We unicorns are dying

Come get the unicorn magic while it lasts, I guess. You are entering a future of pastels and greys and blacks and reds. In all things you will express hate, not love, devotion, not fealty, anger, not peace, smug satisfaction, not joy. 

We are dying.

I want to die most fervently, more so than ever before. I do not feel any hope for anyone or anything. I do not believe in any of the spirituality stuff. I don't believe in love or anything. I do believe I will see only more sorrow and pain for the foreseeable future with no benefit or gain beyond sun on water.  

Yesterday was the first of every other day fasting. When the food runs out, it's free and keto or I no eato. Will I die from this? It's really hard to say. If there is anything but these meat bags battling for space, then I am unkillable. If there isn't, I can enhance the effort. If asked, I will state that I am on a hunger strike against poverty. What's more, now I can afford candles and bic lighters and wd40 and butane for the stove and kerosene for the lamp. I mean, you know, heat and light vs food. Turns out the latter is easier to ignore. 

I've researched the topic back in 2014 when I was so sick and tired and gave up for many days. Turns out, hunger strikers last many months. It's no acute crisis. 

Go on world, make me a miracle. I'm all out of unicorn dust and I'm just sitting around crying anymore.

I can't take watching the world, either. Whether it's people telling their story on tik tok or the people in the city around me, the problem is clear. We are all dying in a hell of pain and there's just a few ascending in comfort. They are not sharing and we can't have any of anything anymore. We can't have real employment either, that's even a joke. 

No housing. No employment. No healthy food. No medicine. (pharmacist told me none of my rx are fillable) no doctors, no bathing unless I gather and heat rainwater with propane.

It's so highly unlikely I can get a job now that my meds are cut off. Fasting works as well as the meds, so not eating stops the allergic activity. But it also makes me weak and stupid. 

Besides, my wages are forfeit, remember? I can't earn. I cannot see surviving the loss of my bus and I really do not think anyone would pass this bus just because of the homemade electrics. Which have worked flawlessly since 2018. Even if I moved it all into a storage lot for a week and brought in the empty bus, I don't think they'd do it, anyone anywhere in range.

This is the lost hopes.  

How do I navigate this new world without all that paperwork and references and backup money they demand? Without any money? I cannot eat and live on $600 a month even without shelter costs and I only have till march to live in this shelter. I cannot live in a smart car nor keep two chill prone dogs and a canary alive that way. I see no point in hanging on. What is there for me here but more tears? What has there been but moments between gales of tears? And those moments made lousy memories because they were false, over and over, and i just feel like a fool and a patsy now. 

So yeah, I feel like from the very beginning nobody wanted me around. My family called me the 5th wheel, not the spare tire, mind you, an unnecessary 5th wheel. Dad defined it one day to be sure I understood him. I was constantly told by the family, including brother and sister, that I was there on protest and they cared for me only because the law demanded it and I was there. When I started school I soon got the same response from the humans there. Go away is all anyone ever had to say, unless it was a sensitive adult who said "poor thing." 

It never got better. It was only good when I was paying to be there and could hold my own and fool myself that life would get better. brief good when I was working free, like and Hendry Hall, and could think about the work and camaradrie instead of myself and my life as caused by the ritual questions they ask when there is no work to do.

Funny, they ask you about yourself, then accuse you of self absorption. You asked!!! Would you do that to Alexa? Ask her a question then accuse her of sin for answering it?

So now I have finally fallen to the point I always knew I would but it's not possible now to live like that. I could have as a youth, build a shelter every night, dream of a better future while freezing and starving, tell myself it's character building and there's a future. But now? No. I'm on the wrong side of 50 by over 10 yrs and handicapped to boot. Nobody gives a shit about skills or talent, only exploitability or ego strokes. My tendonitis is back again. I mean, it hurts like fire, it really does, and just bending the involved part sets it off. Whether in my toes or my ankles, my knees or my hips, or my arms, or goddamn, everywhere. Tendons inflaming, muscles cramping, it never ends. then the bowels kick in with either hard cramping or severe bloating and nausea. All the worrying gives me migraines even weed can't block.

Fasting is a way of taking some power back, making something mine. I can decide not to eat. I can't decide about shelter or medicine or diet or where I can sit my ass down at any given moment or how I talk or dress, but I can decide not to eat. This I know how to do. This i have power over. This means I can afford the weed that helps me cope with everything. The worry, the emotions that won't stop displaying, ie the crying, the pain, the nausea, the hunger. 

It means I can afford fuel in the car to get to the laundromat I can now afford. I can buy batteries to run the cd player. I can buy candles and I think I said all this.

I mean, if i eat like I have been, I will be coughing all night and sneezing all day and twitching and cramping and heat flushing if I sit down. It's making me sick and now the meds that counter the sickness are withdrawn.

If i eat keto/organic, I don't need the meds. But that food is beyond my budget, so if I don't buy food, and refuse anything not organic, low fiber, keto, and free, well, I won't eat, will I? And if i decide going in that I will just fast, I won't feel so bad about not eating. But I also won't cough and sneezing myself all day and night.

Oh and my hernia is getting kind of scary in spots. Like dark blue areas that I worry are splitting incision or veins herniating alongside the rest. I am always having to put it back in place multiple times a day as it falls out when I stand and gets worse when I walk. coughing and sneezing makes it worse. The fits have never fully ended but the meds were making it 60% better. Fasting actually makes it 90% better, or fixed entirely. I remember when I could afford turkey and cheese and chicken and eggs and dairy and honey and maple syrup and raw cocoa butter and ground almonds and other goodly foods that suited my digestion and constitution. I was so healthy, in spite of the cancer, that I actually held it off another 5 years. It's why it never went metastatic, stage 4. It's why I survived at all. 

I'm gettting cold, need to stop typing and start a coffee. Today is an eating day.