where'd I put my ego?
As part of her mental torture, disguised as "humbling" my mother's ego bashing did teach me a lot of selflessness. In my passion to try and please I learned to give even when it hurts. Now in these days I think I need to learn to stop just before it hurts. I'm finding people don't understand or believe it's truly selfless. Heck, I have never really felt that people don't still see me as selfish. I've been called that by every bully in my life! I was so desperately poor for so long that I could not really refute it. Although I did give of what I had, I was very cautious and even what I could afford looked mean and petty. I found myself leaning on those more generous or just doing without. Mostly I did without. Why is it I feel the world still intends to humble me at every turn? How can my ego even still be alive, let alone still a target after all these years of abuse?
I'm already stressing over the woman in the hospital. She's had to ask me not to come by two days in a row and I don't know if that's because of the reasons she is giving, or because our visit didn't suit her. I just wish I could drop off my gifts and fade out of the scene. it's so scary. I don't want to push myself, and I don't want to be selfish and not be available. If she can't stand me for some reason, then I could be off the hook. But if I assumed so and took it for an excuse, then I'm letting her down.
They call it the horns of a dilemma because it's two sharp points hurting and poking you. Every day she cancels me, it gives my fear even more ammunition. And I can't tell anyone. it's too much expectation to put on someone and too crazy to share anyway.
Remember, madness is only a problem if other people notice, right?
Damn that bird is making noise so harsh it hurts to the center of my head.
Okay, earplugs. That helps. This typing, this hasn't helped. I'm going to go play minecraft.
Oh hey, I'm going to run a quick update for my future self's bad memory.
So it's 2015 and our water heater died. it's been a couple weeks and I'm using the inflatable hot tub. I clean myself over the deck boards in the gazebo using water dipped out of the pool, scrubbing well. Then I soak till I'm almost asleep and drift there till it gets boring. i put on my favorite music stream and the floats just float me.
I was going to go do that tonight but the next door neighbor, who knocked on the house a couple days ago, is having a large collection of humans over and the fence just isn't solid enough for me to lay naked and splashing on the other side. The splashing is too loud. I worry they'll call out to me.
her laugh is ever more strident than it ever was. it's quite something. I always used to say joy and laughter were the best sounds in the world till I lived next door to this laugh. it's astonishingly intrusive and shocking. I feel like a wilted petunia living here. The neighborhood was supposed to gentle up while I lived here. I was one of a vanguard of artsy nice people who never showed up. Instead I got stuck in a blue collar neighborhood without the nervous system required to handle the sensation shocks all day long.
That damn parrot isn't helping.
Minecraft. it's my obsession du jour. I quit my nintendo game which is just as well as the device got damaged and no longer reads wifi. I never saw what happened to it. I'm sorry it did! I haven't decided if I'm in any hurry to replace it. Maybe for winter, I don't know. I like it, sure, but haven't really made use of it this summer so why rush out and replace it? I've been gaming on the go with a paper find-a-word book and a pen. they stuff neatly in my purse, never get damaged by impacts, and are always on. what's more, it never makes a big deal out of how long it takes to do a puzzle.
Okay, now the bird has the dog howling. I think I will go play minecraft on xbox. It's easy and low energy.
I'm already stressing over the woman in the hospital. She's had to ask me not to come by two days in a row and I don't know if that's because of the reasons she is giving, or because our visit didn't suit her. I just wish I could drop off my gifts and fade out of the scene. it's so scary. I don't want to push myself, and I don't want to be selfish and not be available. If she can't stand me for some reason, then I could be off the hook. But if I assumed so and took it for an excuse, then I'm letting her down.
They call it the horns of a dilemma because it's two sharp points hurting and poking you. Every day she cancels me, it gives my fear even more ammunition. And I can't tell anyone. it's too much expectation to put on someone and too crazy to share anyway.
Remember, madness is only a problem if other people notice, right?
Damn that bird is making noise so harsh it hurts to the center of my head.
Okay, earplugs. That helps. This typing, this hasn't helped. I'm going to go play minecraft.
Oh hey, I'm going to run a quick update for my future self's bad memory.
So it's 2015 and our water heater died. it's been a couple weeks and I'm using the inflatable hot tub. I clean myself over the deck boards in the gazebo using water dipped out of the pool, scrubbing well. Then I soak till I'm almost asleep and drift there till it gets boring. i put on my favorite music stream and the floats just float me.
I was going to go do that tonight but the next door neighbor, who knocked on the house a couple days ago, is having a large collection of humans over and the fence just isn't solid enough for me to lay naked and splashing on the other side. The splashing is too loud. I worry they'll call out to me.
her laugh is ever more strident than it ever was. it's quite something. I always used to say joy and laughter were the best sounds in the world till I lived next door to this laugh. it's astonishingly intrusive and shocking. I feel like a wilted petunia living here. The neighborhood was supposed to gentle up while I lived here. I was one of a vanguard of artsy nice people who never showed up. Instead I got stuck in a blue collar neighborhood without the nervous system required to handle the sensation shocks all day long.
That damn parrot isn't helping.
Minecraft. it's my obsession du jour. I quit my nintendo game which is just as well as the device got damaged and no longer reads wifi. I never saw what happened to it. I'm sorry it did! I haven't decided if I'm in any hurry to replace it. Maybe for winter, I don't know. I like it, sure, but haven't really made use of it this summer so why rush out and replace it? I've been gaming on the go with a paper find-a-word book and a pen. they stuff neatly in my purse, never get damaged by impacts, and are always on. what's more, it never makes a big deal out of how long it takes to do a puzzle.
Okay, now the bird has the dog howling. I think I will go play minecraft on xbox. It's easy and low energy.