trouble accepting it because let's face it, we're clearly all mad. The world has spoken, I am to be reviled and kicked aside by all and sundry and these two idiots aren't complying.
Then I say to myself "well one is an alcoholic "dry drunk" as well as antisocial, self centered to a fault, and so ridden by oppositional defiance disorder that he can't even pay his bills himself anymore. The other, well, that's a person who regrets the transgender process he underwent, has a ton of other hangups that would make the DSM proud. Not exactly a stellar representation of sanity, hmm?
So it doesn't help me feel worthy, you know? But I do love that they are here for me. It does keep me from suicide to have someone visit weekly and someone, who drives me crazy, but earns the money that keeps things going.
If I were living here in 20th century neglect on what they give out to the disabled anymore, I'd surely just rot into the ground if not kill myself properly. I'd be so sick just from poor diet that I would be helpless. I wouldn't have learned the concept of the paleo diet, could never afford to eat fresh, and wouldn't have any way to get that food home anyway, since I wouldn't have a car.
You ever try doing your groceries by transit? Oh sure, in a sane city where transit is used by commuters, but this isn't that. This is a city where the transit is a charity service used only by the very poor. It's poorly done too. So you're hauling groceries into a bus after trekking them up to a quarter mile to the stop and waiting however long till the next bus gets there because they have long between times. To plan your whole trip down to the minute to ensure you're there on the hourly moment the bus arrives would be the only solution. So you've spent up to a half hour in the freeze or heat with your lettuce, and meat. Now you're going to ride all the way downtown, well past the turn to your neighborhood with stops at every block. Now it's been 90 minutes your food has sat out of the fridge. The lettuce won't freeze but it'll wilt and the meat? Well I hope you packed a cooler bag and frozen blocks with it. Now you wait out in the sun or cold at the open air terminal with the thieves and one lazy security guard mostly in his office for up to an hour, depending on whether it's the work day or not. Work day hours have more frequent service. Only workday hours.
So then you get your bus and it's another twenty minutes plus another quarter to half mile walk to your house, grocery bags tearing at your fingers and arm.
Nice.
Yeah. Autism is very much a disability and it's made my life very narrow and lacking in any sense of importance, purpose, or value. How can I have self worth when I have no value to anyone?
And why doesn't any care when I'm so upset I'm hitting myself? Why too, do you reject me for not caring about your hangnail level problems? You want me to spend an hour listening to you go on about something like the price of shoes but you're not there when I need my shoulder's rubbed and my head patted to help me calm down, are you?
Nope.