The next 50 years

It's not quite new year's.  Tomorrow I plan to visit a new friend while she recovers in hospital.  Unless she's swamped with visitors I'll try and be there daily.  Even if I just sit and spin yarn, or arrive and leave soon after, just providing the stability of someone who has the time and will to come round is valuable when you're in there.  Most folks really do have lives to get to.  So I don't know if I can get the room number at front office but it used to always be that way and I'll try it. I know her name amd what's been done, they can send me round to the right nursing station. I've been eating more than I should but less than I would.  Christmas Eve I broke down and bought more chocolate, having been very sparingly doling out the bits of some small bars from the mall.  See, the cocoa has iimportant fats in it, but the sugar in the chocolate undermines the fasting.  Then I went out on the 24th to a snack shop with a small variety of odd...

It's late, just after midnight of DE25/26 and I haven't had a meal since DE08.  I've had a mouthful of gelatin and lots of salt and a pack of roasted seaweed and a couple squirts of concentrated lemon juice every day, and lately, some chocolate. I've had coconut water twice weekly ish and yesterday ate a whole single pack of lays stax from the snack shop.  Plus extra chocolate.   I had double the chocolate today too, because it's been so easy to say it's christmas, binge a little.   I've  gone from 150 ish to 130 ish pounds since the 8th and that includes 2 gained from the christmas binge. Someone had a food tent set up for us on the icbc lawn.  That was nice. they went round knocking. I told them I didn't eat anymore.  they didn't understand.  I might have otherwise found food I do eat, but  I really intend to do this. It's so difficult emotionally. Physically it's distressingly familiar.  I've been doing this before from just...

There is a place.  You have to wait for the right fog. The kind of magic mist that takes the city away in sound and sight and leaves you in a forest alone.  Then you turn to the left, a step and a half, just there, between those two spots, you slip through and away. Over there, I am home.  It's where I belong.  There is a village by the woods and the hearths are stone and the houses warm and the food local. People share the burden of survival.  I have a big wooden chair by the hearth where I sit and spin yarn. Someone brings me more wool or when it's dinner, a meal, and I spin yarn. Someone else hauls away the yarn to the dyers.  We all work together. The house is never silent whether it's people talking or making music or the pets dominating the audio while the healthy folks are doing the bigger chores. But then there's always a few kids to watch too. People think I don't like kids. I  let them. I don't know them here anymore, they're not real kids in...

If I was a kid, services. When I was a kid, services only for adults because parents were responsible. When they fixed that, I wss one year too old for services. Addiction? Services. Non-white? Services. Visibly handicapped to the degree that "ugly laws" would have affected you? Yep, services.  Got kids? Services. Me? Delay, deny, defend.        Dan and I have been talking about signing my bus over to him in March as the only  way to keep it on the road. It won't pass certification in BC and I can't relicense it in sk.  I was starting to calm down, accepting that it would work and why was I so resistant? Then tonight I was telling a woman with an emotionally abusive ex about how Dan used to boost me up then slam me down, emotionally, using rage and tantrums and witholding of "nice dan." I went absolutely cold realizing I was about to sign myself back over to this person.  He's been on his best behaviour only because I own my bus and can drive...

Come get the unicorn magic while it lasts, I guess. You are entering a future of pastels and greys and blacks and reds. In all things you will express hate, not love, devotion, not fealty, anger, not peace, smug satisfaction, not joy.  We are dying. I want to die most fervently, more so than ever before. I do not feel any hope for anyone or anything. I do not believe in any of the spirituality stuff. I don't believe in love or anything. I do believe I will see only more sorrow and pain for the foreseeable future with no benefit or gain beyond sun on water.   Yesterday was the first of every other day fasting. When the food runs out, it's free and keto or I no eato. Will I die from this? It's really hard to say. If there is anything but these meat bags battling for space, then I am unkillable. If there isn't, I can enhance the effort. If asked, I will state that I am on a hunger strike against poverty. What's more, now I can afford candles and bic lighters and wd...