Feeling less freaked out

In addition to visting the disability advocate this week I got an appointment at the job office.  

So the disability thing, they cannot appeal the current one because it's too badly written. It's a 16wk waiting list, so late november. Which is about when the meds run out. The ostomy stuff looks to be covered by the person's with multiple barrier designation for which I do qualify.

Now here's an interesting thing, the job's place offers counselling. Ordinarily you get 10 hrs/mth, but as PWMB I get more, she wasn't sure how much but implied it was at least double if not unlimited.

Unlimited would be excessive, but like 3 times a week for 90mins would probably be really useful.

They can do full psych assessments, full physical abilities tests, just a lot of useful metrics and that creates a paper trail for my disability claim. Even if they do get me employed I still need that for a higher support level in general. It's a lot more than just money or employability and I am not in any way against working. I just never could get with the jobs I was allowed as a girl. They all sucked and I got hella depressed. I just couldn't do this stupid simp in a corporate dress BS. I couldn't afford the clothes or the time either. I didn't have the home or friend support then either.

So yeah, they also can recommend and pay for job skills training if someone seems suited enough to get work. 

One thing I still need to address is the tax law issue. It's ugly, and I don't know how it could be fixed.  

But I do know a rich man would find a way. It would not include simply paying the bill, either. Probably might need to move money around or something but usually it involves a clever loophole his tax lawyer knows. Right? So there has to be a way to stop them taking too much of my wage.

Ok, so if I"m allowed up to 1300 take home before my base income is cut, that means up to 1900 or around 2k to live on, which btw is enough to get the bus fixed in time.

However, if the cra takes it all, back to why work? Now of that 2k, if they took 25% instead, like say $300, I could better be incentivized to keep working. If i ever work above the poverty LICO then they could up the percentage taken on top of the tax payments. All this would take a saavy person to work out and as long as I'm not earning steady, then I can't make any promises. If I can save the bus, then I can hold off longer before I need to find housing or else. I wouldn't say no to parking with power and water and nearby amenities but that's impossible as far as I can tell. Mind you, maybe that little trailer park has a spot for a bus in the back, or maybe the RV park has reserved spots for lucky seniors, paid by the govt. I'm tidy enough. 

Well the job center made me feel more hopeful and it's very close by and I can plug in my laptop and get some important work done with moving files to hard drives and stuff, and if I need internet I can connect to the wifi. Possibly ethernet, that'd be amusing. Must bring a cable and find out what the router does. if it's not set up well enough, the router will give me direct access to the internet, no filters or logins.

If that's the case, I can quietly enjoy a small windowed youtube while I work, with headphones. Do I have any? Well they're only open weekdays, banking hours.  

I have some other places to call, but it waits for next week, when I also have another appt at the work place for the next phase or something. Honestly I didn't keep strict track of the steps because that's her job, and it was more a listing of things to make sure nothing was uncomfortable for me, I would say.

I felt pretty optimistic, although it still seems impossible to employ me. But hell, yeah, I want to be part of society. I want to go sit at a cafe or attend an event or go see the top grouse mountain some time. I want to feel proud.

In other news, the ruination of my fave cardigan at that crappy laundromat has me finally completing the alpaca sweater I was making. The top is being done freeform and may look absurd or good and we'll just have to see. It's a chore, though. 

Also, the damn solar is failing. It honestly will not work on a cloudy day and modern panels certainly do. So that means my panels are not going to suffice after all. In saskatchewan we get a lot more sunny days. Already I can't even run a light or my phone off it anymore. I love the rain, so the panels will need upgrades. Eventually.

Dan's been working as a handyman and saving money for my brakes for me. I'm not allowed to have money, because I'm supposed to declare it. So he gets me food and fuel and water and is saving for my mechanical work.

How do I feel about that?

Mixed. It's unethical in a lot of ways. But in the sense of alimony. In the sense of reparation, it's fair.

I also know when the time comes, it's to me he'll turn. No question it'll be me, his ability to make friends just isn't that strong. He's feeling really cozy with his two employers but they're just two people enjoying on demand half price service. Dan has no idea what handymen charge for on call work and I'm sure it's double what he's getting.  

He's happy, they're happy, he's building himself up. he likely will live in that van unless and until he is injured orsick and can't. Or if something happens to it that he can't repair. So he will find free accommodations and the van itself costs but $100/mth to keep plates on it and the trailer. Spent once a year, too. So honestly it's practically living free. Free food is all he's needing, and bike parts. Free bike parts too, LOL I bet he could get a free bottom bracket right quick if he asked around but I fear someone might lose the use of their ride. 

Anyway, because he's biking he has no fuel costs. He uses no smokes or drinks and eats frugally. Wears clothes out and does repairs too. Can't live much cheaper. He's cheaper than me for sure. 

I guess that's the thing with the whole debt, how it was me doing the shopping over and over, and that absolves him of responsibility.  

I don't think so. If it was only the shopping debt, besides, it wouldn't be as devastating. The mortgage is likely to wipe itself out on the house repossession. I think it works that way. So really it was one 20k credit card. what breaks me is that tax debt. He engineered things all along the way with badgering and self interest. I don't know if the accountant had him trying to prove his manliness or he really was convinced the incorporation would cut taxes but from where I sit, it increased them tenfold and made them far too complicated. Then when he refused to do any paper work at all. No mileage log. No receipts. Charging GST but never setting it aside. Like yes, he charged the customer GST but then just threw it into the house hold operating budget. Was I supposed to be a bookkeeper? I certainly tried for a couple of years. But between my failing eyesight, his filthy receipt keeping, my math aphasia, and the fact that there was never quite enough money to pay the bills to consider setting any aside, we just kept going. We tried hiring an accountant. I thought they could help me set aside money to stay out of trouble but they couldn't. See, income varied from $500 one month to $5000 another, all over the place with no average or predictability. I tried to see a seasonal pattern or a relationship pattern. Like if he was controlling cash and letting some out at times.  

But by then I was getting pretty sick. I just didn't have the energy. I was still doing all the work at home because he stayed at work such long hours and never took time off. Just me at home doing everything alone like ever, but now with enough money to buy the basics so I could do things. I could buy some garden plants, or landscaping materials. That sort of thing.

I started saving up for the bus way back in the early days, like 3 yrs into the marriage, I would chuck a few bucks into a safe place and keep quiet. By 2017 I had 5k and with this I bought and started the bus project.

I had no idea how important it really was. 

Ok, it's tres late and I missed my meds, which i am taking halfs now to extend it as I still haven't got coverage solved. Maybe I can stop taking it anyway. Tye testosterone Inwant toncontinue but for now trying ine a konth instead of twice. No endocrinologist to scold me, anyway. I hated both of them. They both seemed to have a bad opinion of me for transitoning. Nothing said or done, just tha t feeling, you know. Pursed lips, lean back lightly, nose lightly raised. Its subtle but demeaning. The surgeon who did my chest, same.

Right, bedtime looms.