relationship musings (aka bs)

 I would say that yes, I am being treated abusively. However, I would not also say that I am a victim of this man, or have no power. 

I'm equally capable of being viciously abusive and drawing lines and in fact, because I'm being mindful and choosing, might go farther than he would. I think pulling the plug on the router is an example of that. I went downstairs one night and did just that. 

I warned him, mind you. I told him if he didn't mind his manners to me I'd do something to fuck his shit up.  I mused long on the options too, things I could do, shouldn't do, should save for "down the road if this doesn't work." Well he pushed that boundary, as he always does, to see if it had any negatives for him. Because at the bottom, he only gives a shit about how things affect him, not how they affect anyone else. We're not exactly real, I think. Like we're AIs in a game and he's supposed to work out how the program runs. Well anyway, my consequence is he spent some time trying to figure out what was wrong with his computer before finally checking the modem to see what I'd done. Which was obviously done. Chess piece moved. I can do a lot worse, son. 

Well next move was even more subtle. I changed our internet subscription to the slowest they could offer. I did wind up telling him, explaining it in how much money we're saving, which is considerable. But I did also point out that if I choose, I could arbitrarily cut it off, change his cell phone account options, and etc. I do not have to sabotage his toys or computer to levy repercussions.

Well it's working, roughly. Like teaching a senior dog not to shit in the house. Slow and patient and try not to bite too much.

The other day he made an effort to use the right pronoun while speaking to me, telling me something about me in 3rd person, the quote is lost in the moment. Well I was shocked that he did that and thanked him and said it had just made my day 100% brighter and I really wanted him to know it pleased me. I mean, praise is part of the whole teaching someone how to act towards you, isn't it? And that apparently is my task with this guy. Well he says "I didn't want you to yell at me again."  Because I yell and correct him from across the room when he misgenders me to the dogs, you see.  I tell him not to use pronouns if he can't get them right. heh. 

Well that has lead me here to ponder why yelling and punishment work, but simply caring how I feel doesn't. Does he care about me? He expresses love in some ways. When he does things for me, that's his way of caring. Sharing his income and life freely without separation of resources is another way of caring. Stepping up and literally caring for me when I was undeniably ill, again, an expression of caring.

and yet he mistrusts me, and literally everyone, as having no internal integrity. But I know he has some. It's way too flexible in some ways, but quite strong in others. He won't ever steal, not anything, not ever. For example. whereas I've been a thief in my life, and might still steal your cookies or flowers, just a bit. Never more than 15% of a privately owned flower bed, or 20% of wild plants, but people do resent you stealing a few cookies anyway.  Just as I resent being treated like a liar or lied to. If both people aren't speaking the truth as they think they know it, then the dialog is fruitless. You can't solve a problem that way. You can only manipulate others and make them pretend along.

Although, that's something that dovetails nicely here. People herd up. They pick the strongest personality and share that person's opinions. They're often flexible enough to allow as they might feel differently sometimes, but that's more about being able to switch allegiences quickly to suit group dynamics.  The group dynamic is more important than the issue, to them. These are the sycophants of the world I suppose, but they are a significant portion of our population. Enough for the pshrinks to call it "normal."  It's this dynamic that damns me to solitude because I cannot flex nor lie enough to roll with the group, presuming I even perceived that the group were rolling at all.

So why would someone who uses shouting on a constant basis, more than once a day, to get his way, be cowed by someone else doing the same thing?  That's the puzzle. Or was that a lie to hide that he cares about me at all because I'm still his enemy? 

See, he's got this crazy twisted view of relationships. He often says that "disagreement" which is what he calls our shouting matches, is "normal." I can't remind him enough that his family was abnormal and his only lifetime exposure to family life. He just doesn't seem to cross that line from cognition to intuition. It's intuition, the stuff that comes from past traumas and experiences, vs his cognition, the reasoning done with evidence and understanding, and he can't get out of the intuition and fix it.

Why and how of it isn't realy that important to me, but dealing with my own emotions is. I feel so angry to be forced to use these tactics as I feel quite deeply that it's wrong to treat someone this way, even though it works. I know he demands it. I know it's his fault I find myself making this choice. but I am still not okay with doing it. This then feeds anger  back through the victim channel of being abused and how it's like he's trying to turn me into an abuser. 

I truly feel as though I'm dancing a ballet on the razor edged shoulder of a mountain.