anger and cancer and fear
"Research studies show that there are three social skills that create happy marriages: problem solving, emotional distress regulation and conflict management. Expression of positive words, maintaining a pleasant attitudes and the avoidance of conflict and negativity are other major skills in creating happy unions."
http://www.angriesout.com/family2.htm
So I am genuinely worried I've got cancer now. Certainly if this pattern of raging till he gets me fighting with him doesn't stop I will have cancer.
I'm more scared of leaving my dog and parrot without my care than of dying. Dying is a nice solution for me personally. But I love my dog so much and he'd wither in Dan's care, like I have. And you know Dan wouldn't notice till the dog died.
I did some research on Alzheimers to see if that's what's going on with the rampant paranoia and rage fits but was relieved to see he just hasn't got enough of the other symptoms. He DOES fit the pattern for alcholism induced brain damage, though. But if anything, his increase in stupidity is a stress effect the way my bowel disease is. I mean, it's not unstressful for him either, is it?
I wonder some times how he can float above all that anger like he does.
i almost have enough money for a decent bus, but I think I want a trailer instead of trying to fit the car onto the back of the bus. So I need enough for that too. I'll have to poke around and see what snowmobile trailers go for. I'm certain my car will fit fine on such a trailer. It's a smart car. Short as a motorcycle or snow mobile. Narrower than other cars, too.
I've almost got back to my young adult weight and I fear I may get down to that starvation weight I once had before all is said and done. I'm okay with the weight loss but only so far. I'm not eating anywhere near as much as maintenance level, preferring hunger to nausea and toilet runs.
It was getting better yesterday. Dan was decent for a couple of days and I had begun to recover. Then he came home and started throwing me shit for the next four hours and blaming it on me. He does it till he gets me mad, then points out that moment as the start of it all. I was able to beat him at that game last night because his first rant, almost forgotten in the hullabaloo, was unwarranted and patently obvious rudeness. He just cut me off before I even got going on the stuff I was telling him and started another "opinion" rage about how things ought to be. he thinks those moments of rage inspired opinionizing is somehow brilliant insight to be polished and cherished for the ages.
It's just nasty old man bitching is what it is and even just recalling it now is twisting my poor ravaged belly.
I tried to make butter tarts last night. Well, butter tart-like treats. I had marzipan for the crusts and stewed dates for the filling and poured chocolate for the top. I did not have muffin pans. Nope. Not any and I would have needed quite a few. So I tried making bars but the filling is too runny for that. Now I have to figure out how to turn it into a sort of chunky date pudding with marzipan dumpling bits and chocolate crackled through. IOW, mix it up just right and figure out what to serve it in for the treat tins I want to make.
I'm not sure I will get those tins filled at this rate. I"m running out of ingredients and just too damn sick day after day to plan trips.
I just remembered two phone calls I have to make so enough with this blog today.
http://www.angriesout.com/family2.htm
So I am genuinely worried I've got cancer now. Certainly if this pattern of raging till he gets me fighting with him doesn't stop I will have cancer.
I'm more scared of leaving my dog and parrot without my care than of dying. Dying is a nice solution for me personally. But I love my dog so much and he'd wither in Dan's care, like I have. And you know Dan wouldn't notice till the dog died.
I did some research on Alzheimers to see if that's what's going on with the rampant paranoia and rage fits but was relieved to see he just hasn't got enough of the other symptoms. He DOES fit the pattern for alcholism induced brain damage, though. But if anything, his increase in stupidity is a stress effect the way my bowel disease is. I mean, it's not unstressful for him either, is it?
I wonder some times how he can float above all that anger like he does.
i almost have enough money for a decent bus, but I think I want a trailer instead of trying to fit the car onto the back of the bus. So I need enough for that too. I'll have to poke around and see what snowmobile trailers go for. I'm certain my car will fit fine on such a trailer. It's a smart car. Short as a motorcycle or snow mobile. Narrower than other cars, too.
I've almost got back to my young adult weight and I fear I may get down to that starvation weight I once had before all is said and done. I'm okay with the weight loss but only so far. I'm not eating anywhere near as much as maintenance level, preferring hunger to nausea and toilet runs.
It was getting better yesterday. Dan was decent for a couple of days and I had begun to recover. Then he came home and started throwing me shit for the next four hours and blaming it on me. He does it till he gets me mad, then points out that moment as the start of it all. I was able to beat him at that game last night because his first rant, almost forgotten in the hullabaloo, was unwarranted and patently obvious rudeness. He just cut me off before I even got going on the stuff I was telling him and started another "opinion" rage about how things ought to be. he thinks those moments of rage inspired opinionizing is somehow brilliant insight to be polished and cherished for the ages.
It's just nasty old man bitching is what it is and even just recalling it now is twisting my poor ravaged belly.
I tried to make butter tarts last night. Well, butter tart-like treats. I had marzipan for the crusts and stewed dates for the filling and poured chocolate for the top. I did not have muffin pans. Nope. Not any and I would have needed quite a few. So I tried making bars but the filling is too runny for that. Now I have to figure out how to turn it into a sort of chunky date pudding with marzipan dumpling bits and chocolate crackled through. IOW, mix it up just right and figure out what to serve it in for the treat tins I want to make.
I'm not sure I will get those tins filled at this rate. I"m running out of ingredients and just too damn sick day after day to plan trips.
I just remembered two phone calls I have to make so enough with this blog today.