bad dream

yah really bad.  Ok, so I sleep out in the RV in summer as it's too hot in my regular bedroom and anyway it's more fun sleeping out there. But I don't have toilet facilities there. I can pop out back and pee in the yard or use the dog poop bucket to change my colostomy.  Well along about 3:330 am I'm woken up by nothing whatsoever, as often happens. Well not entirely nothing. I get up every two hours to pee no matter how little water I drink. I have to fully dehydrate myself not to. Very much a sleep enemy. I often sleep late just to make up for it. I go to bed pretty early, but don't get to sleep till midnight. So most nights I get about 3-4 hours of interrupted sleep. 
Well when I woke up at 3:30am my colostomy was active. At first it was just the usual deer poop turds that drop to the bottom but it quickly turned to the peanut butter poop that clusters at the top and would rather push the appliance off my skin than move to the bottom of the bag! it's doing it now too, just won't move down in the bag, and I have to massage the loathsome mass with my hands to move it down.  Or go through three times as many bags changing it more frequently. Yeah, I pay half a dollar every time I crap. You can see already why I can't tell anyone about this dream.
So I drift fitfully in and out of sleep, not quite able to settle.  
list of things that stop me sleeping:  I am not comfortable in the positions that work for my colostomy.  If I sleep on my back, theoretically the colostomy would work freely, but I'd choke on my own throat. So I sleep on my side. The wrong side, of course. The other side is the side I slept on fifty fucking years. So but then you can't actually sleep on your side, you'll flop over to your back or stomach. If I let myself relax too much, the colostomy still gets compressed into the mattress. So I fuss a long long time with pillows padding myself just right so I'll be able to relax my limbs, not get a backache and my colostomy won't be compressed. 
That's when my foot starts up one of those "you MUST SCRATCH NOW" itches. The kind that hurt stabby stabby if you don't. 
Okaaaaayy, start all over. Lungs are whistling.  Grab ostomy site and hold in the hernia and try to clear the lungs.  Oh no, better get out of bed and empty the bladder or you'll piss the bed while coughing. Another hour has passed. By now I need to empty the colostomy again. So the night passed, not actually getting to sleep till 8am when I planned to get up.
Well when I did finally fall asleep I dreamed horror. In my dream the appliance got pushed off my belly and I didn't have a fresh wafer to hand to put it on and I was out in the RV where I didn't have a toilet to stand over. Here in the house my supplies are in reach of the toilet and there's a shower I could use to wash off. In the dream I couldn't get even in the house, the stoma was pumping out poop in massive splashing pulses. I put a jar over the thing to catch it and it pumped the jar full. I grab a bag and it fills the bag. I look down and my legs and pants and belly and crotch are fully smeared in the foul brown and the stoma keeps spewing and it's all on the ground now and I can't do anything. In the dream I wonder why I'm not more upset. I know it's the most horrifying experience ever and I should just be screaming by now. Why aren't I?  Later I understood because I was in a dream and not getting my physical body in on the act.
But then the memory of the dream has been with me since. I can't like call someone up or pop into a store nearby "hey you'll never believe the dream I had."  Even if there was someone to tell I couldn't because it's too horrible to share. And too horrible to keep to myself. Thank you anon blog for being somewhere to put this crap.

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