The next 50 years

I've lost heart.  I'm dead sure Ayami regrets asking me to visit her but can't say as much and I just don't want to sit in a room failing to entertain a sick person.  I've been complained at that I am draining and too much energy asked.  How or why I couldn't say but it's clear over the years that making conversation isn't in my skill set. So I'm going to pedal over there in the cooler morning air and drop off my present with a note promising things I can do for her instead of sitting idly in a room trying to be someone's entertainment. i guess I should compose that note. The relief beginning to flood me as I've decided not to put myself through it.  Well it's not complete due to the danger of her being too nice to agree with me, or perhaps I'm wrong.  Either way I'd never know if she begged me to come back as a gift to me or because it was actually a gift to her!  I hate hospitals besides which makes this even harder to sort o...

As part of her mental torture, disguised as "humbling" my mother's ego bashing did teach me a lot of selflessness.  In my passion to try and please I learned to give even when it hurts.  Now in these days I think I need to learn to stop just before it hurts.  I'm finding people don't understand or believe it's truly selfless.  Heck, I have never really felt that people don't still see me as selfish.  I've been called that by every bully in my life!  I was so desperately poor for so long that I could not really refute it.  Although I did give of what I had, I was very cautious and even what I could afford looked mean and petty.  I found myself leaning on those more generous or just doing without.  Mostly I did without. Why is it I feel the world still intends to humble me at every turn?  How can my ego even still be alive, let alone still a target after all these years of abuse? I'm already stressing over the woman in the hospital. ...

I gave my friend a present.  I tried to find the simplest, nicest thing I could to serve the need I was trying to fulfill.  I put thought and money into it, if not time.  But I was accused of choosing a present that would deliberately belittle him, he did not thank me for the present and punished me by complaining about it. I've had this happen before too.  I spend my time choosing something, picturing them smiling and beaming with joy and how good it will feel to see someone I care about smiling.  then the smile is denied me and nasty intentions are tagged to my gift. I'm giving so they feel bad about what they do or don't give me.  I'm giving so they feel bad about who they are.  i'm giving so they feel obligated to adopt me.  I'm giving for some heinous reason or other.  It's making generosity really hard on me! I try to be bigger than myself.  I try to step outside my own wants and feelings and give.  Then these things happen ...

I've been so tired lately.  I'm taking supplemental iron and that's helped but my health has been poor and it's taking my energy clean away.  I'm suffering from piles.  I'd call them by their medical name if I could ever remember how to spell it but that's one of those words I can't get right.  If left unchecked, it means you have an inflamed and potentially infected sore in your insides which really messes up the whole area.  All the organs around it inflame in sympathy.  I wind up peeing more, everything hurts, and every time I do go to pee, I also get an urge to empty my blocked-up bowels.  Resisting that takes a  lot of effort but not resisting makes things uglier! So treating with anti-inflammatories, low stress and rest, applied witchhazel, and laxatives as needed is helping, but I really need to get my digestion under control. That means getting my husband's crazy-making under control because it's stress from that which twists my guts in ...

I'm proud of how I held back tears at a sad movie on TV.  It reminded me that in fact I have very good emotional control when I'm relaxed.  I realize that since I married Dan my stress levels are maxed.  But before I met him, I know I was freaked then too.  I was facing destitution, and I knew it.  Things were getting harder and I was getting sicker with no where to turn. If I could just retrain Dan to be less of a stress that'd be a perfect answer all around.  It's a battle between his will and my health! There's only so much I can expect, he'll always be a high energy fellow, and there's other places I can shave stress, like selling the koi would help.  I really need to post that ad.  I don't act anymore.  I just chase chores around, but don't initiate things like paying the bills and filing the paper, anything that isn't urgent gets left. I hunch all the time.  Too tense, I really think that's the blame. I've been struggling with ...

I don't like to be called a "non-conformist" or other words that describe me as someone who chooses to be different.  I make some choices, sure, I could make my appearance a carbon copy of yours or a variation on the theme, or any level of creative variance required.  I've done that and frankly done it well, even on a budget.  Never mind, though, that's an outward thing.  Yes, I choose to look different.  But that's not because I choose to be different.  I am born different.  Whether you lable me with categories from the DSM or give me colloquial lables, you still need to recognize that it's not a choice.  I was born a mutation.  Much of what is different about me are qualities that don't retard my functions biologically or functionally as a creature and a creative human creature. The disabling factor is entirely caused by how I'm treated by others.  They have a variety of excuses for mistreating and neglecting me but they are all roote...

I guess I'm successfully distracting myself from things.  Actually, Dan suggested I might be low on iron when I was complaining about my state.  I started taking iron and Voila, I was feeling better.  I also started adding the daily vitamin pill because clearly I'm not doing enough dietetically.  I know that too.  But it gets cumulative.  You get to feeling so well you cheat more and more. Then a few bad days and you don't have the energy to fix healthy food so the cheat leftovers keep coming till you're screwed for mood as well as energy! I've spent a lot of time wishing I had someone nurturing in my life.  It upsets me a bit.  I feel so un-cared for I even am questioning when I see stuff about respecting people's emotional pain.  I start feeling like I don't understand why they are expressing concern for the feelings of strangers.  I've become so convinced that one's emotions and ego are things to be stamped out of existence that when...