Maybe not 50 years after all?

It's late, just after midnight of DE25/26 and I haven't had a meal since DE08.  I've had a mouthful of gelatin and lots of salt and a pack of roasted seaweed and a couple squirts of concentrated lemon juice every day, and lately, some chocolate. I've had coconut water twice weekly ish and yesterday ate a whole single pack of lays stax from the snack shop.  Plus extra chocolate.  

I had double the chocolate today too, because it's been so easy to say it's christmas, binge a little.  

I've  gone from 150 ish to 130 ish pounds since the 8th and that includes 2 gained from the christmas binge.

Someone had a food tent set up for us on the icbc lawn.  That was nice. they went round knocking. I told them I didn't eat anymore.  they didn't understand.  I might have otherwise found food I do eat, but  I really intend to do this.

It's so difficult emotionally. Physically it's distressingly familiar.  I've been doing this before from just running out of food before the end of the month. But it's now pretty much the longest I've gone.  

I did dip into my savings and buy a new laptop for $300, a speaker for $70 to amplify my cd player or my phone or computer, and a power brick to power the bar or charge my phone.   I also bought a generator.  Altogether I spent around $600 or so? It's made life more civilized to be able to run the generator and play a little on the xbox while recharging things.  The solar is sick, I think the batteries are too abused from all the poor charging.  Replacing them would cost more than the genny.  The laptop was after the old one bricked itself when I refused to allow it to update.  Dan is trying to get it to boot up and it doesnn't.  I'll miss the touch screen.   I like the new one but I hate the OS.  Win11 is so nannied. they take away all your control and microsoft holds it all.  Very irritating. I've been slowly slashing through the proctections to get to the meat of the system and do with it as I wish. I bought it, I'll do as I please, including break it. 

Starving has been hard on my energy more than anything else.

The reason is hard on my moods.

Have I explained?

Ok, nutshell.  My bus expires april 01. I could sign it over to dan   and keep going.  I was describing some of my marriage in a comment to an abused wife and went so cold realizing I was now faced wiith giving this man all my power. More than he's ever had over me. Alll of it. 

Honestly I can't say he wouldn't start hitting me.  It's him or the impound lot. You know? 

Then I'm exhausted trying to keep up with this.  The mold and moisture. The expense and cold. The crowding and uncertainty. The brakes problem. The rust just growing and growing. 

I have ostomy leaks and all I have is wet wipes.

I can afford them now I don't buy food.  Same with kleenex. Oh and my allergies went away too. A bit of nose action if I don't use any meds, that's it.  Not buying food means buying kerosene and gasolinefor the genny and diesel for the car and food for the dogs, and the electronics, and putting away savings. 

Now, if I'm dying in march, I don't care about the savings,. Dan can have it.  Maybe pay for the bus and car.  If I get housing, I can use it to cover deposit or put away for the vet, what I don't need for the car import.  So on. 

But thing is, the nurse practitioner says he will put in for a counselor and social worker, and wrote that in my heirarchy of needs, housing is at the top.

Ok, so that's attention.

but will a worker even be assigned before april? Seriously? Housing? 

It would be a miracle. Simple as.

Do miracles happen?  I don't  know anymore.  Sometimes they seem to. but I feel pretty despondent. not eating doesn't help, of course.  Although the fast is helping in other ways by cleaning out all the gylphosate.  Well, or whatever.  But I"m convinced it's the glyphosate in the non-organic grains. Is why I am just as well refusing to let anyone feed me. I might wind  up sneezing.  While I can pay for them now, I haven't needed a pee pad in 3 days because I don't have coughing and sneezing fits that make me piss and that's also easing on my hernia which only gets bothered if I have to life something. So the bowel is running more smoothly too now. But because of the menu, it's mostly awful fluid at an awful time of the morning. The chips added some solids, LOL

I did discover someone to take the chihuahua if i need to rehome her and they can take my two fave houseplants too. The canary is still not   homed but a the petfood store could probably handle him. He's easy.

I don't want to die, funny enough.  I actually have things I want to do. Plans for the future, small as they are. I've worked on materials and plans and skills, and it seems such a tragedy to lose it all.  

But I can't do any of that from the street or screaming in a bug infested box of filth. I won't be anymore use than dead and much less likely to get out of this than I am now.  Just can't do it by myself and if help is not forthcoming, I admit defeat. 

what I cannot face is witnessing the loss of everything I ever loved.  All my pictures.  My souveniers and letters and writing and art and memories. Thee tools an dffurnishings and clothes I 've worked so hard to keep. All just hauled away on the back of a bully's truck, never to be seen again because I have nowhere to put itt without plates.

Nor will I bend my neck to Dan.

So, last minutre miracle is all there is left.

Next 50 years indeed, eh?a