The next 50 years

I'm seeing it, bearing down on me.  a freight train of stress.  I'm autistic, I can't do all these appointments, but there isn't any escape from them.  I mean, I get it, they're trying to save my life.  But they don't understand how fucked up it's going to make me.  Overwhelmed already, and it hasn't even gotten thick yet.  When I get overwhelmed, I get really emotional.  I can't understand people anymore.  I can't remember anything from one moment to the next, and can't think at a higher level than a moron. That's when the bullies always come out. People around me start deciding I'm deserving of cruelty.  I don't know exactly why, they're just resenting me, or disliking me, I don't know.  But yesterday it already started with a nurse.  I was getting a cat scan.  It was way over my ability to handle.  I'd been holding my pee in all day to comply with the demand to have a full bladder and it just had me so mentally inco...

Couldn't quit crying all night, now I'm numb and feeling black.  I just really don't feel motivated to live.  I just can't get past wondering if I'd be setting myself up for another fifty years of being lonely and bored and unwelcome. I keep hoping facebook will do something more than make words at me and show me I don't have to be lonely, bored, and unwelcome. I expect getting together the energy to go to events might help.  I don't know.  It's so uncomfortable anymore to try and interact in a crowd.  If I sit in a corner, I feel isolated.  If I try and drift into groups I am afraid they'll still quickly dissolve away from me like before.  I posted some of my art on facebook, thinking maybe some of the artists on there would mentor me and help me be an artist, not just someone who does art.  But I know how selfish the arts community has been, it seems unlikely.  I told Dan I need to see evidence that he's going to actively help make me a fut...

Just found out that the surgeon doesn't think he will be able to rebuild my rectum after surgery.  He said there was a faint chance (to give me false hope I"m sure) that the cancer would shrink enough, but really, it was in the muscles of the pelvic floor, and encompassing the whole rectum and just not likely I could have it reconnected.  He thought he told me in the hospital but I am sure I would have noticed and remembered that bit of terrible news. The thing disgusts me so very much. It's a nuisance. It interferes with my hot baths and makes me feel dirty all the time.  It's damned expensive, and embarassingly noisy.  It's set at just the point I normally would belt across my pants. So much to hate about it and now I have to live with it for how long? I mean, just one less thing to be pleased about my life.  Seriously, if this is added to my current experience in life and nothing gets better, why would I fight to live?  It just makes an already pale and...

My moods are much more volatile these days.  Not in the sense of flipping out, but in the sense of going from optimism to pessimism as a direct result of my tiredness and pain levels.  The pain meds are giving me the room I need to heal and start recovering, as well as start moving and building up strength again.  the antibiotics for my tooth are also helping a lot overall. I spent the weekend watching ostomy videos.  Some instructionals, some chit chatty, and some comedy.  I learned a lot and it's a blessing because I'm already running into problems with making it keep a good seal.  So I went to the supply place and picked up more supplies, different ones. She said I could return the unused supplies for credit so that's good.  The stuff is terribly expensive.  I've had to change out my appliance far too many times this weekend and throw out far too many bags and wafers.  I'm pleased to have output, but it's the worst output possible and rea...

tuesday I had the root canal done. Wednesday I got my staples out and had my first bath.  The doctor tuned up my meds and they really helped. Today I had to rush back to the dentist for the tooth, it's infected.  He was very serious about it, got me on powerful antibiotics and gave me his private cell number with instructions to call if it heads towards my eye or gets worse, or if in 48 hours it's not better. I called Iris to give me a ride.  She couldn't be available before three, for sure.  Dentist wanted to see me ASAP but I told him my ride wouldn't be able till after 3.  So he gave me 3:30, and I waited till the last minute to pester Iris again, having sent her the info at 2.  By 3pm she gets back to me that she's just too filthy to come get me, but will pick me up.  Uh huh, after I get there how? Taxi?  I mean, if she'd said no earlier or hadn't suggested that she would be available, I'd have called Dan to race home.  Now there wasn'...

