born different
I don't like to be called a "non-conformist" or other words that describe me as someone who chooses to be different. I make some choices, sure, I could make my appearance a carbon copy of yours or a variation on the theme, or any level of creative variance required. I've done that and frankly done it well, even on a budget. Never mind, though, that's an outward thing. Yes, I choose to look different. But that's not because I choose to be different. I am born different. Whether you lable me with categories from the DSM or give me colloquial lables, you still need to recognize that it's not a choice. I was born a mutation. Much of what is different about me are qualities that don't retard my functions biologically or functionally as a creature and a creative human creature.
The disabling factor is entirely caused by how I'm treated by others. They have a variety of excuses for mistreating and neglecting me but they are all rooted in my neurological differences. Whether you don't like my energy level, my focus level, my style of working, my facial expressions, or my vocal tone. If you dislike my mannerisms, my way of expressing myself, or my topics, it's all caused by not being neurotypical and your behaviour towards me is my entire issue. It causes the stress that further disables me with anxiety, distractibility, nervous fidgets, muscle spasms and digestive issues, and so much more that is created then exacerbated by stress.
The utter lack of support, comfort, and companionship I've endured compared to the basic needs of any human are directly responsible for the stress and therefor all my physical debilities. I can tell you that I've always paid more attention to my wellness than my comfort. That's even allowing that comfort is a part of wellness. I never cheated my body for my mental pleasure, let's put it that way. I always treated my body as a machine and I it's engineer. I learned as much as I could about it's workings and needs and did my best to keep it maintained, repaired, and properly fueled.
The things I did against it, like smoking and eating candy, were directly caused by stress. Again. Stress from being abused or neglected. Stress from others demanding of me that which I simply could not deliver. I often did not even understand the requests till I'd gone and studied some psychology first! Then I'd find it was an unreasonable demand inspired by juvenile emotion, but by then the stress of being scolded, criticized, and even verbally abused would have done it's damage.
As a child I was told I was a subordinate and a burden and had no rights. As an adult I was too old to bother investing further in. I was given the same education as anyone else and that's that, it's up to me to sort it out.
But I had autism. I was born different. I could not manage with the same as everyone else.
I tried killing myself but after awhile gave up. I am not a killer and besides, they kept interfering and mistreating me worse from it. Why did they abandon me to the gutter instead of killing me? It's worse!
So these days I've been gifted by the Goddess who needs the tolerance as much as I do, if not more, and he keeps me out of the streets.
Well oh well.
I need to quit this now and calm down and play something.
The disabling factor is entirely caused by how I'm treated by others. They have a variety of excuses for mistreating and neglecting me but they are all rooted in my neurological differences. Whether you don't like my energy level, my focus level, my style of working, my facial expressions, or my vocal tone. If you dislike my mannerisms, my way of expressing myself, or my topics, it's all caused by not being neurotypical and your behaviour towards me is my entire issue. It causes the stress that further disables me with anxiety, distractibility, nervous fidgets, muscle spasms and digestive issues, and so much more that is created then exacerbated by stress.
The utter lack of support, comfort, and companionship I've endured compared to the basic needs of any human are directly responsible for the stress and therefor all my physical debilities. I can tell you that I've always paid more attention to my wellness than my comfort. That's even allowing that comfort is a part of wellness. I never cheated my body for my mental pleasure, let's put it that way. I always treated my body as a machine and I it's engineer. I learned as much as I could about it's workings and needs and did my best to keep it maintained, repaired, and properly fueled.
The things I did against it, like smoking and eating candy, were directly caused by stress. Again. Stress from being abused or neglected. Stress from others demanding of me that which I simply could not deliver. I often did not even understand the requests till I'd gone and studied some psychology first! Then I'd find it was an unreasonable demand inspired by juvenile emotion, but by then the stress of being scolded, criticized, and even verbally abused would have done it's damage.
As a child I was told I was a subordinate and a burden and had no rights. As an adult I was too old to bother investing further in. I was given the same education as anyone else and that's that, it's up to me to sort it out.
But I had autism. I was born different. I could not manage with the same as everyone else.
I tried killing myself but after awhile gave up. I am not a killer and besides, they kept interfering and mistreating me worse from it. Why did they abandon me to the gutter instead of killing me? It's worse!
So these days I've been gifted by the Goddess who needs the tolerance as much as I do, if not more, and he keeps me out of the streets.
Well oh well.
I need to quit this now and calm down and play something.