locomotive speed
I wanted things to pick up. I guess I'm getting my wish. LOL I've certainly made an effort to prod things into movement.
So more appointments are booked. Turns out the cancer society/center folks are on my case and just powering ahead without worrying about if I get it or not. I've got zero choice in appointments most of the time. I expect I'm getting the ones leftover spare for emergencies. I hope they don't collide at some point but then it's likely the staff booking are keeping track of that too?
I cancelled the nurse for today and the stoma clinic 2 weeks away. What the hell is a stoma clinic anyway? What more could you possibly need to teach me? From what I can see, I've got it. And got it again. if not, google's been excellent including videos from other stoma patients showing solutions to things, volumes of forum posts with information. I have nothing better to do than sit on the google. I just think I very strongly need to pare down the number of things I have to keep track of, the number of outings, the people I have to interface with.
So Theresa showed up and gave me my first energy/massage session. As I suspected, most of the work was undone within a few hours but I still think the healing puts me ahead. As time passes and we get an accumulated effect they should last longer and longer. She's coming by again tomorrow morning to do the compost. Again, progress on things promised, and that's soothing me. In that same vein Tom has promised to come over Sunday and start on some of the spring cleaning.
I called Crocus Co-op about the yard and they couldn't get here soon enough for me. So I put the fee they'd charge up on facebook and put out a call-out for someone. Meantime, being really nervous that next door would call the city on me, not that I know who did, I decided to tell her about my cancer and get a little patience from her. What I got was two granddaughters cleaning the mess in the yard for me. Dan still has to do it again but there's a lot less for him to deal with and it's not such a massive chore anymore. i gave them a fraction of what it would have cost to hire Crocus. Eileen needs someone to cry at and something to distract her each day and I'm going to enlist her as my daytime baby sitter. Get her in here to come serve me for an hour in the afternoon. Feed me some food, make some coffee with the tassimo, and have a chat too. I need those fucking keys that didn't get properly cut. I'm ticked about that. It may not be a lot of money involved but the time is scarce for such nonsense. At any rate, we'll have to get those keys cut asap I guess.
Emotions.
Wow. Shame. Grief. Loss of beauty. Loss of image. Loss of strength. My ugly skin. My darkned hair. My wrinles and paleness. So thin and tired looking. It's written on my face that I'm not fit, My fitness was an earned badge of honor to me. My beauty was too, even olderr, I felt beautiful from just being bright and youthful. Now I'm a scary looking old blue haired witch on the corner. The girls seemed a bit uncomfortable with me. Everyone sees me and looks with pity. They can see how bad I am. I need the help. It's embarassing as fuck. These are emotions to chew on. it bothers me too because it makes this all even more real. Because i feel petulant and resistant, wanting to undo all this and make it go away. When Eileen reacted with great intensity, and looked at me with such pity, it just wounded me so much. I didn't want to know how bad I look. She threatened to come over later, not sure if I heard that right, if she will call first, no idea. I'm so tired though. Rather see her on Monday afternoon while dan is at work so I'll have to explain that to her, what I want from her. I referenced it once but I'm sure she's blanked it out already. I really think she can do what I want, come by on dan's work days and help me feed Timmy and maybe take him out and grab me some snacks out the fridge. it would really help and she can have company by sitting down and visiting awhile. I can take that. She's got a lot of the wind out of her sails from grief over her husband, so that makes it more reasonable. She won't be bulling herself over me. Plus I'm so scary sick it tames the beast in bullies.
Eileen is really hurting over Leonard. She says her counsellor is advising she curtail visits to see him down to twice a week, because it beats her up so bad to see him.
leonard is such a sweet guy. Really accommodating and friendly. they married right out of high school. Now he's an alzheimer's patient slowly declining to death and losing so much of himself he can't even stay home under his wife's care. I don't know what that looks like in practice, having been sheltered from this disease, but it clearly is creating havoc with Eileen's heart greater than if he had died. She's got all the results of being widowed, alone and missing him, but the obligation to visit his shell. Then, of course, it's still him, her beloved, in aspect and sometimes in person, so it would break her heart over and over again.
I can be here for her for that. I can. Not so much in understanding but in helping her accept the natural grief that can't be avoided and letting her run on about it too. That won't tire me out and she'll be doing my vertical work so I don't have to spend as much time letting gravity press on my cancer.
Speaking of which, I'm wondering if I stuffed a sock into a second pair of panties so it's pushed up against my butt, would it act like a hernia truss or something and give me any relief? I need to inquire of the doctor when we see him again, see if he has any ideas how I can off set the pressure of gravity on the tumour. It's clearly an issue. It's just taken me awhile to figure it out. Bladder fullness too, yes, but gravity is pulling the heavy thing into my rectum, and that is bruising everything, especially when the damn rectum takes over and demands a mighty push, which is very very hard to resist and painful, and takes me up to twenty minutes to calm down. that's the source of most of my pain, and I'm going to need a more regular course of pain relief than currently planned on. If it's handled well enough, if i can find a way to support the weight without the current pressure, maybe I can be a little more active. even if i only am able to sit up at the table, do dishes, run a load in the washer. essentially where I was beginning to be as my surgery started to heal, then that'll carry me along.
Besides, everyone else says, and I know from pet care it's true, pain should not simply be borne, it sets back the healing and increases the illness. It's not just a feeling I endure. It's a thing that impairs my recovery.
