Need a people break
Let's call him Carl, he uses me to unload his mental shit. He's my only friend, really, aside fromthe abusive husband. I feel like an emotional toilet. Flush it into the strong person, the one that keeps saying yes. I wasn't available enough yesterday, having had my own reality, and so he dumped his frustration on me via passive aggressive and text means. Told me he was suicidal and I was scary and my household was scary and made me fuck around trying to please him while fucking around trying to keep track of the puppy my husband was ignoring and still trying to salvage something of my day's plans. I mean, I was in the middle of something. I had not planned to spend the day sitting on my ass watching videos. I did that the day before, a pattern Carl himself established after years of visiting on saturdays.
I feel like I'm either an abuser or an abuse victim and can't have healthy friendships. I think I need to go cold turkey off trying. I do not feel like the friendships in which I've invested myself have been returning on that investment, nor can I assume they ever will. I do not suppose I have what it takes to create relationships that will offer me value, and I really am tired. So very tired.
I acknowlege that this might be my perspective and I've been getting value unrecognized. I also acknowlege that those who say that are often the ones who most manipulate and stress me. It's always those from whom I feel abused that call me ungrateful. From my POV, it's just too much work with too little return. I keep seeing people getting so much from their community that I don't get. From trade off labour to shared food and goods and even income. I see people trade all the time. I don't see this coming my way, neither offer nor recompense. I have always been willing to be available, to say yes, to put my effort where my talk is, but somehow this is not valuable enough to come back to me in time. I feel like a bit of pollen landing on a pond disturbed by many rocks.
I feel like I'm not allowed to express this out loud to others. Because it's so ingracious. So whiney. So pathetic.
But I really do want to take a powder. From the suicidal friend at least, and the abusive bitch next door, yes. And from trying. Oh yes from trying to be friends.
I remember the lovely evening Talia spent drinking wine with me for looking after her bunny. That's what I want more of. I spent the whole time worrying I wasn't good enough. That they were just being tolerant and nice. I still believe that, although it was a lot of fun.
That's part of where I'm too screwed up to have relationships. I don't feel good enough for people who aren't abusing me.
I'm tired of being the freak in the room. The odd one out. The victim. The abuser. I'm tired of being different from everyone. Tired of seeing myself in their eyes and the horrible picture therein. It just never gets any better. I fucking hate being alive. I really do. Fuck you Carl and fuck your fucking depression. You've got your problems and I've got mine and I'm tired of you dragging out the emotional scales and raking me over them year after year. You're a heavy fucking friend and you do not give good return. All you're good for is a smoking partner and you're not very good at that either. Fuck you!
I feel like I'm either an abuser or an abuse victim and can't have healthy friendships. I think I need to go cold turkey off trying. I do not feel like the friendships in which I've invested myself have been returning on that investment, nor can I assume they ever will. I do not suppose I have what it takes to create relationships that will offer me value, and I really am tired. So very tired.
I acknowlege that this might be my perspective and I've been getting value unrecognized. I also acknowlege that those who say that are often the ones who most manipulate and stress me. It's always those from whom I feel abused that call me ungrateful. From my POV, it's just too much work with too little return. I keep seeing people getting so much from their community that I don't get. From trade off labour to shared food and goods and even income. I see people trade all the time. I don't see this coming my way, neither offer nor recompense. I have always been willing to be available, to say yes, to put my effort where my talk is, but somehow this is not valuable enough to come back to me in time. I feel like a bit of pollen landing on a pond disturbed by many rocks.
I feel like I'm not allowed to express this out loud to others. Because it's so ingracious. So whiney. So pathetic.
But I really do want to take a powder. From the suicidal friend at least, and the abusive bitch next door, yes. And from trying. Oh yes from trying to be friends.
I remember the lovely evening Talia spent drinking wine with me for looking after her bunny. That's what I want more of. I spent the whole time worrying I wasn't good enough. That they were just being tolerant and nice. I still believe that, although it was a lot of fun.
That's part of where I'm too screwed up to have relationships. I don't feel good enough for people who aren't abusing me.
I'm tired of being the freak in the room. The odd one out. The victim. The abuser. I'm tired of being different from everyone. Tired of seeing myself in their eyes and the horrible picture therein. It just never gets any better. I fucking hate being alive. I really do. Fuck you Carl and fuck your fucking depression. You've got your problems and I've got mine and I'm tired of you dragging out the emotional scales and raking me over them year after year. You're a heavy fucking friend and you do not give good return. All you're good for is a smoking partner and you're not very good at that either. Fuck you!