The next 50 years

Yeah, so I use asthma meds for my allergic reactions to things. There's two inhalers, one blue, one orange. The blue is cheap, about $20 a pop, and you use it at need.  The orange, meant to control the condition, is $100 a pop and used twice daily. It comes with a whole hoard of scary side effects and cautions too. Like you can get thrush from using it, for instance. Every time I discuss it with a pharmacist or doctor the bottom line is there's no reason not to use the cheaper blue one as needed.  But every time I order it, they ask how much I use it and suggest I should be using more of the orange to control the problem. And I have that conversation again. Again asking why the orange is better, pointing out that the answer they're giving me is empty (they say "well the blue one is just a bandaid."  I answer "how is damping my immune response not the same kind of treating the symptom but on a different level?  And does it not have more and worse side effects?...

Here's a funny thing. The world thinks the british royal crown prince wed his baby mama in 1981.  Well I watched it live in 1983. I moved homes just often enough in those years to be able to date it that exactly. I know what room and what tv I was on and what time of day and what I was doing and where I was in my life. 1983.   Now why would the crown alter that date the world over? Just a minor change and nobody paying attention.  Few really care, and fewer still trust their memories that well. After all, they weren't royal obsessed as I was then. They weren't experiencing such radical change in their lives that they could date it to the year and the season by what home they were in. They have been taught to not trust their own memories by a society that has been gaslighted over and over to keep us unsettled and manageable.  But I remember.  I can only imagine it must relate somehow to the legitimacy of the prince's heirs.  Diana was a bit of a strumpe...

So I thought of something we need transpeople for.  We can truly call out the sexism. We are people who've been treated as both genders.   Like, thirty years ago, my words were light and irrelevant and my voice small and annoying. My input wasn't welcome and at best tolerated for propriety's sake. Then mostly not heard and ignored. Sometimes it would be heard and used.   I mean, mostly I do give good advice and I have good insight and I'm good at ideas. But as a woman, nobody cares, I don't have the authority required for that. Because being "smart" or having useful input to a group is reserved for persons in a leadership role, which is a power role, which belongs to power trippers. Always. If you want to participate you must also be a power tripper and play The Game and, well, be born male, or presumed cismale, at least.  Cispassing man. Ok so I'm not passing in person (love the alliteration there) but online, yeah, people are just rolling with the pr...

I think I understand. I don't think I have it. Ok, lemme run through the process, reiterate the conversation I had with nobody. You tell them they're being cowardly, afraid to accept reality, so creating a bigger reality, or denying it. Etc.  The Alt right is a good current lable, but this kind of human personality type has been here a long time. Scared and trying to control everything, trying to stir everyone else up so they don't feel so chaotic in spite of being such chaotic persons.  So the right calls a left cowardly. I know, I've done it myself. It's blatantly obvious to me that the conservativism I see is born of fear, driven by fear, motivated and justified by fear. Aka cowardice.  But you see, it doesn't get through to their hearts like we want it to. We say that, thinking we'll drill through to the person inside, the idealistic teen who wanted to be a good person.  But no, what we do is train them on a new good insult word. They eventually start us...

yah really bad.  Ok, so I sleep out in the RV in summer as it's too hot in my regular bedroom and anyway it's more fun sleeping out there. But I don't have toilet facilities there. I can pop out back and pee in the yard or use the dog poop bucket to change my colostomy.  Well along about 3:330 am I'm woken up by nothing whatsoever, as often happens. Well not entirely nothing. I get up every two hours to pee no matter how little water I drink. I have to fully dehydrate myself not to. Very much a sleep enemy. I often sleep late just to make up for it. I go to bed pretty early, but don't get to sleep till midnight. So most nights I get about 3-4 hours of interrupted sleep.  Well when I woke up at 3:30am my colostomy was active. At first it was just the usual deer poop turds that drop to the bottom but it quickly turned to the peanut butter poop that clusters at the top and would rather push the appliance off my skin than move to the bottom of the bag! it's doing it...

As I move to being perceived male, I am changing things about myself to be more in compliance with gender norms. Oh I'm not kidding myself about ever not seeming like a sissy gay man, I would be shocked if I could hide the sissy pants in conversation. But I find myself trying. I caught myself doing a "magic hands" lift as I got up from a squat. It's just a mental thing in my mind like I'm using "the force" and it's ultra nerdy. As a female, it's extremely pretty. As a man, oops, did I do that?  So the last time I caught myself doing it, I made myself practice going up and down in a more "manly" way.  LOL  The squats are also welcome exercise when I'm not feeling too sick to be active.  I've managed through all this to maintain flexibility, balance, and basic strength.  So on a good day I can still dip under a barrier or bend or squat readily. Climb and clamber too.  I'm more cautious than I used to be, feeling like I might b...