cancer is a big little word.
I have lived with the word long enough its lost its shock value. i keep being surprised if I tell someone at their reaction. it really is the big scary of our times. a shared fear of death and plague and darkness. to me its a little enemy. An opponent. a problem to be solved. a challenge to be endured.
I often feel bad saying it after I see the shocked and solicitous response. sympathy on aa scale I could not have imagined and find hard to comprehend. I don't disagree that I am going through a lot but I hate acknowledging it. that makes it look bigger and harder and perception is everything.
Tom was over to clean and this made some hours of talking. Plus Dan went into tantrum mode over stuff not worth detailing. His ego is such a burden to us both. I arged till I ran down, doing my usual best to stayon topic and respectful. he did the usual BS of interrupting me immediately on every sentence to tell me he doesnt care what I want to say on the matter, or to say something hurtful, or untrue. after it wound down I asked Tom who witnessed the whole thing if I handled it weel like a good wife, like I tried to do. He quietly acknowledged as I had done well. so finally, however reluctant, a witness that the abuse is all one sided and I am not the one doing it. Just the same, it really wiped me out. I gotta figure out something to improve my abilities. this is just untenable.
the tireder I get, the more inflamed the mass and organs arond it. the more vertical and/or inflamed, the heavier. More pressure makes for more pain including muscle spasms. It interferes with peeing quite badly too. the rectal end sends blood and strains against my will. I worry that only shrinking with thr treatments can give relief, even with pain killer use.
I made up with next door and I am going to give her a key and ask her to come by when dan is working to help me out a bit and sit with coffee. I called her to tell her the news but didn't expect her to freak out and come running to reach out to me. she sent her granddaughters to clean my yard. that will help Dan. she is really suffering the loss of her husband. He is a very sweet man but alzheimer's has him lost in a care home. it is breaking her heart. I could sit with that pain.
Dan still hasn't quite realized how hard it is to replace me but it must be dawning on him as he keeps coming up short. it would be so much easier if I could restore function to myself and take up more of it. I wish I had a new idea. I wish pain killing was enough but it only lifts me from hell, doesn't let me ignore the underlying condition. its been a long illness.
I often feel bad saying it after I see the shocked and solicitous response. sympathy on aa scale I could not have imagined and find hard to comprehend. I don't disagree that I am going through a lot but I hate acknowledging it. that makes it look bigger and harder and perception is everything.
Tom was over to clean and this made some hours of talking. Plus Dan went into tantrum mode over stuff not worth detailing. His ego is such a burden to us both. I arged till I ran down, doing my usual best to stayon topic and respectful. he did the usual BS of interrupting me immediately on every sentence to tell me he doesnt care what I want to say on the matter, or to say something hurtful, or untrue. after it wound down I asked Tom who witnessed the whole thing if I handled it weel like a good wife, like I tried to do. He quietly acknowledged as I had done well. so finally, however reluctant, a witness that the abuse is all one sided and I am not the one doing it. Just the same, it really wiped me out. I gotta figure out something to improve my abilities. this is just untenable.
the tireder I get, the more inflamed the mass and organs arond it. the more vertical and/or inflamed, the heavier. More pressure makes for more pain including muscle spasms. It interferes with peeing quite badly too. the rectal end sends blood and strains against my will. I worry that only shrinking with thr treatments can give relief, even with pain killer use.
I made up with next door and I am going to give her a key and ask her to come by when dan is working to help me out a bit and sit with coffee. I called her to tell her the news but didn't expect her to freak out and come running to reach out to me. she sent her granddaughters to clean my yard. that will help Dan. she is really suffering the loss of her husband. He is a very sweet man but alzheimer's has him lost in a care home. it is breaking her heart. I could sit with that pain.
Dan still hasn't quite realized how hard it is to replace me but it must be dawning on him as he keeps coming up short. it would be so much easier if I could restore function to myself and take up more of it. I wish I had a new idea. I wish pain killing was enough but it only lifts me from hell, doesn't let me ignore the underlying condition. its been a long illness.