anxiety

I've been chasing relax for awhile now. the tension makes me hunch and it's pinching my arm nerves and it's not good. It hurts, and weakens my arms.
So relaxing is a problem for me. I feel like I need to be ready to leap into action all the time. I can force a relax on my body but it's good for a few seconds at a time.
I was getting better. Then that bylaw officer bitched on by. I was out walking one of the dogs, rain was absolutely pissing down. The kind of pissing down that is unbelievable even while it's pounding through you. Dog has just had her crap and we are ready to go back. But wait, that car has stopped, rolled it's window down, it belongs to the city, and the woman inside wants to know how I've been. This is the woman who gets to decide if I sit quiet or get tickets so I have to be polite. In the fucking drenching rain. I try and get to her point, asking if there's something she needs to tell me, or are there changes afoot. She alludes that no, nothing at all, then slyly mentions that city hall is meeting next week. (they meet weekly, duh) and leaves it at that.
Meeting about us? No? Yes? Bitch just dropped a turd on me essentially. I did not need that. Are they changing the policy? Effective when?
I emailed the woman at the charity asking if they're going to help me or not, in more diplomatic words.
I also sent email to credit counselling, finally got that done. My shyness/fear has reached a point that it's not a handicap anymore, it's an actual obstacle. I dont' just work to overcome it, I work to recover from thinking about it. I mean, it's not lost on me that society thinks I deserve to be in constant suffering because I refuse to flatter them with imitation. How then do I trust this same population? If I was housed, I think I could at least gain the status of nominal human, but right now, I'm the unforgiven, the unforgiveable, the worst of the worst. Walking target for hate. I've got cooties and the other kids will not play with me.
So anyway, the shock of wondering how much longer this will last hit me hard and I'm struggling bad with that nerve pinching again.
I need housing and can't wait for magic to deliver Flotilla. Magic is lovely and all but not exactly fast. I mean, ok, it's often last second rescue, but that's doing my body a ton of damage. I can't just keep trusting, so much bad has actually hit me so many times. I still have anxiety every time I run the bus now, because of the attackers last year.

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