mental peace is a luxury

I have settled on an idea I can stand and I am shocked by it. It shocks me because it reveals a depth of "don't give a fuck" to which I never knew I could sink. It shines a spotlight on the limit of my character. The point at which I will abandon my humanity to avoid personal suffering. First, I thought, hey, propane tanks open at one end of the bus, incense burning at the other, take bird and dog and walk away, then submit for arrest. 

Then, I realized, just threatening to do that online might be sufficient if I do it clearly enough. Skip the violence, do the charge for intention instead of action. Best yet. Plus, terrorism is a fine guarantee of a lifetime indoors. I'm an indoor human. We do better for the animals than for the people. 

Now, yes, the threat might result in confiscating the bus and contents but not putting me in custody. Totally thought of that. That's when I begin a guerilla terrorism campaign targeting wealthy people. Sabotaging trails and bridges and maybe some arson. Put up signs indicating that I am protesting the wealth gap the housing crisis and the abandonment of society's indigent.

Terrorism is as bad as you can be charged, even without racking up karma points, even worse that actual serial killing. There is no harsher charge to get into prison.  

"But Joe," you reply, "What makes you think there are any supports in prison still?"  

Well, honestly, I don't, but I do know I won't be sitting alone not being able to do things I have to do, knowing it's getting worse, and or ripping my body apart trying to meet my needs without support.  Its getting worse too, and there is no doctor to see, nor could I take the remedy of surgery with NO CARE SUPPORT. Damn thing happened as a result of no supoort in the first place and things are only getting worse. Including the random joint pain striking me in both feet and legs without warning. Diagnosed? By whom?

I know they have running water and drains. I know they serve food, I just sit and eat if I want it. I know there's a locked door between me and the outside world and temperature control on my side of it. At this point it's more than i can do for myself.

"Well how do you think you could pull off terrorist acts?"

Oh so glad you asked. Firstly, I won't get any sleep or food so I'll be kind of crazy and numb, so emotionally it will be like a schadenfreude kind of pleasure as I spend the long empty hours stealing tools to set up traps here and there around the city to create random wee spots of terror. Terrorism doesn't have to be big events, it can be dozens of little ones. Lemme tell you, when that nice couple from the nice condos gets pulled off their bikes at 30km/h by a wire across the path, they're going to make a lot of noise. When more are found all over the city, well, it's going to get attention, and they'll have a little sign posted declaring it the anti capitalist terrorist monkey. Or something.

See, this stuff gets me fired up. I feel rebellious and angry and strong. Picturing myself laying in a puddle of my own feces (from no colostomy appliance,) being accused of drug addiction, because I am too tired and hungry to look human? That makes me very upset. So does the image of a gang of cops pounding me into the pavement for being sassy in public.  

Plus the internet said I should use it to make a splash and i do agree.

the shocking part for me is the glee I feel at what is undeniably cruel intentions. It's like at age 61 my caring has completely snapped. I feel alone in a world of monsters and none of them seem real or important anymore. Even the nice ones are faking it, after all.

I guess that's the crux of it. Caring is conditional. You don't care about me, so I don't care about you, and that means I don't care how my efforts to care for myself affect you.  

You know, some of the drivers who go by don't just not care, but actively hate at us. Revving and honking at us as they pass. It's a level of hate that is infectious enough to turn a monk into a terrorist.

I also have indeed considered self immolation but I'm terrified they'll save my life and I'll be a burn victim laying on the sidewalk in east hastings, no fingers with which to spin bark into rope to string across trails in the early morning light. No feet to carry me to parks to create potholes with sticks or unscrew all the bolts in the safety railing, and etc.

Maybe take a bathroom apart with pocket tools. I'll keep my pocket tools until arrested, you betcha.  

I am also going to start talking about it immediately, so that we maybe can bypass a lot of anxiety and time. Because I need a plan for when I finish trying to get help.

I do not think there is help, because I've seen what is going on down in the street. Many of those people sought it and were denied, I am sure. You can't tell me those thousands of people all collectively never tried to get help, yet they're so obviously suffering without it. Ergo, I will ask and be buck passed to a list of phone numbers.    

I will be likely asked not to return to the drop in center because they aren't equipped to handle someone with such serious problems. They will say maybe there's a clinic down on hastings or perhaps I should see if north vancouver has services.

Terrorism might suit me. I"m very resourceful, well educated and well read, lots of eccentric skills and knowlege, and the ability to still research via libraries reference sections. I might still have my copy of the anarchist's cookbook. hmmmm 

Ttyl, I will try to keep you posted if things accelerate. As long as I have internet access, I guess. Currently Dan pays the cell bill so for now, internet in my pocket. Mind you, if i have to type with the onscreen keyboard on account of losing the bluetooth one, you won't get much and it will be hard to read. If you hear of a terrorist sabotaging public services in the greater vancouver region, you'll know. I will focus on places the indigent aren't allowed to stay. Because duh.