psych/soci -opathy sucks
i've been wandering around in a fog trying to figure out if I'm an abuser or a magnet for them?
Then I was listening to Rslash on youtube, he reads out stories curated from reddit about sociopaths and psychopaths and I keep hearing familiar phrases and tactics. Like you try and explain yourself for clarity and they reinterpret you in the worst possible light. "I'm just too tired to cope today." "You mean you're tired of me, you're always saying such horrible things to me. I mean, my problems are huge, you think I don't get tired? I just need...." Oh boy. Yeah. That's Carl in a nutshell, isn't it?
I'm a magnet for abusers, aren't I? I mean, with no true reflections around me I can't get a good idea about myself except what's in my head, and with all the gaslighting (that's what that up there is, a form of gaslighting) I have lost confidence in my self knowlege.
But then when I listen to myself talk, I think, maybe I'm delusional and just convincing myself.
Then I encounter little snippets like on Rslash of how abusive people act and recognize everyone in my life that's gotten close.
Why are non abusive people not getting close? Am I so low on myself I avoid those relationships for fear of being unaccepted or being an abuser? or am I in fact an abuser and only the abused and abusive will tolerate me?
Oh it's just got me in such a massive twist I just want to hide till I die.
It's fucking me up really bad. I can't focus. I have no energy. I'm distracted and grumpy. I've lost all motivation or caring.
and it doesn't make any difference except to my poor dogs who are the ones suffering the loss of me. The rest of the world goes on without me.
and I can't get it out of my head. Am I the -opath or not?
I made the stupid mistake of following through on one of those internet tests "are you a sociopath or a psychopath?" By the way the questions were geared it was clear they were directing me but I still had the crazy idea it would reassure me I wasn't. Nope, it told me quite cheerily that I was a psychopath and did I want to share the results on social media? Uhhhh, NO!
Then I was listening to Rslash on youtube, he reads out stories curated from reddit about sociopaths and psychopaths and I keep hearing familiar phrases and tactics. Like you try and explain yourself for clarity and they reinterpret you in the worst possible light. "I'm just too tired to cope today." "You mean you're tired of me, you're always saying such horrible things to me. I mean, my problems are huge, you think I don't get tired? I just need...." Oh boy. Yeah. That's Carl in a nutshell, isn't it?
I'm a magnet for abusers, aren't I? I mean, with no true reflections around me I can't get a good idea about myself except what's in my head, and with all the gaslighting (that's what that up there is, a form of gaslighting) I have lost confidence in my self knowlege.
But then when I listen to myself talk, I think, maybe I'm delusional and just convincing myself.
Then I encounter little snippets like on Rslash of how abusive people act and recognize everyone in my life that's gotten close.
Why are non abusive people not getting close? Am I so low on myself I avoid those relationships for fear of being unaccepted or being an abuser? or am I in fact an abuser and only the abused and abusive will tolerate me?
Oh it's just got me in such a massive twist I just want to hide till I die.
It's fucking me up really bad. I can't focus. I have no energy. I'm distracted and grumpy. I've lost all motivation or caring.
and it doesn't make any difference except to my poor dogs who are the ones suffering the loss of me. The rest of the world goes on without me.
and I can't get it out of my head. Am I the -opath or not?
I made the stupid mistake of following through on one of those internet tests "are you a sociopath or a psychopath?" By the way the questions were geared it was clear they were directing me but I still had the crazy idea it would reassure me I wasn't. Nope, it told me quite cheerily that I was a psychopath and did I want to share the results on social media? Uhhhh, NO!