The next 50 years

Once again the homophobes are trying to express themselves as if they were reasonable people. "Why do you have to be special?" They complain about us queers getting attention and cluttering up the media with our concerns.  Well, let me tell you, I am not special, nor do I wish to be special. I didn't want to be singled out in grade school then told by the adults it's because I "insist on being different."  I was just trying ot be me, like everyone says you should!  I was also trying to conform as dictated by my peers and the adults.  I was clearly failing.  I didn't want to be told I was unique, or weird, or that I didn't fit in. I didn't want to be teased for my clothing choices or how I sat, or tilted my head, or my intonation when I spoke. I didn't walk in and say "Hey look at me, I'm better than you." I walked in and everyone expressed some form of dismay at my arrival.  Bullies picked on me with temerity as the others stood...

 Sometimes I miss having someone to talk to, but it's really just wanting someone to complain to. Somewhere in the back of my mind again I keep thinking somehow that someone else would have a solution.  They only have sympathy and actually I don't want that. I come away unsatisfied and having annoyed someone else. I just want to whine.  I busted a rib muscle. Earlier this week my ribs started hurting on both sides. Mild, but made coughing harder and I quit smoking weed because I'm trying to cough less. then two nights ago during a hard cough, something suddenly flared pain and left a sharp pain behind that swells when I move, cough, twist or bend. "intercostal rib muscle strain."  Now, the treatment for that, as I said to Dan, is "don't cough."  More or less, it has to rest and heal.  I've been doing well enough that today it was hardly bothering me. Then I thought of the idea of putting on the waist belt thingy I bought. It's meant to hold i...

 I'm onto a youtube therapist talking about childhood ACE factors. First one was "types of toxic families" and I ticked off four in one! Now he's talking about sibling abuse.  I never really tallied it up but yes, that too. My schoolmates and some teachers bullied me physically and emotionally. I used to think I was "lucky" because I'd never been punched or knocked down and kicked at school, but I did get kicked and punched by my siblings. the most memorable is being squished into the corner of a couch by both at once kicking me, it was a fight over couch space and I wasn't allowed any.  Big brother called me snotnose, all the time. I didn't have a snotty nose. He just wanted me to get the hell away from him and his friends.  My sister was weird, though, she was just really distant, and when we did talk, bragged on about how hard she tried to get people to be nice to me.  I know she was lying, however, because she also stood in the circle of laug...

 We're all well acquainted with the knowlege that marijuana disrupts your short term memory. That much is true, and the effect can linger a day or two if you've been smoking heavily. However, it's not permanent. Take a break from the pot and your memory restores. Much of the effects of marijuana in popular awareness are pure BS or teenager hijinks.  You've been young and used some form of inebriation to excuse silliness or rule breaking, if not worse, right? Now it's true that alcohol can create absolute chaos in one's moral fiber, but marijuana does not. If anything, it strengthens that fiber. Stoners are pretty sociable folks.  They share, they care, they listen, they hug, they feed each other and offer a bed for the night. I never met a stoned person who wasn't nicer than a straight. Oh, those are ancient hippy terms for those who take recreational drugs vs those who don't. Straights are sober people with a stick up their ass and that's what keeps...

 I'm having a crappy day and want to get my bitch out. If I can. I just don't have any patience left. I spend so much time trying to just catch my breath.  I just walk to the bathroom and I'm out of breath.  I can't do shit anymore. Can't face the work I have to do because I know it's going to be hot, sweaty, painful and slow with a ton of coughing. I cough so much it gives me a constant back and head ache and of course my chest always hurts. I wish I could see the doctor.  Problems with that include the medicine being too expensive already, much less doubling up on it.  I can't remember to take it in the evening anyway.  And frankly I still don't think it's the right treatment for me. It's a stop gap, a bandaid, and not nearly big enough to properly cover the wound. But when I try and complain he cuts me off to cut short to the finish which is, get this, I'm faking it and exaggerating because I feel lonely and want love from The Good Doctor....

 These thoughts swirl in my head so much I thought I'd write them down. I'm just sitting around doing my thing, carding yarn back to fleece to re-spin in order to use up loom waste, and the stench of piss and shit keep drifting up to my nose. I've changed my ostomy, my clothes and my piss diaper but there it is, I still stink. I can't stand even thinking about being around others like this. It occurred to me a few hours later that I didn't explain smelling of piss.  See, when I cough or sneeze it both pops my hernia and causes me to gush piss. I wear products. They get stinky within the hour. They're around .50c a piece and it adds up fast if I keep changing them. Now to go out to the stores and do some shopping it's worth changing out anything that stinky, but if I had to socialize frequently it would really become a problem. Yes, and I have to piss twice an hour at least except for 1:30pm till 4:30pm. And only if I've dehydrated myself. People try to s...