No help for the crack filler people

If I was a kid, services. When I was a kid, services only for adults because parents were responsible. When they fixed that, I wss one year too old for services. Addiction? Services. Non-white? Services. Visibly handicapped to the degree that "ugly laws" would have affected you? Yep, services.  Got kids? Services. Me? Delay, deny, defend.   
    Dan and I have been talking about signing my bus over to him in March as the only  way to keep it on the road. It won't pass certification in BC and I can't relicense it in sk. 
I was starting to calm down, accepting that it would work and why was I so resistant?
Then tonight I was telling a woman with an emotionally abusive ex about how Dan used to boost me up then slam me down, emotionally, using rage and tantrums and witholding of "nice dan."
I went absolutely cold realizing I was about to sign myself back over to this person.  He's been on his best behaviour only because I own my bus and can drive away.  Now if he owns it, he can make the cops come get me and I can't say anything and he'll gaslight and lie his face off about me to them.
That's as bad as the street, just a slower burn.  I really have no reason to eat. I'm fasting every other day, day 4, and planning to cut off completely by new year's and now, dead serious.
I need to remember who my "caregiver" "friend" "supporter" really is.  He hasn't changed, just suppressed himself. 
I abused a suicide hotline operator for 20 minutes with my tale of woe. About how Dan's debt ensures I can't work for a wage.  About how he followed me here.  About how much time I spent failing to find supports over the years and here too. Eventually she faked a phone line interrupt and hung up on me and I guess, yeah, that's valid.  I wasn't swearing or putting it on her but i was stressed and emotional and had a LOT more I could have explained and it was all, well, my shitty life.  It's too much for ANYONE to hear. 
I don't stand a chance.

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