colostomy permanent

Just found out that the surgeon doesn't think he will be able to rebuild my rectum after surgery.  He said there was a faint chance (to give me false hope I"m sure) that the cancer would shrink enough, but really, it was in the muscles of the pelvic floor, and encompassing the whole rectum and just not likely I could have it reconnected.  He thought he told me in the hospital but I am sure I would have noticed and remembered that bit of terrible news.
The thing disgusts me so very much. It's a nuisance. It interferes with my hot baths and makes me feel dirty all the time.  It's damned expensive, and embarassingly noisy.  It's set at just the point I normally would belt across my pants. So much to hate about it and now I have to live with it for how long? I mean, just one less thing to be pleased about my life.  Seriously, if this is added to my current experience in life and nothing gets better, why would I fight to live?  It just makes an already pale and dissatisfying life uglier.  It's all just getting uglier and uglier.  The bills aren't getting any smaller.  The creditors aren't getting any politer.  The future isn't getting any brighter.  I just don't know.
Reasons to live: I feel sorry for Dan, Timmy and Sam if I don't.
that's it.
Possible reasons to live? I don't know.  The bus plan is a desperate attempt to give my life some interest and something exciting or fun.  My life is so fucking empty and pointless right now.  Now I live it with a shit bag hanging off my belly? I just don't know.  I just don't trust Dan to make my dreams come true. I think he likes a static predictable life of nothing new.
I just don't know.  What's there for me? How do I fight to be healthy in the next six months with nothing to live for? Nothing but my pity for three others?

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