depressed

Couldn't quit crying all night, now I'm numb and feeling black.  I just really don't feel motivated to live.  I just can't get past wondering if I'd be setting myself up for another fifty years of being lonely and bored and unwelcome. I keep hoping facebook will do something more than make words at me and show me I don't have to be lonely, bored, and unwelcome. I expect getting together the energy to go to events might help.  I don't know.  It's so uncomfortable anymore to try and interact in a crowd.  If I sit in a corner, I feel isolated.  If I try and drift into groups I am afraid they'll still quickly dissolve away from me like before.  I posted some of my art on facebook, thinking maybe some of the artists on there would mentor me and help me be an artist, not just someone who does art.  But I know how selfish the arts community has been, it seems unlikely.  I told Dan I need to see evidence that he's going to actively help make me a future I can believe in, but like all our conversations ever, it's got no promise for me.I don't even care if we miss the specialist appointment because I don't care anymore if I get treatment.  Things just went, in my view, from an unbearable life to nasty and unbearable.
I really don't want to keep trying.  I really don't want to go through all this for nothing but more of the same stress, worry, loneliness, boredom, and debt.
Nope, can't work through this feeling that easily.  It's not about perspective, it's about quality of life and mine has not been enough to make me want more, nor is there any reason to think it's going to change for the better, especially as it's changing for the worse.

Popular posts from this blog

End of January, good news mostly

I feel so solitary tonight. Like, I want to just talk about things but there's not really an outlet. I went to the knitting group for the 3rd week. I was proud to show off my socks but they were ignored, except maybe for the dude who soon after went from sitting beside me to sitting across the room and table from me. Swiftly, much less. I found that move so pointed I just packed up and left. After all, I wanted to learn socks and I did.  This has me having to think more deeply about my desire for community vs my nerves. See, another thing I just figured out is what ails me. It's not CFS, or MS or another mysterious nervous system disorder. No, it's simple nervous exhaustion. I didn't realiize itcould manifest like this.With such a wide range of alarming symptoms. So I am now adding nerve system rest to my lifestyle. One way is to lay quiet with ablindfold, possibly knitting, or with ambient or classical music playing and no ads. Another is to mask the city noises ...
Read more

why I do my own hair

I booked myself in for a hair appointment yesterday.  I thought it went well, although during some points I sensed she'd turned on me.  However, she was too professional to be obvious about it so I wasn't able to know if it was paranoia or instinct, you know?  I mean, normal humans would sense these things clearly, I'm just left with a vague uncertainty I can't trust.  I can't ask anyone about it as they'd always lie.  Humans always lie.  That's the problem.  They lie, and they expect you to do the same and I just can't. I got done my hair appointment, she tried giving me a discount, several times, as though she'd done something horrible to me, but I was innocent yet.  When I was giving my hair a better look in the bathroom I finally realized she'd swapped the pink and blue colours and I had blue hair with pink accents instead of pink hair with blue accents. I stopped by the salon to make sure she knew, and she acted like she thought that was w...
Read more

does anyone care?

"Meltdowns can take the form of screaming, crying, physical aggression or it can be a shutdown where there is no speaking or activity. In either situation the person with ASD is in tremendous distress. Their safety and emotional stability should be the top priority above all other considerations." I saw this video of a kid having a tantrum and his dog interfering to comfort him. It was titled "dog helps asperger's kid with meltdown."  It was exactly the kind of emotional meltdown I suffer all too frequently. It left me weeping.  Why?  Because everyone seemed to give a damn about the kid's emotional distress.  I've never experienced that.  When I hit emotional distress it's always been a case of "oh there she goes again, taking over the room with dramatic hysterics.  Get her out of here and make sure she regrets it." Now I see above that there are people who actually think it's not okay for someone like me to feel the way I do so oft...
Read more