Thoughts on psychopaths
A woman came to mind and engendered some thoughts. She was a particularly nasty person in the old days. She always had a court of followers arrayed around her in some way, but to me she would direct the darts, the cuts, the put downs, the jabs, everything. I just learned to keep my distance, puzzled about this weird personality.
Then many years later I encountered her and she was solo. Oh she was so nice, so sweet, so kind. So false. So strange to see her that way. Like I was an old friend and as if we'd shared good times. I've long figured out that other people's memories are much more editable than mine. I truly rely on my memory. Perhaps it's a lack of hard evidence to the contrary. I don't know. Well anyway, other people seem able to edit out the bits they don't like. If I did that, I'd think I was five years old... LOL
Well I have been thinking about this "being nice" habit of former bullies. A childhood bully tried to inject herself into my life recently and it felt every bit like someone who needed a lot. Sounded like she was couch surfing and unemployed. She even sent me gifts. Boy that gave me the guilts, but it was unsolicited so I simply did the thank yous. I clearly remembered her nasty face and her arm reaching toward me to deal pain and stress, and the mouth forming the cruel words that kept me forever on the outs at school. Yet here, over the internet, in text, this same human is professing an ancient friendship. I suppose it was true we were together a lot, I couldn't shake you, you sought me out and followed me around to torment me! Well ok, yeah, so I guess it's that quote on facebook about how nobody falls in love faster than a homeless psychopath. So I suppose mere loneliness will do it too once you've alienated enough of your court that you're not getting the attention you need.
I can understand that. I had a court for a short time, men I'd dated who were friends with each other as a result of having dated me. We were all friends. They felt a sort of brotherhood and I had the company of my own gender, if not my own sex. But you know I was a pretty sexy female, so we had to get that BS out of the way for a friendship to stop having that in there. They do push, you know. Oh how they push. So you finally get worn down and anyway you like him, friends and lovers could be a good thing. And it is, and you eventually reach the point where both of you understands that this is better as a friendship and you move on amicably. This is part of the transgender I suppose. I relate on a male level and in a friend this can work, in a lover it appears not to, and yet they couldn't let go the desire for me on the physical level. It was convenient for me, but also a nuisance I would have given up if I could. Most of the time I didn't really want sex. Once a man suggested I was turned on by myself, the ultimate narcissist. Well I'm a heterosexual man in a hot woman's body, how exactly did you think it would work? I mostly also told this part of myself to people quite readily. It is one of the "unacceptable" things about me that keeps me marginalized in society. The marijuana, the trans, the undiagnosed autism making me "strange" all contributed to it. Then you toss in that confidence in my intellect and memory with that autistic lack of tact and I just think I need to spend a lot less time around people! I just can't take it any more. But the way I live requires it. People take umbrage with the idea of not interacting. But it's so damn painful for me. When I get enough time alone, say a month or two, if I can, I really stop wanting to die and start enjoying being alive. I only wish I had a way to get alone other than committing a heinous crime to be put into solitary like clifford olson. I really don't think I could do that. Well I know I wouldn't, put it that way. But the whole solitary with meals at the door thing, I could do that! I just can't afford it.
Then many years later I encountered her and she was solo. Oh she was so nice, so sweet, so kind. So false. So strange to see her that way. Like I was an old friend and as if we'd shared good times. I've long figured out that other people's memories are much more editable than mine. I truly rely on my memory. Perhaps it's a lack of hard evidence to the contrary. I don't know. Well anyway, other people seem able to edit out the bits they don't like. If I did that, I'd think I was five years old... LOL
Well I have been thinking about this "being nice" habit of former bullies. A childhood bully tried to inject herself into my life recently and it felt every bit like someone who needed a lot. Sounded like she was couch surfing and unemployed. She even sent me gifts. Boy that gave me the guilts, but it was unsolicited so I simply did the thank yous. I clearly remembered her nasty face and her arm reaching toward me to deal pain and stress, and the mouth forming the cruel words that kept me forever on the outs at school. Yet here, over the internet, in text, this same human is professing an ancient friendship. I suppose it was true we were together a lot, I couldn't shake you, you sought me out and followed me around to torment me! Well ok, yeah, so I guess it's that quote on facebook about how nobody falls in love faster than a homeless psychopath. So I suppose mere loneliness will do it too once you've alienated enough of your court that you're not getting the attention you need.
I can understand that. I had a court for a short time, men I'd dated who were friends with each other as a result of having dated me. We were all friends. They felt a sort of brotherhood and I had the company of my own gender, if not my own sex. But you know I was a pretty sexy female, so we had to get that BS out of the way for a friendship to stop having that in there. They do push, you know. Oh how they push. So you finally get worn down and anyway you like him, friends and lovers could be a good thing. And it is, and you eventually reach the point where both of you understands that this is better as a friendship and you move on amicably. This is part of the transgender I suppose. I relate on a male level and in a friend this can work, in a lover it appears not to, and yet they couldn't let go the desire for me on the physical level. It was convenient for me, but also a nuisance I would have given up if I could. Most of the time I didn't really want sex. Once a man suggested I was turned on by myself, the ultimate narcissist. Well I'm a heterosexual man in a hot woman's body, how exactly did you think it would work? I mostly also told this part of myself to people quite readily. It is one of the "unacceptable" things about me that keeps me marginalized in society. The marijuana, the trans, the undiagnosed autism making me "strange" all contributed to it. Then you toss in that confidence in my intellect and memory with that autistic lack of tact and I just think I need to spend a lot less time around people! I just can't take it any more. But the way I live requires it. People take umbrage with the idea of not interacting. But it's so damn painful for me. When I get enough time alone, say a month or two, if I can, I really stop wanting to die and start enjoying being alive. I only wish I had a way to get alone other than committing a heinous crime to be put into solitary like clifford olson. I really don't think I could do that. Well I know I wouldn't, put it that way. But the whole solitary with meals at the door thing, I could do that! I just can't afford it.