things I find myself changing deliberately

As I move to being perceived male, I am changing things about myself to be more in compliance with gender norms. Oh I'm not kidding myself about ever not seeming like a sissy gay man, I would be shocked if I could hide the sissy pants in conversation. But I find myself trying. I caught myself doing a "magic hands" lift as I got up from a squat. It's just a mental thing in my mind like I'm using "the force" and it's ultra nerdy. As a female, it's extremely pretty. As a man, oops, did I do that?  So the last time I caught myself doing it, I made myself practice going up and down in a more "manly" way.  LOL  The squats are also welcome exercise when I'm not feeling too sick to be active.  I've managed through all this to maintain flexibility, balance, and basic strength.  So on a good day I can still dip under a barrier or bend or squat readily. Climb and clamber too.  I'm more cautious than I used to be, feeling like I might be more fragile. I certainly take far longer to heal. I used to heal at almost superhuman speeds, now it's just a good speed. Like I used to see at 10x magnification with my astigmatic left eye but now need readers.  I really feel like I was wasted and it wasn't for lack of effort on my part.
Well so the way I move, that's one thing I need to start thinking a little emore about. I was heavily trained to sit and stand and walk and gesture in certain ways that are now really taboo.  I've got this transition time to correct them. 
Then online I'm already passing because what you say is what they get. Women are responding to me as a man now. It's so radically different that you can really tell the women who hate men from the ones who are equalists.  Just as the women can tell when they're dealing with a misogynist! 
I'm finding myself trying harder to express myself as an enlightened man, to give them more space. Or to notice if a woman has already said something, and credit her if I choose to elaborate. I'm ok with getting in trouble mansplaining because, frankly, I've had that problem since I read my first encylopedia set.
I was thinking about how I had first hand experience in women's clothing design and if I found myself in the future doing design, how curious it would be. I would stand there looking, sounding, and being a man in society, explaining how as a woman, this same person couldn't catch a break, for being too much this person still standing here, being successful. That this, more than anything, speaks to the need for trans and women's rights.  I didn't change my gender to get ahead, but I can say I had to change my gender before I could get ahead.  I changed it because I found out it was possible.  Simple as that. As soon as I thought I could, I did. Because I knew what was going on with me better than anyone else did. 
Yeah, that was a fun daydream. Funner than the kind where I'm camping in some urban rat's nest hiding successfully from everyone.

Popular posts from this blog

End of January, good news mostly

I feel so solitary tonight. Like, I want to just talk about things but there's not really an outlet. I went to the knitting group for the 3rd week. I was proud to show off my socks but they were ignored, except maybe for the dude who soon after went from sitting beside me to sitting across the room and table from me. Swiftly, much less. I found that move so pointed I just packed up and left. After all, I wanted to learn socks and I did.  This has me having to think more deeply about my desire for community vs my nerves. See, another thing I just figured out is what ails me. It's not CFS, or MS or another mysterious nervous system disorder. No, it's simple nervous exhaustion. I didn't realiize itcould manifest like this.With such a wide range of alarming symptoms. So I am now adding nerve system rest to my lifestyle. One way is to lay quiet with ablindfold, possibly knitting, or with ambient or classical music playing and no ads. Another is to mask the city noises ...
Read more

why I do my own hair

I booked myself in for a hair appointment yesterday.  I thought it went well, although during some points I sensed she'd turned on me.  However, she was too professional to be obvious about it so I wasn't able to know if it was paranoia or instinct, you know?  I mean, normal humans would sense these things clearly, I'm just left with a vague uncertainty I can't trust.  I can't ask anyone about it as they'd always lie.  Humans always lie.  That's the problem.  They lie, and they expect you to do the same and I just can't. I got done my hair appointment, she tried giving me a discount, several times, as though she'd done something horrible to me, but I was innocent yet.  When I was giving my hair a better look in the bathroom I finally realized she'd swapped the pink and blue colours and I had blue hair with pink accents instead of pink hair with blue accents. I stopped by the salon to make sure she knew, and she acted like she thought that was w...
Read more

does anyone care?

"Meltdowns can take the form of screaming, crying, physical aggression or it can be a shutdown where there is no speaking or activity. In either situation the person with ASD is in tremendous distress. Their safety and emotional stability should be the top priority above all other considerations." I saw this video of a kid having a tantrum and his dog interfering to comfort him. It was titled "dog helps asperger's kid with meltdown."  It was exactly the kind of emotional meltdown I suffer all too frequently. It left me weeping.  Why?  Because everyone seemed to give a damn about the kid's emotional distress.  I've never experienced that.  When I hit emotional distress it's always been a case of "oh there she goes again, taking over the room with dramatic hysterics.  Get her out of here and make sure she regrets it." Now I see above that there are people who actually think it's not okay for someone like me to feel the way I do so oft...
Read more