The next 50 years

Once again the homophobes are trying to express themselves as if they were reasonable people. "Why do you have to be special?" They complain about us queers getting attention and cluttering up the media with our concerns.  Well, let me tell you, I am not special, nor do I wish to be special. I didn't want to be singled out in grade school then told by the adults it's because I "insist on being different."  I was just trying ot be me, like everyone says you should!  I was also trying to conform as dictated by my peers and the adults.  I was clearly failing.  I didn't want to be told I was unique, or weird, or that I didn't fit in. I didn't want to be teased for my clothing choices or how I sat, or tilted my head, or my intonation when I spoke. I didn't walk in and say "Hey look at me, I'm better than you." I walked in and everyone expressed some form of dismay at my arrival.  Bullies picked on me with temerity as the others stood...

 Sometimes I miss having someone to talk to, but it's really just wanting someone to complain to. Somewhere in the back of my mind again I keep thinking somehow that someone else would have a solution.  They only have sympathy and actually I don't want that. I come away unsatisfied and having annoyed someone else. I just want to whine.  I busted a rib muscle. Earlier this week my ribs started hurting on both sides. Mild, but made coughing harder and I quit smoking weed because I'm trying to cough less. then two nights ago during a hard cough, something suddenly flared pain and left a sharp pain behind that swells when I move, cough, twist or bend. "intercostal rib muscle strain."  Now, the treatment for that, as I said to Dan, is "don't cough."  More or less, it has to rest and heal.  I've been doing well enough that today it was hardly bothering me. Then I thought of the idea of putting on the waist belt thingy I bought. It's meant to hold i...

 I'm onto a youtube therapist talking about childhood ACE factors. First one was "types of toxic families" and I ticked off four in one! Now he's talking about sibling abuse.  I never really tallied it up but yes, that too. My schoolmates and some teachers bullied me physically and emotionally. I used to think I was "lucky" because I'd never been punched or knocked down and kicked at school, but I did get kicked and punched by my siblings. the most memorable is being squished into the corner of a couch by both at once kicking me, it was a fight over couch space and I wasn't allowed any.  Big brother called me snotnose, all the time. I didn't have a snotty nose. He just wanted me to get the hell away from him and his friends.  My sister was weird, though, she was just really distant, and when we did talk, bragged on about how hard she tried to get people to be nice to me.  I know she was lying, however, because she also stood in the circle of laug...

 We're all well acquainted with the knowlege that marijuana disrupts your short term memory. That much is true, and the effect can linger a day or two if you've been smoking heavily. However, it's not permanent. Take a break from the pot and your memory restores. Much of the effects of marijuana in popular awareness are pure BS or teenager hijinks.  You've been young and used some form of inebriation to excuse silliness or rule breaking, if not worse, right? Now it's true that alcohol can create absolute chaos in one's moral fiber, but marijuana does not. If anything, it strengthens that fiber. Stoners are pretty sociable folks.  They share, they care, they listen, they hug, they feed each other and offer a bed for the night. I never met a stoned person who wasn't nicer than a straight. Oh, those are ancient hippy terms for those who take recreational drugs vs those who don't. Straights are sober people with a stick up their ass and that's what keeps...

 I'm having a crappy day and want to get my bitch out. If I can. I just don't have any patience left. I spend so much time trying to just catch my breath.  I just walk to the bathroom and I'm out of breath.  I can't do shit anymore. Can't face the work I have to do because I know it's going to be hot, sweaty, painful and slow with a ton of coughing. I cough so much it gives me a constant back and head ache and of course my chest always hurts. I wish I could see the doctor.  Problems with that include the medicine being too expensive already, much less doubling up on it.  I can't remember to take it in the evening anyway.  And frankly I still don't think it's the right treatment for me. It's a stop gap, a bandaid, and not nearly big enough to properly cover the wound. But when I try and complain he cuts me off to cut short to the finish which is, get this, I'm faking it and exaggerating because I feel lonely and want love from The Good Doctor....

 These thoughts swirl in my head so much I thought I'd write them down. I'm just sitting around doing my thing, carding yarn back to fleece to re-spin in order to use up loom waste, and the stench of piss and shit keep drifting up to my nose. I've changed my ostomy, my clothes and my piss diaper but there it is, I still stink. I can't stand even thinking about being around others like this. It occurred to me a few hours later that I didn't explain smelling of piss.  See, when I cough or sneeze it both pops my hernia and causes me to gush piss. I wear products. They get stinky within the hour. They're around .50c a piece and it adds up fast if I keep changing them. Now to go out to the stores and do some shopping it's worth changing out anything that stinky, but if I had to socialize frequently it would really become a problem. Yes, and I have to piss twice an hour at least except for 1:30pm till 4:30pm. And only if I've dehydrated myself. People try to s...

