rejection list

 I've been meaning to list the reasons for rejection that I have experienced.  Because I often get warned by people, or even ask outright if the opportunity allows.  Not any more, mind you, it got tiresome.  I no longer see the point.

But yeah, people communicate what they feel about you, they do.

Reasons for rejection:

Immoral  This comes from being queer and being a marijuana smoker and being open minded. I do not object to gays or kinksters, I am transgender and whether I told you or not, it likely leaked out. I don't object to polyamory, I profess to being bisexual, and etc.  Immoral.  So that rules out all the religious people and almost all the parents.

I'm a "partier."  I used to be a night owl, I went to sleep around 4 am, sometimes stayed up till 6am, and slept till noon or even two.  I spent my nights writing, painting, crafting, renovating my place, or reading a damn good book. But the prevailing opinion is that if you're not up at 7am like everyone else, you are probably evil. or definitely.

I'm a "drug user."  I smoke marijuana. I've had periods of over a decade where I didn't, but nevermind, I did at age 16, and periodically since, and now since the cancer I smoke daily without shame. It helps that the stuff is legal, but it's still a black mark against me. Rule out all the straights people.

Have I covered queer?  Well, being trans. I think it should come separate from morally bankrupt.  I'm a crazy pervert who can't tell the difference between male and female!!!  Yeah, that one is pretty straight forward transphobia and it underlies a bazillion rejection excuses. From objections to my not femme enough personality to questions about my intentions, like thinking if I'm hanging with men I'm sex crazed or power mad. I also was pretty sexy and femme up till the cancer made me fat. So women were jealous, men were horny, and nobody could think of me outside that paradigm.

I'm smart.  Yeah. Intelligent. High IQ.  Nothing about that is acceptable in a socially low person, much less a female one. Until recently, everyone just saw an uppity girl trying to be the center of attention. I'm sitting there watching them stumble around without the answer I know, and if I volunteer it, I won't be heard, I'll be shut out. If I don't, I get incredibly frustrated watching them stumble.  

I'm self confident.  I really do think well of myself. Not in the sense of deserving more than others, but in the sense of thinking I have value and something to contribute, and trying to show that and offer it. How rude!  I'm supposed to go open my legs to a man, shut up and bear his babies and make his sandwiches!  I think if I had been read male, this problem wouldn't exist.

Non conformist. Oh now this one is the worst.  I don't read the room. I don't pick out the leader. I don't copy other people.  I am frankly incapable. I didn't even know this happens till I read about it last winter! it's the ineffable something that turns everyone off, and triggers the leaders to pull out all the narcissistic stops and have me removed. by any means necessary.  Completely.  Like chase me out of town if possible. I've actually got a whole family who like to "reach out and touch" me whenever possible.  The bitch mother took a dislike to me back in the mid eighties and lives in the same neighborhood as I.  She raised her kids, and now her grandkids, to know my name, my face, and my house, and they routinely used to throw things at me. Finally, the grandkids are too old to give a damn and I have peace.  She herself is probably dead of cancer. She smoked like a chimney stack and her health was always marginal.  Plus she was negativity incarnate.

I'm poor. this means I need too much, might be dishonest (poverty makes one bend the rules) and likely also suffer from other character flaws like laziness, self entitlement, lack of self awareness. Because if I wasn't flawed, I'd be employed, ergo, I'm flawed.

I dress funny. Well, actually, this is deliberate, a way of fending off all the people who are going to dis me for being weird. the conformists can see me coming and dismiss me before wasting my time. Plus the clothes make me smile.

Some of the above I could maybe hide.  If I wasn't too autistic for that. I can't pretend, dissemble, hide my character, nor respect anyone who required it. 

I'm really fed up trying to please people. I truly believe that fixing this is outside my powers. that it comes from without, and only keeping alone has ever given me peace. 

Now, that's fine enough, I guess, putting aside the many ways I suffer for lack of assistance and validation. but you see, it's not enough for these judgy mcjudgersons, they need to motivate me more, so I try hard enough to become what they think I should. How to motivate?  Punishment of course!  First you try neglect and withdrawal of resources.  No job, no invites, no donating in time of need. Nope, subject is still pretending to be a special snowflake, in spite of not being pale, wraith thin, or wheelchair bound.  Ok, then, punishment. We'll verbally abuse him when possible.  We'll take his things, vandalize his property, go twice as harsh if he steps out of line, make up exaggerated gossip and act on it as though it were true.  Like telling the city I live in my bus because I like camping in my yard all summer. Or creating a break-in and theft situation that looks like I did it and then letting suspicion take the wheel. Oh the many nasty little things people can do if you won't vanish from existence.  Well, you know, humans are so very inventive. It isn't good for me to relive it just to recount it.

