The next 50 years

My friend served the papers to Dan today. It's so nerve wracking.  I haven't spoken with him since yet.  half an hour to go and I go in to brush Rene. But he is very likely not going to speak to me. Or will act like nothing. It's been so hard to do this mean thing.  Hard to be mean. Hard to navigate the red tape. Hard to spend the money. Hard on my nerves fighting Dan. He, for his part, is just squirreling it all away somewhere, not acting or responding. Then it gets hard not to be mean about it. The anger I feel. It's harder still living with him, and that's all his fault for being lazy and selfish. Then I feel capable of drawing those lines, doing the hard things. But I still want to be kind about it. Or at least not nasty.  Now that I gave him notice to vacate, I'll help by packing him. Carefully, and with lables. I'll do a good job, and I know how. By the end of October, he will have his toiletries in a bag on the shelf and nothing in anywhere. somewhere...

I hauled out the woodstove bits from the garage today.  There's the tiny stove, it's about 20#, and there's big slabs of granit, each is around 40-60lbs.  I hauled them mostly with a hand truck but lifted each myself into the bus. I was so shocked at how light they felt!  Yes of course it was a hernia popper, so that's too bad but in fact, the damn thing can't get much worse and I pop it back in after with massage and laying back. I can't possibly get strong if I have to follow restrictions on that anyway. I need to be strong again! Well that's just it, those stones felt so light!  I haven't been working out that much or hauling around that much but my kayak too feels light.  It's amazing.  Things feel about as light as they did when I was still fairly healthy. I'm discovering that my posture has been terrible because it's caused a pinched nerve in one arm. This is not harmful but quite uncomfortable, so it does get in the way. The solution i...

I'm finally starting to grok this concept that's been getting thrown hard at me from childhood. See, people tell me to stop daydreaming, be more present, learn to be in the now, be grounded, and a lot of other metaphorical terms that don't actually explain it. Then they get fed up with me because I'm not doing it. and I'm arguing that I don't understand. Which really didn't help me understand.  So I just did what I do with nonsense from others, filed it in ?  Now that's not a trash lable, that's a "revisit when possible" lable. Not that others would understand that either, they'd insist it's the same thing. But if it was, I wouldn't be revisiting it, would I? Well I'm noticing that when I can find a video good enough to keep me riveted, that means I spend the whole time, almost rooted in the present. And feeling ok. Because most of the minutes of a given day are ok.  The stress is more to do with anticipating or reliving tha...

You know that thing you do, listing off what you got done to someone else at the end of the day, and they do the same, and you both chew on the feeling of either satisfaction, or dissatisfaction, whatever? Yeah, well, I haven't anyone to talk to, remember? Well today was reasonabbly productive because I actually reinstalled the bulkhead foam insert between the cockpit and the rear storage.It's supposed to keep the rear dry but failed early. I think some dog must have pushed up against it too forcefully trying to fit. I vaguely remember putting a larger size than timmy back there.  While cleaning it, I noticed it was designed with one last attachment point for a washer and bolt system.  Well I just happened to find one eye bolt with nut, and dug out some good washers and installed a new eye bolt so I could lock it. Then I thought, heck, I need some wire cable in this eye bolt, let's see what I can find."  Well I found some cable with stainless steel marine fittings on e...

I thought I didn't have dysphoria. Not by the way media paints it, anyway. I never stood in the mirror hating what I saw. I never tried to mutilate my face or anything to make it more masculine. But see, all these stupid little "silly" things. I say silly because that's how other people described my feelings. I was silly about my genitals, female clothing, being nude, being touched or examined by anyone other than  a lover, and so much more I still don't understand. This was triggered by watching Nikki of Gone with the Wynns pickup a bra off the ground and tie it back in place on a bra fence in New Zealand. My revulsion towards bras came rising up and I realized it was notable. How could she just handled that thing? It's a bra!  LOL No, it's a bunch of fabric shaped to fit a woman's breasts, which has been out in the weather for years. But it fills me with disgust! The worst was those "flesh tone beige" undergarments. They looked the very col...

I took my bike to the street fair and had a lot of interactions with people, including reconnecting with my optician.  She's more of a friend really! But she isn't. I mean, it's always been in store interactions initiated by me, but she's always been kind and generous and pleasant with her time and stock and energy.  She shares back, so does her husband, too.  It wouldn't be too much to say friend, yet it's still kind of one dimensional, you know?  But it's good to have that, I should visit more. I do like them. I could sit and knit. Well so I also quite enjoyed bombing around. The spinners and weavers guild were abundantly represented and I confronted again my sense of never being able to catch up fast enough to start making some money so I can afford to keep up the hobby. To me, the free market is inarguably a competition and I never feel equal, much less superior, so I feel like I'll just feel rejected if I even try. Which has in fact happened more th...