 I've been meaning to list the reasons for rejection that I have experienced.  Because I often get warned by people, or even ask outright if the opportunity allows.  Not any more, mind you, it got tiresome.  I no longer see the point. But yeah, people communicate what they feel about you, they do. Reasons for rejection: Immoral  This comes from being queer and being a marijuana smoker and being open minded. I do not object to gays or kinksters, I am transgender and whether I told you or not, it likely leaked out. I don't object to polyamory, I profess to being bisexual, and etc.  Immoral.  So that rules out all the religious people and almost all the parents. I'm a "partier."  I used to be a night owl, I went to sleep around 4 am, sometimes stayed up till 6am, and slept till noon or even two.  I spent my nights writing, painting, crafting, renovating my place, or reading a damn good book. But the prevailing opinion is that if you're not up at...

 The rapsberry pi simply couldn't keep up with my typing speed.  The phone is so tiny I keep hitting the wrong letters and it's awful going back to fix a million times. Well I was itching to be able to just sit down and free flow type again.  It's become important, even if I don't need it often. I was on the way to buy a twenty-five dollar typewriter when someone else got there ahead of me. Miffed, I decided to poke around a few pawn shops, starting with the one closest to where I was parked. Well they didn't have any typewriters. They did have this laptop. It's fast enough and light enough and was cheap enough.  I am glad I forced myself to wait until I would be grateful for anything, even a weak old laptop. Frankly, this thing's in good shape and a good brand.  I don't know it's age. I was going to try and find out but got distracted. It lets me connect all my harddrives, my phone, a chosen mouse and keyboard, and it's got a nice clear screen. ...

Okay okay stop wait listen to this. So he comes home, angry and slamming things. He finally starts to tell me what he's mad about. He's angry about a lunatic at the house where he's working. Said lunatic is shouting violently and screaming a swear words at his wife over everything. I said oh so just like you do with me. He screamed "no you don't fucking understand he was fucking violent and swearing." At this point he is red with fury and the dig is scared. I said "you really don't have any self perception, do you? You're doing it right now! How can someone so self centered have no self perception?" He's been quiet since so either stewing in fury or having a long hard think. Who knows?

 He's always using the word "retard" and I keep trying to correct that behaviour. He doubles down when I tell him it's a bad word. He insists he's never heard such a thing. I try and explain why it's bad (thus giving him the attention he's seeking) and he says "sounds like it's quite effective."  Like at hurting other people, yeah buddy, it's a hurtful word. That's exactly my point here. It's hurtful.  I think he intends to be hurtful. Of course when I ask, he falls silent, turns to the pc as if I'm not even talking. Yeah, yeah he does. And then he so often asks why I get so angry?  Why am I offended? Fuck. I've started turning that line on him but he just isn't capable of empathy.  I really don't respect his character at all and he doesn't seem to give a shit. He's got so little respect for anyone else that not being respected doesn't bother him. He seems to really think he's the best human on the ...

 I would say that yes, I am being treated abusively. However, I would not also say that I am a victim of this man, or have no power.  I'm equally capable of being viciously abusive and drawing lines and in fact, because I'm being mindful and choosing, might go farther than he would. I think pulling the plug on the router is an example of that. I went downstairs one night and did just that.  I warned him, mind you. I told him if he didn't mind his manners to me I'd do something to fuck his shit up.  I mused long on the options too, things I could do, shouldn't do, should save for "down the road if this doesn't work." Well he pushed that boundary, as he always does, to see if it had any negatives for him. Because at the bottom, he only gives a shit about how things affect him, not how they affect anyone else. We're not exactly real, I think. Like we're AIs in a game and he's supposed to work out how the program runs. Well anyway, my consequen...

I've been doing this for so long it's become natural. I imagine another person and what they might say and I respond to them. I think of it as a kind of psychotherapy. It's a way of working through problems but it's also a way of rehearsing conversations with assholes in the future. The thing is you see, it doesn't work. Every time I'm in one of those conversations, I have to think on my feet. My rehearsed comments do not come to me or do not apply. After I'm done I usually am quite proud of what I thought up and find myself again, rehearsing. It's gotten so bad, if I were to describe what it's like, you'd think I had voices in my head. But I know they're not voices in my head. I know that I make them up and I know why I make them up and I know when I started and I know it's a habit that I need to stop. It doesn't help. It raises my constant anxiety levels. It distracts me from the now. And mostly it doesn't work. Oh and did I men...

I remember long conversations.fun ones where we chased ideas. Were they hiding their irritation because I was pretty? Why can't I have that now? Why do conversations have so many micro judgements buried in them till you can't do anything without plotting it out like a game of chess? I miss good company. It seems everyone else is either too shallow or too busy or too touchy or too suspicious.  They read things into it that weren't there when I composed my words. Then want me to answer for it! Can't get an HS friend to chat me, and I get hung up between "don't take everything personally"and "is he trying to politely push me off?" The latter is winning at the moment. Reminds me of the ex who just went along with everything with a smile or a laugh, till one day he burst out with "I can't do this" and dumped me, in a hard situation. Then left town and found an old friend and sat around bad mouthing me into a monster. I found out two year...