The crisis has been here for months now. When does it explode?
A pamphlet from the cancer Center came and threw me over the top. I just can't take any more of this crap! I cancelled the home care nurse. They didn't want me to but I can't keep co-ordinating people. None of the volunteered services are booked let alone done and I have no way of knowing these people will follow through. I can't get Dan to let me hire someone to do the yard because he claims he'll do it but then he goes so slow and spends so much time on his PC outside of work. He hasn't done anything on the list I gave him. The bird cages are still filthy. Now they give me yet another appointment, in the morning, next month, to go to a GROUP as though I could. I can't get through to the dental specialist or either of the women on the cancer society pamphlet or crocus co-op to get my yard work done. The neighbor is sure to call the city and then they'll level fines over my smart car shelter, all because the yard is thick with spruce needles and cones and my egotistic husband can't admit when he needs help. I'm supposed to open the door and greet this person or that, tell them what I need, know who to call when I'm in trouble and what to ask of them, and if they're going to provide it. I just want to lay here in pain trying not to scream. I don't even want to get up and feed myself anymore. It hurts every time I'm vertical, even sitting like this to type is pushing my boundaries. When I take the pain killers I can't even safely make my way to the bathroom, they make me so disco-ordinated and removed from my senses, so I daren't at least till I've given myself a shower. My fucking bag won't quit leaking because the products are all water and gas which forces the water through the inadequately sealed closure. So I stink too. Every time I stand my tumour goes haywire and I have to sit on the toilet shitting blood and trying to make it not strain while it bombs me with pain. It stinks in my nose. Right now it stinks. But I'm risking coughing to smoke my pipe as that won't impair my mobility but it will ease my crying and stress which is overcoming me entirely this afternoon.
I've had lots of volunteers but little actual services rendered. My dealer said he could bring me butter to get high without smoking but I guess he's out of town and I haven't heard further about it so I'm smoking the pipe. What else can I do?
I'm feeling angry, scared, frustrated. I'm afraid of the CRA who won't give a shit what we're going through and I'm afraid of the neighbor who called us on our shrubbery last autumn and almost got us fined for my driveway and smart car shelter too. Only some fast talking and faster effort, while I was already goddamn sick as a dog, got me saved from that before winter. Now I'm still sick, still can't get anything done. I need the smart car out back sent to the wreckers. I need the lawn cleaned up. I need the house dust rinsed off. I get dusty hands with every thing I touch. I need the gazebo set up for use. I need the recycling cashed in. I need the compost bins emptied. Lots of people have said they will, nothing is done.
and yet, there's only been a few days elapsed. To other people it's not time yet. To me, it's stuff that clouds my mind and keeps me awake and feels very imminent. But because they are all volunteers and I need them, I can't get all demanding and anxious at them or they surely won't follow through. But when? When will the bird cages get cleaned? When can I get the laundry washed and hung? How does dan do all these "extra" projects when the weekly chores use up all the time he's willing to put in and he does a shit-ass job because he thinks it's someone else's priority?
this is what I write this blog for. I'm so pissed and freaked out and I need to scream it to the heavens and I can't afford to vent to anyone for fear of losing help. So I come here and bitch and bitch and don't feel like an asshole for being negative or selfish or impatient, because it's not at anyone. Not one of the people I'm upset at know where this blog is, so they won't read it, so they won't get mad at me. If I thought for one moment they'd hear me and help ease my distress I'd share but really? Nobody ever has felt that way towards me. I'm always just a burden and now? I'm an actual burden. I used to be a hard worker in the shadows. Accused of being a burden, yet doing all I could to give something of value to the world. From providing haven to wildlife, to making aesthetic effort for others to look at, to reaching out and being generous with others. Now? I can't even help myself. I'm so scared it'll all come crashing in before I can heal and jump back into my place and lift up my burdens once more.
One thing I am grateful for. I gave away the fish and the plants. Watching them actually die in front of me was too much and it was happening. Everyone seems to think there's plenty of time but this has been in crisis for a long time now and I just keep getting put off and put off. What am I doing wrong? Not enough money? Didn't flatter people enough? Didn't lie? Why am I still sitting on the edge of a precipice while they run around getting coffee for each other instead of getting me a rope?
I've had lots of volunteers but little actual services rendered. My dealer said he could bring me butter to get high without smoking but I guess he's out of town and I haven't heard further about it so I'm smoking the pipe. What else can I do?
I'm feeling angry, scared, frustrated. I'm afraid of the CRA who won't give a shit what we're going through and I'm afraid of the neighbor who called us on our shrubbery last autumn and almost got us fined for my driveway and smart car shelter too. Only some fast talking and faster effort, while I was already goddamn sick as a dog, got me saved from that before winter. Now I'm still sick, still can't get anything done. I need the smart car out back sent to the wreckers. I need the lawn cleaned up. I need the house dust rinsed off. I get dusty hands with every thing I touch. I need the gazebo set up for use. I need the recycling cashed in. I need the compost bins emptied. Lots of people have said they will, nothing is done.
and yet, there's only been a few days elapsed. To other people it's not time yet. To me, it's stuff that clouds my mind and keeps me awake and feels very imminent. But because they are all volunteers and I need them, I can't get all demanding and anxious at them or they surely won't follow through. But when? When will the bird cages get cleaned? When can I get the laundry washed and hung? How does dan do all these "extra" projects when the weekly chores use up all the time he's willing to put in and he does a shit-ass job because he thinks it's someone else's priority?
this is what I write this blog for. I'm so pissed and freaked out and I need to scream it to the heavens and I can't afford to vent to anyone for fear of losing help. So I come here and bitch and bitch and don't feel like an asshole for being negative or selfish or impatient, because it's not at anyone. Not one of the people I'm upset at know where this blog is, so they won't read it, so they won't get mad at me. If I thought for one moment they'd hear me and help ease my distress I'd share but really? Nobody ever has felt that way towards me. I'm always just a burden and now? I'm an actual burden. I used to be a hard worker in the shadows. Accused of being a burden, yet doing all I could to give something of value to the world. From providing haven to wildlife, to making aesthetic effort for others to look at, to reaching out and being generous with others. Now? I can't even help myself. I'm so scared it'll all come crashing in before I can heal and jump back into my place and lift up my burdens once more.
One thing I am grateful for. I gave away the fish and the plants. Watching them actually die in front of me was too much and it was happening. Everyone seems to think there's plenty of time but this has been in crisis for a long time now and I just keep getting put off and put off. What am I doing wrong? Not enough money? Didn't flatter people enough? Didn't lie? Why am I still sitting on the edge of a precipice while they run around getting coffee for each other instead of getting me a rope?