yeah I do feel crazy

Thank god for this blog.  Where the hell else could I get into this?  I was wishing I had a therapist today, but making the phone calls to try and find one, then meeting multiple people as we're dating for a relationship, assuming I have choices?  Nope. I ain't gonna do it. You can't make me!
Ok well, so the thing I want to ask a therapist is, how do I figure out if I'm a passive aggressive covert narcissist, is that even a real thing, and if I am, what do I do about it?  I don't want to be. I'm so tired of everyong pushing me away. I want to be at least tolerable.

pasting:

• Sensitivity to criticism
• Passive aggression
• Self-criticism
• Shyness
• Fantasies
• Other mental health issues
• Long-held grudges
• Envy
• Feelings of inadequacy
• False empathy
• 
  

Yeah, so that's cool, they're clickable.  Ok, I know I am hypersensitive to criticism. I know why too, I think anyone would be, because it's always been part of a life time of peer abuse and family abuse.  Let's not forget, whoever I am, I have definitely been broken by long abuse from family, peers, strangers and friends.  In fact, many of them I see would fit the covert narc definition.

But you see, I've done or been accused of doing almost all of those things. When I don't percieve that I've been doing something, like I don't witness myself making passive aggressive plans or actions. Ever. I can't recall ever giving myself permission to do that, yet I've been accused of it multiple times. 

Same goes with the fantasies and false empathy. 

So from the OUTSIDE I must appear to have these qualities.  

I'll own to whining, to feeling hard done by, to feeling victim, to feeling "special" and "undervalued" and "unappreciated."  I'll own to jealousy, but not envy, if that makes sense.  It's not "I deserve it more than them" but "why do they deserve it and I don't." But maybe that's the same thing?  Just being unhappy that I don't have stuff others have is a mental illness?  It really seems rigged, frankly. 

I feel like I've been kept down by a succession of strangers. I walk into an office (it's always in an office) to try and negotiate something, be it a job, a contract, a sale or social services) and I'm inevitably going to bump into the local narcissist. There is always one. They are everywhere.  Everywhere.   Part of the human condition. And they hate me on sight every time. And they go after me.

And now I'm gaslighting myself because of all the gaslighting these people have used. It's the go-to first sally, actually, to cast aspersions on the quality of your character in some fashion and establish an understanding that truth is their province, not yours.

you may not complain.

You may not be assertive or try to stand up for yourself.

You will be told to stand up for yourself but severely punished if you do.

Others will align with the narc because they have the power and the seniority.

grudges.  Well not really grudges.  More like aversions. Long long ones. But they probably LOOK like grudges.

Ok.

I'm NOT a narcissist.  I'm not. I look like one on the outside. I fit the description like "quacks like a duck." and that's a problem for me.  It's an answer too. It's WHY nice people fuck off if I get to comfy with them. They see that in me. And I guess I'm wearisome. that's the one i've been battling all along. 

Just when I thought I was getting enough of a life to not be constantly terrified of homelessness, unable to participate, and always wanting for the basics, I was going to socialize. I was going to be able to have positive things to talk about and be able to pay the bill sometimes and goddamn participate.  yeah. And the stress of Mr. who is a total asshole and the shame of the nasty fights and the constant mental state fucked that up.  Now instead of complaining about poverty I'm complaining about last night's fight.  Fights all day or poverty.  yeah. "how about get a job" was always the last word the world had to say. Even when they knew me well enough to know why I wasn't working they still landed there.  I fucking wish I could. I always wanted to.

Again, you can see how I look to others.

I don't think i can fix it. I have even worse stories now. "what have you been doing the last decade?" "fighting mental illness, cancer and an abusive spouse, and the canada revenue agency and creditors.  How about you?"  I mean really?  I try and talk about my bus and my crafts. Then I'm going on and on about how great I am and me me me me me.  How the fuck do I talk about anything else?   I don't have a right to talk about other people. you aren't talking at all except to prod me with questions. If I talk about movies, it's movies I've seen, me. Books?  books I've read and what I thought about them. me. What topic is there that isn't me, and isn't boring lectures about topics and isn't about other people?  I mean come on! 

What I really want to do, and convince myuself to do, is go into hermitage somehow. But how? How do I do that? Where do I park this meatbag for the next fifty two years if I were to stop interacting with others? How would I access food? Care for my dependant pets? Shelter? You can't exist without money and I do not have any. Now I could accept the idea of a bedsit in some rundown slum but come on, that's not going to give me comfort. Mold and dangerous noisy intrusive neighbors is not "hermitage."
Well, asshole is back early from work.