It's a crying shame
How exactly do you go out and get human co-operation if you can't stop crying long enough to make a phone call, anyway?
it feels like it might just keep going forever but history favours a stopping point. How is my pain so unimportant? How is this me being strong? How come I don't qualify for medical marijuana, community support assistance, or even a social group in which to build a support network? How is my pain so irrelevant?
Even if I don't describe is as pain because it's too familiar and constant to count, it's still completely disabling me. The dishes barely get done. The floors don't get swept or vacuumed enough, the bird cages don't get cleaned often enough, the garden is gone to weed and long, and I'm not accomplishing any of my goals for this summer. I'm not even able to fake a cheer as "sales person" on the street in this condition, so can't even sell my wares. I'm too fragile even to have faith in my art, let alone convince anyone to buy it. Then when I do go out, when I have a good day and make myself step out and face the world, it's mean to me. It treats me like an embarassment to be hidden away asap.
To be kept away.
Why? Why is their discomfort so much more important than mine? I'm unable to function even at a basic level because of it and their tolerance would make so much more difference to my ability to recover from life's little stings. Instead, they sting me more.
My face is a mess. My body posture that of a woman with too much weight on her. My hygiene is even low, although I don't think I smell. I wouldn't actually know, my head is stuffed up with too much crying. Talk about your allergies, try an 8 hour crying jag some time. My pets are freaked out by it too. There's occasional moans and sobs, and out loud rants as I try and think my way out of something that frankly requires direct care, physical care. At this level it's like I'm extremely ill and what I need is soup, tea, clean house and quiet.
Now Dan is home early from work and it looks like he's all day. I hope he's low maintenance today. Even when he's nice he's a burden emotionally because I feel ashamed of emoting around him. And I lose all my privacy.
it feels like it might just keep going forever but history favours a stopping point. How is my pain so unimportant? How is this me being strong? How come I don't qualify for medical marijuana, community support assistance, or even a social group in which to build a support network? How is my pain so irrelevant?
Even if I don't describe is as pain because it's too familiar and constant to count, it's still completely disabling me. The dishes barely get done. The floors don't get swept or vacuumed enough, the bird cages don't get cleaned often enough, the garden is gone to weed and long, and I'm not accomplishing any of my goals for this summer. I'm not even able to fake a cheer as "sales person" on the street in this condition, so can't even sell my wares. I'm too fragile even to have faith in my art, let alone convince anyone to buy it. Then when I do go out, when I have a good day and make myself step out and face the world, it's mean to me. It treats me like an embarassment to be hidden away asap.
To be kept away.
Why? Why is their discomfort so much more important than mine? I'm unable to function even at a basic level because of it and their tolerance would make so much more difference to my ability to recover from life's little stings. Instead, they sting me more.
My face is a mess. My body posture that of a woman with too much weight on her. My hygiene is even low, although I don't think I smell. I wouldn't actually know, my head is stuffed up with too much crying. Talk about your allergies, try an 8 hour crying jag some time. My pets are freaked out by it too. There's occasional moans and sobs, and out loud rants as I try and think my way out of something that frankly requires direct care, physical care. At this level it's like I'm extremely ill and what I need is soup, tea, clean house and quiet.
Now Dan is home early from work and it looks like he's all day. I hope he's low maintenance today. Even when he's nice he's a burden emotionally because I feel ashamed of emoting around him. And I lose all my privacy.