reasons I won't try to socialize

 These thoughts swirl in my head so much I thought I'd write them down.

I'm just sitting around doing my thing, carding yarn back to fleece to re-spin in order to use up loom waste, and the stench of piss and shit keep drifting up to my nose. I've changed my ostomy, my clothes and my piss diaper but there it is, I still stink. I can't stand even thinking about being around others like this.

It occurred to me a few hours later that I didn't explain smelling of piss.  See, when I cough or sneeze it both pops my hernia and causes me to gush piss. I wear products. They get stinky within the hour. They're around .50c a piece and it adds up fast if I keep changing them. Now to go out to the stores and do some shopping it's worth changing out anything that stinky, but if I had to socialize frequently it would really become a problem. Yes, and I have to piss twice an hour at least except for 1:30pm till 4:30pm. And only if I've dehydrated myself. People try to schedule things with me for the morning and I have to refuse.  I can't explain because of social rules, so they just presume I'm lazy and sleep more than I deserve. 

Another reason?  I cough so much and it's so ugly. I already feel anxious about how it's affecting the neighbors to hear my hacking all day.  What might they do to get rid of me? Nevermind trying to be around people socially. 

Oh, there's an older reason.  My clothes.  they're all old and poor or hand made. I know it makes the wrong impression and they're going to just start out with a confirmation bias that makes everything I do look like something else.  And I can't predict what.

So I'm a person with glaringly bad social skills and therefor manners.  I stink like a fucking outhouse and I dress like the poverty case I am. Well there you go. It's not just all the rejection, and my social anxiety about that, it's also all the factors I know I carry with me too. The depth of social anxiety I feel is unfathomed.  I have heard and seen too much, I know how narrow minded, short sighted, and judgmental the average human truly is.  


Oh and what would I talk about?  I don't get into any of the fashionable interests.  Not watching series on tv. Not reading a pile of best seller books. Not into sports. Know too much about weather, science or philosophy to sit and let them tell me all about it.  I can't amuse myself while pretending I'm not stultified with utter boredom when you tell me all about something I can't relate to.

So ok, what's the problem if I like my own company and nobody else does and I don't feel lonely alone? Well money and resources of course. They have it, I don't. I can't get it if I can't get them to share it with me. I can't be happy without some resources.  Food, medicine, a safe quiet place for me and my stuff that won't get invaded. You know, basics.  Transportation. The ability to engage in activities.  These all require interaction with humans.  I can't exactly grow all my own food out back of my cottage and carve new ostomy supplies out of birch  bark.

Oh, and I hate feeling so filthy. 

Oh yeah, and when I see medical professionals and they learn about the ostomy?  OMG, they're all freaked out and standoffish with micro-expressions of disgust and fear. They query with concern if it's leaking, because of course I'd be running around with a leaky ostomy well aware that shit is periodically smearing me under my clothes? I do run around with a leaky ostomy, hence the stink, but it's not leaking poop, just stink, and that's because the thing costs me $5 to change it and leaks within hours of install due to the unrepaired hernia and you're not even supposed to be yanking it off your skin more than once or twice a week! So minor failure is guaranteed and until it literally leaks material, I just live in the stink.

somebody kill me please.

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