The next 50 years

I've been chasing relax for awhile now. the tension makes me hunch and it's pinching my arm nerves and it's not good. It hurts, and weakens my arms. So relaxing is a problem for me. I feel like I need to be ready to leap into action all the time. I can force a relax on my body but it's good for a few seconds at a time. I was getting better. Then that bylaw officer bitched on by. I was out walking one of the dogs, rain was absolutely pissing down. The kind of pissing down that is unbelievable even while it's pounding through you. Dog has just had her crap and we are ready to go back. But wait, that car has stopped, rolled it's window down, it belongs to the city, and the woman inside wants to know how I've been. This is the woman who gets to decide if I sit quiet or get tickets so I have to be polite. In the fucking drenching rain. I try and get to her point, asking if there's something she needs to tell me, or are there changes afoot. She alludes that...

I feel so solitary tonight. Like, I want to just talk about things but there's not really an outlet. I went to the knitting group for the 3rd week. I was proud to show off my socks but they were ignored, except maybe for the dude who soon after went from sitting beside me to sitting across the room and table from me. Swiftly, much less. I found that move so pointed I just packed up and left. After all, I wanted to learn socks and I did.  This has me having to think more deeply about my desire for community vs my nerves. See, another thing I just figured out is what ails me. It's not CFS, or MS or another mysterious nervous system disorder. No, it's simple nervous exhaustion. I didn't realiize itcould manifest like this.With such a wide range of alarming symptoms. So I am now adding nerve system rest to my lifestyle. One way is to lay quiet with ablindfold, possibly knitting, or with ambient or classical music playing and no ads. Another is to mask the city noises ...

It was a difficult december.  I felt pretty low and my allergies were flaring often. Then someone fundraised for me and we used my credit card for it, meaning not only can I pay for repairs, but I can alternately also choose to save what was once monthly payments towards something like dental or veterinary or rental deposit or car maintenance. So that lightened my mood.  I also was able to replace my bus batteries so I can keep the diesel heater going. Well the disability forms seemed lost to me and that was bumming me out.  The dietician from the hospital called and I told her about it and she must have gotten through to the advocates to track down the application.  It finally did get submitted and while I waited for it to show up as pending, it got approved.  Like it went through immediately or something.   Well I figured, ok, might be some new advantages now, not much will change, my current multiple barrier status is equal in most things, right? We...