I have lived with the word long enough its lost its shock value. i keep being surprised if I tell someone at their reaction. it really is the big scary of our times. a shared fear of death and plague and darkness.  to me its a little enemy. An opponent. a problem to be solved. a challenge to be endured. I often feel bad saying it after I see the shocked and solicitous response. sympathy on aa scale I could not have imagined and find hard to comprehend. I don't disagree that I am going through a lot but I hate acknowledging it. that makes it look bigger and harder and perception is everything. Tom was over to clean and this made some hours of talking. Plus Dan went into tantrum mode over stuff not worth detailing. His ego is such a burden to us both. I arged till I ran down, doing my usual best to stayon topic and respectful. he did the usual BS of interrupting me immediately on every sentence to tell me he doesnt care what I want to say on the matter, or to say something hurtful,...

I wanted things to pick up.  I guess I'm getting my wish. LOL  I've certainly made an effort to prod things into movement. So more appointments are booked. Turns out the cancer society/center folks are on my case and just powering ahead without worrying about if I get it or not.  I've got zero choice in appointments most of the time.  I expect I'm getting the ones leftover spare for emergencies.  I hope they don't collide at some point but then it's likely the staff booking are keeping track of that too? I cancelled the nurse for today and the stoma clinic 2 weeks away.  What the hell is a stoma clinic anyway? What more could you possibly need to teach me? From what I can see, I've got it.  And got it again. if not, google's been excellent including videos from other stoma patients showing solutions to things, volumes of forum posts with information.  I have nothing better to do than sit on the google.   I just think I very strongly need to...

A pamphlet from the cancer Center came and threw me over the top. I just can't take any more of this crap! I cancelled the home care nurse. They didn't want me to but I can't keep co-ordinating people.  None of the volunteered services are booked let alone done and I have no way of knowing these people will follow through.  I can't get Dan to let me hire someone to do the yard because he claims he'll do it but then he goes so slow and spends so much time on his PC outside of work.  He hasn't done anything on the list I gave him. The bird cages are still filthy. Now they give me yet another appointment, in the morning, next month, to go to a GROUP as though I could. I can't get through to the dental specialist or either of the women on the cancer society pamphlet or crocus co-op to get my yard work done.  The neighbor is sure to call the city and then they'll level fines over my smart car shelter, all because the yard is thick with spruce needles and cone...

Well I'm all concerned that my bowels aren't doing their job.  The doctors told me it can take awhile but you know these days I don't believe it till I read it online.  Doctors have such a nasty habit of lying to prevent fear that I don't trust them unless it's bad news. So I've been home since Saturday and still not getting proper results in my colostomy bag.  My tumour still tries to make me shit it out every time I need to pee. I figure it's the full bladder pressing on it triggering my rectum to get stupid.  Trying to say "no" to it is like stopping a train with a baby carriage.  It kind of does stop, but not before you're suffering and there's blood. So I went searching.  Up to 21 days one person waited.  given that my bowels were dead to the world for months, I get it, could be more than that.  I'm eating and it's good and if I eat enough this time, it should push through instead of just blocking, so I won't slow down eat...

Whew, what an eventful week. Typing it out is going to exhaust me. Wednesday I went for the MRI that we got at the last minute, followed by oncologist consult.  He booked me immediately into the hospital for a colostomy that night and a cat scan.  He said from what he could see it didn't look like my cancer was spread, so that is hopeful. I went in and the ER people acted like I was some privileged brat to get a bed so soon.  Pffft, screw you asshole, it's not up to me and I'm not to blame.  I just said "I guess I deserve it."  he said "lots of people here do."  I responded "well my doctor seems to think it important."  Fucker.  How dare he make me feel bad about it?  He doesn't even know what's going on with me! So Wednesday was interesting.  The MRI was fascinating and I actually felt the magnetic field moving.  The catscan was relatively boring after that. Then more time sitting around ER and up to a bed and shortly after, wh...

If I had to say one particular cause of why I got cancer, especially as I'd been doing everything right to avoid it, I'd say it's caused by unkindness.  So many unkind people, so much disrespect and grief offered to me. When you are unkind to someone, you cause them stress. Stress kills.  Stress depresses the immune system, rearranges the blood flow and endocrine system, sacrifices healing in favour of defensive posture, and creates it's own damage through the behaviour it inspires, like trembling, tensing, grinding teeth, self harm behaviour, mental damage from emotions, and more.  We don't even have it all catalogued, let alone me remembering it all. Then there's the denial of oxytocin you bring about when you are unkind.  Oxytocin is to adrenalin what comfort is to stress.  Oxytocin comes from within but must be triggered from without.  You can give yourself some, but for proper release, it takes interaction with others.  Whether it's pride, nurtu...