The next 50 years

A woman came to mind and engendered some thoughts.  She was a particularly nasty person in the old days.  She always had a court of followers arrayed around her in some way, but to me she would direct the darts, the cuts, the put downs, the jabs, everything.  I just learned to keep my distance, puzzled about this weird personality. Then many years later I encountered her and she was solo.  Oh she was so nice, so sweet, so kind.  So false. So strange to see her that way.  Like I was an old friend and as if we'd shared good times.  I've long figured out that other people's memories are much more editable than mine.  I truly rely on my memory.  Perhaps it's a lack of hard evidence to the contrary.  I don't know.  Well anyway, other people seem able to edit out the bits they don't like.   If I did that, I'd think I was five years old...  LOL Well I have been thinking about this "being nice" habit of former bullies....

i've been wandering around in a fog trying to figure out if I'm an abuser or a magnet for them? Then I was listening to Rslash on youtube, he reads out stories curated from reddit about sociopaths and psychopaths and I keep hearing familiar phrases and tactics. Like you try and explain yourself for clarity and they reinterpret you in the worst possible light.  "I'm just too tired to cope today."  "You mean you're tired of me, you're always saying such horrible things to me.  I mean, my problems are huge, you think I don't get tired? I just need...."  Oh boy.  Yeah. That's Carl in a nutshell, isn't it?  I'm a magnet for abusers, aren't I?  I mean, with no true reflections around me I can't get a good idea about myself except what's in my head, and with all the gaslighting (that's what that up there is, a form of gaslighting) I have lost confidence in my self knowlege.  But then when I listen to myself talk, I thi...

I'm not functional right now. Who knows why?  I sure don't. Ok so I got up an hour early, or an hour and a half, something like. So I could get in to the blood lab before breakfast. I'm required to give a sample on an empty stomach. It's not easy.  My stoma was running, so that was on my mind. My mind is foggy and stupid and I should not be driving like that.  I technically *can* drive but so can a drunk, eh? I shoudl not be driving like that. Well before I left, hoping to speed it up so I can get to a bathroom sooner, I looked up the website. it's changed hands again and there's a new system and it's down.   I just go to the clinic. Right as it's listed on google, but I don't know about the website, everything after the main page is "coming soon." The lab has moved. My lap stinks. I'm wearing jeans and they'r enot baggy enough out front so I am at greater risk of a blowout and I can smell something.  I just go home.  Fail. I...

Let's call him Carl, he uses me to unload his mental shit.  He's my only friend, really, aside fromthe abusive husband.  I feel like an emotional toilet.  Flush it into the strong person, the one that keeps saying yes. I wasn't available enough yesterday, having had my own reality, and so he dumped his frustration on me via passive aggressive and text means.  Told me he was suicidal and I was scary and my household was scary and made me fuck around trying to please him while fucking around trying to keep track of the puppy my husband was ignoring and still trying to salvage something of my day's plans. I mean, I was in the middle of something. I had not planned to spend the day sitting on my ass watching videos.  I did that the day before, a pattern Carl himself established after years of visiting on saturdays. I feel like I'm either an abuser or an abuse victim and can't have healthy friendships. I think I need to go cold turkey off trying. I do not feel like ...

I can't get it out of my head.  Two kids come out of the store.  One is a little girl around five or six, the other a little boy around seven or eight. He appears to be in charge of his sister and she isn't obeying. He's hollering at her to slow down and come back, she's ignoring him. He catches up and turns her round and then grabs her hand to pull her back into the store. She stumbles and gets road rash on her elbow.  He says "you're okay, come on" quite impatiently while she's just discovering the shock of pain and starting to cry. I tell him "no, she's not okay, you pulled too hard and she fell and she's got a scuff on her now."  He gets up her with slightly less impatience and hauls her into the store.  Following behind I can hear their arrival at the adults in charge of them.  Because grand dad is yelling his face off at the boy, accusing him of pushing her down. I hustle over to see these two oldsters and pipe up and tell him h...

I coined a new term.  Facebreak. To take a facebreak is simply taking a break from facebook.  A common thing, just get fed up with all the discord and take a powder. I'm sick and fucking tired of all the false friendships, the criticism, the ranting. What's worse, is all the times someone expresses regret that I'm going from an interesting woman to an evil man.  Because all men are evil, and all women are saints, right? No regard for the reality that the person inside the shell is the same.  Fah, I can't take the annoyance anymore. I just got to the point where I felt hatred to all mankind at a more personal and intense level than usual. It's so much easier being neglected without reading a bazillion memes about human love and caring and having all these people express love and caring without one fucking single one of them actually extending themselves to give care! oh yes I do.  I'm currently bunny sitting and just got released from dropping in on my neighbo...

I'm truly beginning to believe that "human kindness" is a myth to keep people in line and mark out who the best victims are. It really doesn't seem to matter what I do or how I do it, it only garners criticism.  I have always clung to trying to hold friends, thinking I need people.  I mean, they're the ones holding the resources. I don't grow a garden or farm chickens or hunt moose.  If I want food and heat in the winter, other people have to let me have it for some reason. Money is the most common one, but to get money, I again have to turn to other people.  Thing is, they don't generally seem to come through. Not well anyway.  There's no shortage of good wishes but the actual resources are doled out with an eyedropper and that much I could get from the government.  I'm so fucking tired.  Tired of being nice. tired of trying. Tired of hoping.  Tired of caring for a world that just doesn't reciprocate. So what's the worst that could happen...