want to whine

 Sometimes I miss having someone to talk to, but it's really just wanting someone to complain to. Somewhere in the back of my mind again I keep thinking somehow that someone else would have a solution.  They only have sympathy and actually I don't want that. I come away unsatisfied and having annoyed someone else.

I just want to whine. 

I busted a rib muscle. Earlier this week my ribs started hurting on both sides. Mild, but made coughing harder and I quit smoking weed because I'm trying to cough less. then two nights ago during a hard cough, something suddenly flared pain and left a sharp pain behind that swells when I move, cough, twist or bend. "intercostal rib muscle strain."  Now, the treatment for that, as I said to Dan, is "don't cough."  More or less, it has to rest and heal.  I've been doing well enough that today it was hardly bothering me. Then I thought of the idea of putting on the waist belt thingy I bought. It's meant to hold in the tummy or a hernia or slim your gut, whatever you need.  Presumably lower rib strain too.  Great!  I mean, I'd already discovered that if I hold a pillow to the pain very tightly it allows me to cough ever so carefully. So the belt was great, and I let myself have a good cough. which resulted in that hecking final spasm that's always so harsh on me. Usually it just makes my whole back tingle with pain and gives me a head and chest ache for a half an hour. Tonight, though, it yanked that injury right back. Now I'm swimming in pain with ache and nausea and exhaustion, still have mucous I can't bring up and I just feel so damn wretched. I wish I had someone to hold me and pet my hair, but in truth, I couldn't handle it.  So much psychology loaded into it all anymore.

I will not be afraid when death finally makes her appointment. I'll be relieved.  guaranteed.

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