working through being here now

I'm finally starting to grok this concept that's been getting thrown hard at me from childhood. See, people tell me to stop daydreaming, be more present, learn to be in the now, be grounded, and a lot of other metaphorical terms that don't actually explain it. Then they get fed up with me because I'm not doing it. and I'm arguing that I don't understand. Which really didn't help me understand. 
So I just did what I do with nonsense from others, filed it in ?  Now that's not a trash lable, that's a "revisit when possible" lable. Not that others would understand that either, they'd insist it's the same thing. But if it was, I wouldn't be revisiting it, would I?
Well I'm noticing that when I can find a video good enough to keep me riveted, that means I spend the whole time, almost rooted in the present. And feeling ok. Because most of the minutes of a given day are ok.  The stress is more to do with anticipating or reliving than actually being in a moment of stress.
So relief comes from shutting down the mentation.  Which I finally have established is CPTSD dissassociation. I guess they name it that because of how it looks from the outside.  It's just such a misnomer. I haven't stopped associating with myself or my body nor even my surroundings THAT much. Or maybe I guess mentally I do.  I don't know. But it caused me great trouble having it so inaptly named.  And they always describe intrusive thoughts badly too. To listen, I thought I had to have actual strangers' voice in my heads telling me to do horrific things multiple times a day. Which I don't. 
But when you consider maybe it's me worrying about whether I will have to sell my bus in spring, when I'd rather be doing something more immediately productive, that's intrusive. Although I am going to stop production on my expensive roof rack. At this point I have the option to repurpose the materials for something else, but once welded and installed, they'll go with the bus if I sell it. I don't know I can afford to keep the bus. So yeah, that's a grey area.
But the point about all these ruminations is I over do it. I don't need to obsess on what if. I am really good at thinking on my feet and dealing with crisis at the point of the event. I don't need to think ahead and I rarely anticipate it correctly even when I do imagine fifty different scenarios. 
It stresses me out extra. Not that it's going to stop because of these ruminations, mind you. However, it's going to begin to stop, because I finally have enough understanding. I understand what has to stop and have a really good reason why to motivate me.
People don't get it, you can't motivate yourself to achieve anything if you don't know a good reason to do it other than "they said so."  You can't just throw it at someone "you should do this because I think it's a good idea."  They need to know what's good about it from THEIR perspective, eh?

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