goal, to stop rehearsing for conversations.

I've been doing this for so long it's become natural. I imagine another person and what they might say and I respond to them. I think of it as a kind of psychotherapy. It's a way of working through problems but it's also a way of rehearsing conversations with assholes in the future. The thing is you see, it doesn't work. Every time I'm in one of those conversations, I have to think on my feet. My rehearsed comments do not come to me or do not apply. After I'm done I usually am quite proud of what I thought up and find myself again, rehearsing. It's gotten so bad, if I were to describe what it's like, you'd think I had voices in my head. But I know they're not voices in my head. I know that I make them up and I know why I make them up and I know when I started and I know it's a habit that I need to stop. It doesn't help. It raises my constant anxiety levels. It distracts me from the now. And mostly it doesn't work. Oh and did I mention it upsets me? 

First of all let me assert again I want to stop rehearsing conversations. I've been saying this to myself repeatedly hoping to drum it into myself so that I'll notice it faster when I start that old habit. You see I've been doing this since childhood. It's a very old habit.

The thing is I don't plan on having that many conversations anyway. I recently learned something that I suppose I should have learned in childhood. People tried to tell me, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. Literally I am  honest to goodness expected to share the feelings and interests of the group, any given group, based on the lead bully. In fact I understand now, it's why I get treated so cruelly so often. I go against the bully more often than not, because these people are usually assholes. I do not suffer assholes, so assholes do not suffer me. As they generally lead the group and the group as I have learned actually do somehow tune into him or her and do as they're expected and be a group. I find this incredulous but I accept it as one except science that goes against one's perception. You see I know that I am autistic and I know that this is one of the singular points of being autistic that I do not tune into the group this way. I feel in my heart that I could not do it authentically anyway. As far as I can tell the people doing it aren't faking it. It's just happening to them, they're not even necessarily in charge of it. Which is to say that one's likes and interests and feelings as a human being are generally much more plastic and mutable than we let on in our artwork. Romeo and Juliet did not have to die for each other. However, somehow I am supposed to, at the same time as making it seem genuine, also deeply value the emotional moments that people are having. These same folks who demand that I have none of my own. It's all too much for me. It seems quite unreasonable frankly. I would say that this is the reason why I am pulling away from people. I still have this crazy idea that I can find a group of people where I don't have to try and pretend to be someone else to fit in. It doesn't seem very likely. I don't think I'll ever stop trying but at least I would like to stop rehearsing conversations these days. They're all with bullies anyway, because those are the people I need to rehearse against. I've been getting harassed. I'm so used to getting harassed that it doesn't surprise me that even when I hide I still get harassed. This makes not rehearsing conversations much harder. I need to remember that it doesn't work, I don't use it, and when I'm there I do okay. It's part of trusting myself.