crappy day exposition.

 I'm having a crappy day and want to get my bitch out. If I can. I just don't have any patience left. I spend so much time trying to just catch my breath.  I just walk to the bathroom and I'm out of breath.  I can't do shit anymore. Can't face the work I have to do because I know it's going to be hot, sweaty, painful and slow with a ton of coughing. I cough so much it gives me a constant back and head ache and of course my chest always hurts.

I wish I could see the doctor.  Problems with that include the medicine being too expensive already, much less doubling up on it.  I can't remember to take it in the evening anyway.  And frankly I still don't think it's the right treatment for me. It's a stop gap, a bandaid, and not nearly big enough to properly cover the wound. But when I try and complain he cuts me off to cut short to the finish which is, get this, I'm faking it and exaggerating because I feel lonely and want love from The Good Doctor.  And of course that's asking too much, so he gets annoyed. He also gets annoyed that I won't take the mental drugs he's convinced I need.  Oh he's not a psychiatrist, but he's read some abstracts about what the drugs are supposed to do so why won't I experiment with it, yet again, since hey, it might be different from previous experiences.

What I really want is a murderer. come shoot me in the head.

I get so angry I'm just bleeding rage everywhere and today took it out on the parrot when he was being a pissant and I kicked his cage, then took it out on the dog when she was being difficult, shouting and swearing at her and handling her roughly.  I knew I was terrifying her but I just wanted to get her damn clothes on and sit down and catch my breath. I just wasn't willing to stop, give her what she wanted (not get dressed when I know it's too cold for her) and be nice about it.  Her way of fighting getting dressed is to go limp and lay down. So there's me trying to get her to fucking stand the fuck up so I can put her clothes on, and she's trembling and cringing and trying even harder to lay down and I've got to hold up this dog's body with one hand while dressing her with the other and I was just fucking PISSED!  I didn't hit her or anything, just swore a lot and moved too fast. but damn, this dog, who's faster than spit on a griddle when she wants to be, ambles and shuffles and stands looking uncertain when I just want her to follow me in. So if I close the door for her to take her time and think so the bugs won't come in, I know she'll be like "oh, I guess I stay out here" and wander off. If I leave it open she'll move a step, ask again if I really mean it. One step, one "come on, get on the bus."  A step. Wait.  "come on.'  Wait, "are you really sure I should come?" and so on, exhausting what patience I had before even getting on the bus. Naturally, the more annoyed I get, the slower she gets.

ARRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  And it's ALL my fucking fault. She's just a dog,

So here I sit feeling sick, useless, and unworthy of my own existence. I'm feeling like a shitty human of the worst kind because I yelled at my dog.

I'm also wondering, if I can't get healthier than this, what happens to me?  Do I just sit alone in a room trying to do crafts for the next fucking fifty years?  What kind of life can I expect? I don't want to be held prisoner in solitary with evil assholes gunning for me if I pop my head out my fence or make a noise inside my yard or in anyway remind them that I exist.  I don't want ot live like this. It's not worth the pain.  

How weird is it that people call me both resilient and lazy, independant and needy, crazy and insightful/smart?   None of this is deliberate character, it's just the apparent character overlaid on me by circumstances. They all are seeing one tiny sliver of me and running with it as though it represented my whole self. I just don't see the point of being here when nobody out there sees any value in me and just wants me to go stand in Niche A or slot B, neither of which fit me.

but yeah, I already know I'm stuck here.  A whole half a century left to go. But how? How in hell do I get through living like THIS, with this feeling inside, this rage and sorrow and injustice, and not one day just snap?

Well I found a show worth watching on netflix. It's super stupid around the edges but interesting and engaging. It's called sweet tooth. 

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