disability status achieved

It was a difficult december.  I felt pretty low and my allergies were flaring often. Then someone fundraised for me and we used my credit card for it, meaning not only can I pay for repairs, but I can alternately also choose to save what was once monthly payments towards something like dental or veterinary or rental deposit or car maintenance.

So that lightened my mood. 

I also was able to replace my bus batteries so I can keep the diesel heater going.

Well the disability forms seemed lost to me and that was bumming me out.  The dietician from the hospital called and I told her about it and she must have gotten through to the advocates to track down the application.  It finally did get submitted and while I waited for it to show up as pending, it got approved.  Like it went through immediately or something.  

Well I figured, ok, might be some new advantages now, not much will change, my current multiple barrier status is equal in most things, right?

Well so this has released just enough worry for me to suddenly remember what relaxing my body feels like.  Something it's been months since I could remember.  Years?  It was getting critical with pinched arm nerves from the cramping and crouching as a body response to the need to lean into a fix, hide from the problems, and reach for the future.  A combination of preparing to leap and fetal position, if you will.  It's been taking over my sleep as well as waking.  No amount of stretching or back cracking has stopped it.  It's driven by the fear mind, see.  It wants to go get that enemy and face that fear and get it over with and or let it pass by unseeing, either way, get me past this period of difficulty. 

So that's easing, as is my mood state, because some of my problems are finally solving.  

I'm here.  I'm resident.  I'm official, and officially not  expected to solve my life and become normal.  Whew.  About fucking time. 

Also, from $685 to $1010.65 or something like, I did not realize there was such a jump in income.  

I celebrated with some pastries and chocolate milk and cheese and chicken dinner for me and the dogs.

Damn I can braise a chicken breast till it cuts with a fork and remains bouncy, and turn the butter drippings into cream gravy reduction.  So good.

Been fat lately, 150lbs, but not sure how much is stuffed belly because things are not moving well.  Everything is bloated and painy and it's slowing me down extra.

I worry that I won't be able to get the surgeons to understand that fixing the hernia is only half the solution. They need to address the adhesions. At least the one next to the hernia site.  The farther one I can stand to live with and it's better when you leave it alone.  It's gambling with a risk of it sprouting two where one was removed. Scab tissue healing can do that.

As to my family matters, I was not able to get information from probate court. I couldn't find the right menu items on the website and the process servers said they no longer had counter service at the courthouse, I can't use them to get the documents. 

I felt frustrated and tired and stressed.  I thought about it. Even just complaining that the will is unfair to me as the abused one in the family would require retaining a lawyer and they want money up front. And I don't even know how much money there is to ask about.  I know my sister has opportunity, ability and motivation to bury the estate in math all the same.  So I sat there thinking about how much it sucked to feel that way. How little the odds of getting anywhere were, and that if Probate court was going to do anything in my favour, they'd get through to me when the time comes.  After all, they're still tryihg to find my late father as trustee.  LOL  Whatever, see, that's where I need to put this.  Off my agenda.  Off my mind.  Off my hopes and plans. 

The red house stays in my imagination.  But I also think I should just design a brand new one as if I will somehow have enough dosh to pay a builder linked with the marina to build one to spec and have enough money also for the various fees associated with getting into the marina. 

Yeah. Or maybe there is a rental I can find, like that other rv dweller said he did.  He got a job at the marina and within a week, a rental. 

I would love a job at the marina but I don't know what they could hire me for in my current condition.  I honestly am not fit to be around people that much. Not right now.

Speaking of,  I've started going to a knitting group set up by CMHC and it's taught me how to do the tricky part for socks. Whew, about damn time, eh? I just did one heel, but stopped to catch up here.

Well, so I still don't know where I will live, but am stable here, for now, they ignore us as long as we do not generate any complaints. The body shop next door must not have rights over this strip of parking because they only came up with bogus unrelated complaints.  One, they accused me of littering, and the cam footage shows me routinely cleaning. The other, of a septic leak, and I have no such facilities on board.

Why not just complain about parking?  They do on the other street out front.  Sooooo, yeah, ok, this is not part of their block.  the other two sides of this triangle are, not this one.  It's all about the frontage. 

Bus does need more TLC.  Dan replaced some bad belts as well as the new batteries, so that's helped too.But we need to address the brake booster, it's critical. And now the radiator has a leak.  I wonder can I repair it with solder?  We would have to drain it, sure, but I have a welder, I have torches, I have soldering irons, I have solder, I should be able to fix?  Perhaps in situ if we remove just some cover bits around it?  Must examine that.  it might be a simple threads wearing out needing retapping or plumbers tape solution.

So yeah, finding the extra $ in the budget is huge and I am finally being able to stop being so tense I can't do anything but hold my body in a frozen posture not breathing, or cramp up into a hunch back leaning to the right as I slowly start to imitate the fenty fold.  Which is an interesting drug effect, I must say. Can YOU operate and function while hanging from the waist?  All damn day?  WTF?  How?  But they're drinking drinks, eating snacks, smoking their pipes, walking around, digging in bags, talking to each other, all upside down.  

Ok, joseph out.