So more appointments are booked. Turns out the cancer society/center folks are on my case and just powering ahead without worrying about if I get it or not. I've got zero choice in appointments most of the time. I expect I'm getting the ones leftover spare for emergencies. I hope they don't collide at some point but then it's likely the staff booking are keeping track of that too?
I cancelled the nurse for today and the stoma clinic 2 weeks away. What the hell is a stoma clinic anyway? What more could you possibly need to teach me? From what I can see, I've got it. And got it again. if not, google's been excellent including videos from other stoma patients showing solutions to things, volumes of forum posts with information. I have nothing better to do than sit on the google. I just think I very strongly need to pare down the number of things I have to keep track of, the number of outings, the people I have to interface with.
So Theresa showed up and gave me my first energy/massage session. As I suspected, most of the work was undone within a few hours but I still think the healing puts me ahead. As time passes and we get an accumulated effect they should last longer and longer. She's coming by again tomorrow morning to do the compost. Again, progress on things promised, and that's soothing me. In that same vein Tom has promised to come over Sunday and start on some of the spring cleaning.
I called Crocus Co-op about the yard and they couldn't get here soon enough for me. So I put the fee they'd charge up on facebook and put out a call-out for someone. Meantime, being really nervous that next door would call the city on me, not that I know who did, I decided to tell her about my cancer and get a little patience from her. What I got was two granddaughters cleaning the mess in the yard for me. Dan still has to do it again but there's a lot less for him to deal with and it's not such a massive chore anymore. i gave them a fraction of what it would have cost to hire Crocus. Eileen needs someone to cry at and something to distract her each day and I'm going to enlist her as my daytime baby sitter. Get her in here to come serve me for an hour in the afternoon. Feed me some food, make some coffee with the tassimo, and have a chat too. I need those fucking keys that didn't get properly cut. I'm ticked about that. It may not be a lot of money involved but the time is scarce for such nonsense. At any rate, we'll have to get those keys cut asap I guess.
Emotions.
Wow. Shame. Grief. Loss of beauty. Loss of image. Loss of strength. My ugly skin. My darkned hair. My wrinles and paleness. So thin and tired looking. It's written on my face that I'm not fit, My fitness was an earned badge of honor to me. My beauty was too, even olderr, I felt beautiful from just being bright and youthful. Now I'm a scary looking old blue haired witch on the corner. The girls seemed a bit uncomfortable with me. Everyone sees me and looks with pity. They can see how bad I am. I need the help. It's embarassing as fuck. These are emotions to chew on. it bothers me too because it makes this all even more real. Because i feel petulant and resistant, wanting to undo all this and make it go away. When Eileen reacted with great intensity, and looked at me with such pity, it just wounded me so much. I didn't want to know how bad I look. She threatened to come over later, not sure if I heard that right, if she will call first, no idea. I'm so tired though. Rather see her on Monday afternoon while dan is at work so I'll have to explain that to her, what I want from her. I referenced it once but I'm sure she's blanked it out already. I really think she can do what I want, come by on dan's work days and help me feed Timmy and maybe take him out and grab me some snacks out the fridge. it would really help and she can have company by sitting down and visiting awhile. I can take that. She's got a lot of the wind out of her sails from grief over her husband, so that makes it more reasonable. She won't be bulling herself over me. Plus I'm so scary sick it tames the beast in bullies.
Eileen is really hurting over Leonard. She says her counsellor is advising she curtail visits to see him down to twice a week, because it beats her up so bad to see him.
leonard is such a sweet guy. Really accommodating and friendly. they married right out of high school. Now he's an alzheimer's patient slowly declining to death and losing so much of himself he can't even stay home under his wife's care. I don't know what that looks like in practice, having been sheltered from this disease, but it clearly is creating havoc with Eileen's heart greater than if he had died. She's got all the results of being widowed, alone and missing him, but the obligation to visit his shell. Then, of course, it's still him, her beloved, in aspect and sometimes in person, so it would break her heart over and over again.
I can be here for her for that. I can. Not so much in understanding but in helping her accept the natural grief that can't be avoided and letting her run on about it too. That won't tire me out and she'll be doing my vertical work so I don't have to spend as much time letting gravity press on my cancer.
Speaking of which, I'm wondering if I stuffed a sock into a second pair of panties so it's pushed up against my butt, would it act like a hernia truss or something and give me any relief? I need to inquire of the doctor when we see him again, see if he has any ideas how I can off set the pressure of gravity on the tumour. It's clearly an issue. It's just taken me awhile to figure it out. Bladder fullness too, yes, but gravity is pulling the heavy thing into my rectum, and that is bruising everything, especially when the damn rectum takes over and demands a mighty push, which is very very hard to resist and painful, and takes me up to twenty minutes to calm down. that's the source of most of my pain, and I'm going to need a more regular course of pain relief than currently planned on. If it's handled well enough, if i can find a way to support the weight without the current pressure, maybe I can be a little more active. even if i only am able to sit up at the table, do dishes, run a load in the washer. essentially where I was beginning to be as my surgery started to heal, then that'll carry me along.
Besides, everyone else says, and I know from pet care it's true, pain should not simply be borne, it sets back the healing and increases the illness. It's not just a feeling I endure. It's a thing that impairs my recovery.