gratitudes

Gratitudes

OooweeEE! Have Idodged a bullet staying put. The seemingly cute little alley off the side with the tap and the outlets has become a toxic little kingdom very quickly.
I saw it so fast. That guy pushes his belly and his bellow quite readily. he is horrifically loud 2 blocks away here.
Was it Squat warning me, that instinctive "don't do it" to which I habitually listen? Instinct, a goddess, name it as you like, I think I shall give thanks to the most lovely and admirable Squat, goddess of parking. Because it's about parking. From day one I have felt unwilling to park even on the edge of the ICBC building. At first I assumed it was open and actively calling the city, but in time it just felt unwise."Wait, wait, wait and learn, you're safe now, sit still and be worthy of respect in what you do."
And so I did, and now, it's beginning. Regulars are being human towards me and I'm dodging that shouty man and the trauma it clearly induces in my child soul. I don't want to remember why the heck I am so intimidated by adult temper tantrums but I am sure there was something to do with my mother's wooden spoon and my father's fistfuls of hair. The place has gone downhill a bit. I do not know how to work with someone like that, it's my achilles heel, I suppose. I wish I could, but I also wish I was a good salesman. Hehe
Remember, follow that little voice. find it, hear it, learn to recognize it from fear or anxiety or intrusive thoughts stupidity. The little voice can suggest courage as much as caution, and it's always something that's about your well being and security. It's the feeling that you should check ouit a different street on the walk home tonight. It's the sense that you should stop doing something or refrain from it or go do something else. It feels so right once you express it to yourself. the hardest part is learning to hear it, the second is having the self displicine to obey yourself when you decide to follow it.
So I did warn one or two of the people nearby but how well they understood is unknown.
Tomorrow afternoon I volunteer for a theatre company. I am so excited.Nervous too of course. trying to bump myself up to remember to sell my skills.  
I know I'm ripe for it. I know this. I know the skills I have, the knowlege, the experience, and the education I have.I need to remember that I am an apprentice, but also that I am well skilled and understand a lot. i am an asset and all I ask is participation soI can share my skills and build community. I cannot say where time take me,only that I know this feels right. You know? 
Sleep will be challenging and I must set an alarm to ensure enough time to be calm. I have been sleeping till noon lately. Normal for my pre-cancer life, but not what I want tomorrow. As I think back on my social life, it's mostly been involved in theatre. My joining of the clown theatre that led to saskatoon community until my health faltered. By which time I had the job in persephone that made me sick. Throught theatre connections. Same in school. I liked the set construction the most, but always had trouble because of misogyny and my presentation. Let's see how it goes.
Perspehone really torpedoed my dreams in set construction. I even took a class in university and the instructor always recognized me at work and even since in the community. Would he now? Let's not worry about it, LOL, at leat it's another name I can honestly drop, since I took his course in university.
I'm no bum, you know? I work even when there's no money in it. If I'm at a loss for anything else, I clean.
I love being too busy for that. hehehe
I have been fetching baths from the tap using every large enough vessel. last timethey had a whole electric octopus strung out on the lawn stealing power for 3 separate RVs. The cheek. One fellow, the smart guy in the area, helped me carry the water instead if using a splashy hand truck. 
Nonetheless, they really are playing FAAFO with the spot. I hope mine stays quietly ignored because I am inoffensive. People have commented on the decoration. I have flowers, lace, paintings, nice paint job, old school shape charm, character but in a cute way. 
Oh also there is a queer 55+ monday drop in I want to try out. I could use some qurer support now that I "earned it" via transition. Makr no mistake, you have to be in the lifestyle somehow. Bi cis gender people in love with an opposite cisgender, for instance, have not been welcome. Not in my experience. Claiming trans identity did not help.
Transition ought to do it.
Ok, ttyl

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