The next 50 years

In addition to visting the disability advocate this week I got an appointment at the job office.   So the disability thing, they cannot appeal the current one because it's too badly written. It's a 16wk waiting list, so late november. Which is about when the meds run out. The ostomy stuff looks to be covered by the person's with multiple barrier designation for which I do qualify. Now here's an interesting thing, the job's place offers counselling. Ordinarily you get 10 hrs/mth, but as PWMB I get more, she wasn't sure how much but implied it was at least double if not unlimited. Unlimited would be excessive, but like 3 times a week for 90mins would probably be really useful. They can do full psych assessments, full physical abilities tests, just a lot of useful metrics and that creates a paper trail for my disability claim. Even if they do get me employed I still need that for a higher support level in general. It's a lot more than just money or employa...

It's the end of a terrible day.  Running around in an unhideable funk wishing death on the world and literally ramming through crowds rudely and hollering "no you aren't" at people who use the word "sorry."  I couldn't even make it till group drop in started.  One guy there couldn't stand me and shut me out real fast and I just knew these people were going to tell me I didn't belong there, I needed something or someone else, good luck with that. People in British Columbia seem as a whole to be the sort to wave at a drowning man and cheerily wish him a good swim, while full well knowing he's drowning. Well I went around to a few reception desks getting the same damn overwheling piles of uncurated cold call numbers and got home exhausted.  Called 211 because i was still too freaked out to sit still and I thought it was the crisis line.  Well it was a help line, and  really just just a place to compile a list of numberrs to call.  But she did pu...

I have settled on an idea I can stand and I am shocked by it. It shocks me because it reveals a depth of "don't give a fuck" to which I never knew I could sink. It shines a spotlight on the limit of my character. The point at which I will abandon my humanity to avoid personal suffering. First, I thought, hey, propane tanks open at one end of the bus, incense burning at the other, take bird and dog and walk away, then submit for arrest.  Then, I realized, just threatening to do that online might be sufficient if I do it clearly enough. Skip the violence, do the charge for intention instead of action. Best yet. Plus, terrorism is a fine guarantee of a lifetime indoors. I'm an indoor human. We do better for the animals than for the people.  Now, yes, the threat might result in confiscating the bus and contents but not putting me in custody. Totally thought of that. That's when I begin a guerilla terrorism campaign targeting wealthy people. Sabotaging trails ...

Ohhhhh, I'm feeeling all kinds of feelings here. Terror, despair, anger, frustration, confusion. All at once. suicidal ideation and all. I got denied for disability. I mean, the doctor didn't know me. Most of my medical records are missing, i have no doctor at all, and the guy basically indicated that while I have challenges, none of them are very bad anyway. Like I clearly can lift because I don't have a PA getting packages home or assisting with household chores. (don't have a home, don't have money to buy packages, wtf?)  Because I have no choice but to do for myself, I clearly can do for myself? Or maybe it's not getting done at all? What would possibly indicate that I needed help? I'm homeless and unsupported, where would this information be generated? I need help, badly. They give me just 20 days to appeal and I have nothing with which to support my appeal. I am getting $600 a month and have to pay for my meds and ostomy supplies out of that...

So there's this guy who's locked in a shouting match with his dog. It's pretty awful to hear and even worse to observe. Dog is helpless in a tiny cage, man is leaning over slapping the cage and shouting threats and imprecations.  I knew it was no harm to me, but my body didn't. I got so shook I trembled for some time after removing myself from the vicinity. I never really thought about this reaction before but the people around this man are not having a similar response. Marcus, for example, who needs a serene environment or his nerves shock him, finds the shouty man easy to ignore. Mind you, Marcus keeps trying to do this to MY dog. Leans over her telling her what for. Not asking me to correct something but straight at my dog. Which she naturally doesn't understand. But what she does get is he's being threatening and she gets more uncomfortable around him. So I take her home. Like I did with Dan, I step in and protect her from shouty men. I have shouted...

Gratitudes OooweeEE! Have Idodged a bullet staying put. The seemingly cute little alley off the side with the tap and the outlets has become a toxic little kingdom very quickly. I saw it so fast. That guy pushes his belly and his bellow quite readily. he is horrifically loud 2 blocks away here. Was it Squat warning me, that instinctive "don't do it" to which I habitually listen? Instinct, a goddess, name it as you like, I think I shall give thanks to the most lovely and admirable Squat, goddess of parking. Because it's about parking. From day one I have felt unwilling to park even on the edge of the ICBC building. At first I assumed it was open and actively calling the city, but in time it just felt unwise."Wait, wait, wait and learn, you're safe now, sit still and be worthy of respect in what you do." And so I did, and now, it's beginning. Regulars are being human towards me and I'm dodging that shouty man and the trauma it clearly ind...

I walked down through the thick of the press of humanity covering the streets just a block away from the touristy areas, then into the touristy area too.   I think maybe I will avoid those areas, it's not good for my brain and I'm not useful to them. Nor welcome, really. People just live on a spot on the sidewalk and just don't move from it if they can help it. Like I imagine cave men lived in caves, but these people have only the doorways and canopies of the uncaring buildings to shelter them. I saw a ton of petty crime too. People selling all manner of things that were either food not properly packaged and kept, or stolen goods. Whether stole from people or stores, it really all looked stolen and some of the "shop keepers" looked pretty healthy for the location. But I don't know how poor they yet are, for sure. But like, the pile of suntan lotions or the kitkat bars or the deodorants, all sorts of things someone could shoplift. Mostly it's 2nd han...