a busy day
You know that thing you do, listing off what you got done to someone else at the end of the day, and they do the same, and you both chew on the feeling of either satisfaction, or dissatisfaction, whatever? Yeah, well, I haven't anyone to talk to, remember?
Well today was reasonabbly productive because I actually reinstalled the bulkhead foam insert between the cockpit and the rear storage.It's supposed to keep the rear dry but failed early. I think some dog must have pushed up against it too forcefully trying to fit. I vaguely remember putting a larger size than timmy back there. While cleaning it, I noticed it was designed with one last attachment point for a washer and bolt system. Well I just happened to find one eye bolt with nut, and dug out some good washers and installed a new eye bolt so I could lock it. Then I thought, heck, I need some wire cable in this eye bolt, let's see what I can find." Well I found some cable with stainless steel marine fittings on either end letting me put it on as a sturdy loop. Now I can attach it to a bike lock and lock my kayak up downtown or wherever.
I also cleaned up another small section of the bus, verifying that I don't have mice, although there was signs one had investigated me. Bhyt keeping clean, I'm pretty good at discouraging pests. I clean behind furniture. In fact, it's one reason my bus isn't built in. So I can clean to the walls if I wish. So I can empty it and use it to haul with. So I could move to a new place while living in it and just move my furniture into the new home. If I could find one. Maybe if I can pay off the current mortgage, I can reconsider selling and repurchasing elsewhere. But right now, it's all up in the air.
I filed my petition for divorce. When it comes back with a court number I have to coordinate with someone (I have a volunteer) to serve it to him. This is a source of great anxiety and impatience all at once. I want the ends of having my house back. I'm extremely anxious about the interim. I don't know how he'll respond and I'm imagining far too many scenarios!
I need to go back to beliving that you create what you imagine most frequently. Start imagining him behaving like I want. Just hard. At the very least it will reduce my anxiety, eh?
I'm finally figuring out what "grounding yourself" and "coming back to the present" actually mean, anyway. I suddenly realize that while I've been doing stress damage with a daymare, I've completely ignored everything around me. That if I stop to make notice of the sounds and sights around me, I can't hold on to the daymare. Which is good. It's not quite to the point where I notice I'm daymaring before I get too tense.
I've got a new problem. Neurogenic Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. I didn't bother with testing because the symptoms are spot on and so is the response to exercises. Howver, as usual, I resent the time spent doing exercises and rest vs stuff. So I push it to get stuff. Spinning has been made a terrible exercise, that's frustrating and I pray this is a short term problem But I must stop hunching with tension. Everything, my dental pain, my headaches, my belly aches, my back aches, my TOS, so much more I haven't labled, all caused by excess stress. This is not likely to heal with the removal of Dan, although I imagine it doing so.I mean, it might. I've been doing some math and if the govt is taking care of my medical costs that currently aren't covered, and I'm on disability assistance,my lifestyle won't change dramatically, it will ratherr become more predictable, regular, and manageable. If I do find ways to make income, I can make quite bit before losing coverage of my medical costs. I mean, who are we kidding, I'll never get a job with benefits. But I might be able to use creativity, enterprise, and the tools and materials I've collected to launch off welfare by spending the first year working very hard and focused without the stress and distraction of someone else's agenda. And being able to use my house freely on my own schedule. One of the reasons I spend the night in the bus is because I don't sleep solid and would be constantly waking up Dan in the house running the tv, walking and using lights, and back when I first started, moaning in pain on bad nights. Because i was already pretty well along in the cancer back then, but I just thought I was too fat to find a comfortable posture in any position. Nope, the tumour was weighing on me like a ripe melon. Well anyway, so I suffered a LOT of pain then and that was part of why I moved out. So I could sleep all morning when I finally fell asleep, and could sit up with the tv late at night. In winter I would have to either suffer claustrophobia in the loft or scrunch up on a love seat and be woken up when Dan got up. And of course, he got up EARLY. Nowadays he gets up late, leaves really late. It comes down to whatever is going to inconvenience me more.
I want him out so badly.
He got paid, I immediately dropped a chunk on the credit card and paid one of the bills ahead another month. He lost his mind and phoned me about "spending it all!" I said I paid some bills, and that I thought what I left ought to keep us by. Thing is, I am not sure he isn't holding back cheques or cash. But he's going into "oh work is slow now' mode and I know he's going to whine about being too broke to find a place. I'm going to have to make sure he's got a thousand at least by mid october or he won't go. But you see, my car needs service, I need some buffer on my visa. He's not going to pay for the service when the appointment comes in the middle of october. But I can use the visa if I can have enough credit free on it. I suppose I could apply for a raise in credit, maybe. Hmmm.
Another yes is that all the parts for the roof rack are made. I csn weld them together and paint them after I pick up the foot plates on Monday.Which cost me nearly $350. ouch. But they're critical. Once the rack beams are made, I can't install them till I can get the right bolts. This may not happen until spring. But I guess I can find a place to put them, I mean, they're going to live in the weather so if the paint is allowed to cure it shouldn't matter if they're left out in the weather.
Oh I also got the diesel heater fixed. See, it got really charred and sooty and quit working last spring. I disassembled it to clean it, intending to custom cut gaskets with a sharp blade. But couldn't find the material. What was once pretty standard hardware is now "huh? we use gasket maker." Which is a form of silicone caulk that doesn't do the trick. Welll, after it blew exhaust into the salon, I had to take it apart again and order the correct gasket kit. But oh my, getting it apart again with high temperature caulk gluing it down, in a cast alluminum well that can't be scratched....That took a week, and some expensive dissolver. I also found some more of the exhaust pipe and fastened it as an extension after the muffler so the pipe vents properly outside the body of the bus. I found it was seeping out the gas flap which means it was also finding any rust holes and floor gaps to come in and make me ill. I do notice rar less aroma when it runs than I used to. Well none, LOL It's more positively installed now. I really ought to stuff the cable hole with that silicone caulk. It's a possible point of entry for a rodent. although they'd have to jump to catch the cables and climb up in.
I:m stressing about how to handle the dogs while waiting for Dan to vacate. I don't trust him not to steal rene and I don't think he's fit for dog parenting on his own. He loses his temper, he gets neglectful, he spends long hours at work, he doesn't follow schedules, and he essentially needs someone supervising him to some degree to keep him in line. My plan is to try and just keep them with me 24/7 but that means leaving them in the car during my university classes. Which starts tuesday evening. It's a craft class, not for credit. and it's every tuesday.
Do I trust him not to steal the dogs? Nobody can tell me, not even him. Well he could, but he's not a sane human. or something. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what's wrong with Dan, he's just not worth it.
Well, ok. g'nite.Thanks for listening.