autism is a disability
So I've read entire encyclopedias, three sets in grade school. I've read my way through libraries, entire magazine series, and thousands of books both fact and fiction. I've taken courses and classes, watched thousands of documentaries, and explored and experimented on my own beyond that on hundreds of topics ranging from rocket science to coddling eggs.
It's my thing. My gift. Nobody's ever wanted it. I'm a girl, for starters, and nobody likes a smart girl. Nobody likes someone who acts smart either. If you're smart you're supposed to go out and use your smarts to get rich and then they'll respect you. But that requires a high level of dishonesty. I know this because I spent a few years studying that too. Financial success requires certain human qualities I do not possess. Smart isn't enough.
All these years I've tried to look after my brain, believing it's contained knowlege to be a marvel and a gift, and that one day people would use it and appreciate me. Now they've got google and they have even less interest. I mean, google can't put two disparate facts together and spot a connection the way a human can. It won't read the biology of metabolism, the chemistry of nutrition, and the politics of food production then conclude that we're all starving a little to make rich men richer, even while the starvation makes us morbidly obese.
But google doesn't present as human so it's not ascribed an attitude nor expected to talk about anything but it's data. it's not expected to ask you questions and make you feel good.
I think I've reached the point where I cannot socialize anymore. I will try and maintain the basics of picking up goods but as my inability to respond appropriately worsens this might get impaired too. People give me such cruel looks that it ramps up my anxiety. That makes me even less capable and they get even more judgemental. I hear their minds. Words like "stoner" "high" "crazy" float across the mental spehere at me and I mentally bat them away as hallucinations in my inner mind, but the looks I get at the same time give truth to them that haunts me day and night.
Autism, I might be able to haul a wheel barrow load of sand, but I am most assuredly disabled.
It's my thing. My gift. Nobody's ever wanted it. I'm a girl, for starters, and nobody likes a smart girl. Nobody likes someone who acts smart either. If you're smart you're supposed to go out and use your smarts to get rich and then they'll respect you. But that requires a high level of dishonesty. I know this because I spent a few years studying that too. Financial success requires certain human qualities I do not possess. Smart isn't enough.
All these years I've tried to look after my brain, believing it's contained knowlege to be a marvel and a gift, and that one day people would use it and appreciate me. Now they've got google and they have even less interest. I mean, google can't put two disparate facts together and spot a connection the way a human can. It won't read the biology of metabolism, the chemistry of nutrition, and the politics of food production then conclude that we're all starving a little to make rich men richer, even while the starvation makes us morbidly obese.
But google doesn't present as human so it's not ascribed an attitude nor expected to talk about anything but it's data. it's not expected to ask you questions and make you feel good.
I think I've reached the point where I cannot socialize anymore. I will try and maintain the basics of picking up goods but as my inability to respond appropriately worsens this might get impaired too. People give me such cruel looks that it ramps up my anxiety. That makes me even less capable and they get even more judgemental. I hear their minds. Words like "stoner" "high" "crazy" float across the mental spehere at me and I mentally bat them away as hallucinations in my inner mind, but the looks I get at the same time give truth to them that haunts me day and night.
Autism, I might be able to haul a wheel barrow load of sand, but I am most assuredly disabled.