Ok.  So then there's the whiney negative part. Like if I were to say all this to someone. when I try and tell my story there's just so much heavy in it. I don't know how to talk about myself and neither brag, nor whine, sincerely, and without going off into any long lectures of thought trains. Like when I get onto my spiritual visions, philosophy, or whatever all that is. the desire to teach. I guess we could call this "mental health."  It is, partly. It's partly just that I don't have shit to talk about myself that isn't tarred with a black spot.  Here's where group therapy could theoretically help as the group could do practice with me so I could learn to edit my stories and talk past those black spots.  In practice, however, even the therapist gangs up on me and they all just start insulting and emotionally abusing me because I got on their nerves. Doctors and therapists also find me intolerable.

And then there's that. What the hell am I doing all that work FOR? They aren't going to be there when I need them because I am not allowed to tell them, because that's too negative. And they never have been, even with all the many times I've given time, energy and resources for others.  Need I tell you the many ways? Again, they all come with a black spot of rejection because, it turns out, when you're this hateable, you're only allowed to do nice things for abusive user type people. They take advantage then leave me high and dry, because like everyone else, they do not value me.

I do not believe my base character is awful. I think of myself as basically cheerful, looking for the good in all things, hopeful in spite of failure, inventive, creative, ingenious, really, with a good eye for beauty.  I consider myself empathic and compassionate, generous and hard working. I like things clean and tidy. I am honest to a fault. I can lie, and well, but I can't respect someone to whom I have to lie. If I cannot honestly tell you my truth, then I cannot respect you. I believe thqt I can tell my truth because I always think about my actions and choose them for altruistic reasons, so then if you let me tell you why I did a, b, c, you'll understand my point of view and we'll come to a consensus on whatever issue has us chatting. In practice, however, others listen for key phrases, thus getting them out of context as they only heard the one phrase, and then they judge.

examples of key phrases that mean "subject is a vile disgusting mess of a human that needs to be cleaned up" include anything with "everybody" in the phrase, like "everybody hates me" for a prime example.  "it's not my fault" is another one they listen for. Also "I'm telling the truth" in any version of phrasing.  In short, anything you might say in your defense can and will be used against you. So for people like that, I've learned to volunteer carefully, and maybe not at all.

Of course I am also not allowed to feel good about myself, re that punishment and compliance nonsense from above. So having a high opinion of myself in any way clearly indicates malfeasance, eh?

This is a list of my grievances, nothing more. Not for solutions.  I'm working on solutions.  Including getting a wider reach so I can escape this neighborhood with such a high concentration of  dysfunctional people.  I'm working on changing my apparent gender so people won't judge me for the gender I don't fit. I'm learning to spend a lot of time alone so I won't word vomit when I run into people, for having learned not to need to tell anyone anything.

I always think, in the moment, that other people are able to help me in some way. 

Yes, that's something insightful there. I DO think of people as resources, not value in and of themselves. I get nothing out of the mere existence of others. I need something from them.

Maye they're also picking up on that and thinking I'm not going to honor the relationship, that I won't be loyal and generous and supportive for my own part. 

But am I wrong?  I remember that life skills course where they explained the roles people play in each others' lives. Mentor, playmate, lover, nurturer, comic, needy person, etc.  Sure sounds like people value each other for what they give and get, not merely because we're all so damn wonderful. Like pretty baubles in a tree. Well some folks are there for decorative effect. Pretty, or talented, they make music, or art, or swan about looking fantastic. Others offer their strength (I used to fill that role when I could) or special skills (I still want to offer that role but it comes with too much ego bait to allow a reject in) or they offer good advice in life, finances. Or they have abilities that others need, like the one who can organize, or the one who has good ideas, or a healer.

Well I have a lot of that to offer and I'm confident it's good.  I can say a lot of internal gaslighting has gone on about that.  Due to the lack of validation from others I spend a lot of time wondering if I'm delusional and is this what it feels like?  Wanting the direct to switch to camera two and show me what the world is seeing, instead of what I see.  I've learned that asking others is just rolling out the red carpet to abusers.

I resent that I even give a damn. I give my best as far as I know and that's all anyone else has to give, so why isn't it enough coming from me?

Anger isn't attractive either.  Ok, I've successfully upset myself, must be done, eh?

I just feel so frustrated at the lack of resolution.