she wanted to do a gift exchange for christmas wtih me.

 I think I'm there, you know. 

I really do think that I've found a way to fill my time and my life without people in it. Happy alone. 

It's funny, I kept thinking I had to fill my life with experiences to help me in times when I'm old and stuck.  I'm old and stuck but mostly just want to forget my past entirely. So much of it tainted with unhappy moments, tiny traumas, if you will, that I can't really enjoy my memories like I thought I would. It becomes a mining expedition for evidence of bullying far too often. "No, wait, she wasn't, yes, that's what, oh for crying out loud, why'd they do THAT to me?"  You start out reminiscing on a waterfall and end up crying for yet another new realization that just hurts.  you didn't have the perspective then that you have now, so the betrayals were invisible.  Sometimes that was the way they rationalized their behaviour, like the disney trip.  Not only family for me, though, I seem to rub every bully the wrong way on sight.  Anyone who's ever called someone annoying finds me annoying. Hence my social reluctance these days. I'm just too tired of the endless battling.  I've seen society get nice before, it was all just a switch to passive aggressive tactics for a while.

ok, so yeah, I really don't want to be friends with anyone anymore. I just don't know how to explain it to people on facebook when pressed. Perhaps I don't have to, there are so many excellent reasons to keep enough distance to leave it alone. 

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