teeter tottering like our 21st century jetstream

A woman in New Westminster saw me on tik tok and set up a fundraiser. It has done moderately well but not life changing. Basically, a bit of funds to loosen up my options, but not really enough to do much.
I also got a drip from my mother's estate, now held entirely by my sister in complete secrecy and if I don't like it, I can pay a lawyer in ontario to inquire. 
I am not clear the amounts nor do I think I should detail that stuff here but if I rack up 5k between the two sources it will be surprising. 
I did purchase another laptop. The first is for general writing and file management, back up the phone, etc. It does not go online, and i can write on it, and it has great battery life. Can also watch movies on it. 
This new one is strong enough to do 3d CAD for printing and also let me tour the hermitcraft world. Which honestly was all I gave a damn about. It feels so criminal to have spent the money on a "toy" instead of anything else. I don't regret it, and I am studying blender and going to make it worthwhile enough when I can CAD again. But I need housing, oh how badly.
I am in the intake process for a local group who will help me sort out what I need to get housed. It's slow and the bike rides there aren't suiting my body right now. Not sure if I have an iron deficiency or something more sinister is going on with my stamina but it's cooked.
My bus needs a brake boost motor gasket change, wheel cylinder change, and now, a belt is shot. Not even talking about the fuxored manifolds. Sure, I have the replacements, but who's going to DO the work? Not me out here on the street, sir. The ebooster, yeah, Dan can help me with that.
which is the point that drove me in here to write.
See, it's conflicted. I do not want to be married to or living with or under the power of this person, but I do feel loyal to him for the constancy of his help through this whole time. So while Glennys decides to act the bitch by trying to make me appreciate and love him or some bullshit, I am not the person she is implying. any more than he is the person she is imagining him to be.
Glennys? A woman at the theatre whom I very nearly befriended and I really wanted to. She was being super likeable. Then at the hospital while I was there putting in time with trauma to show her social support, she comes out with sympathy for Dan and not while I was bitching about anything. Just out of context entirely. I was stunned. It took me days to unravel my reaction because it had never occurred to me to worry about one wee little red flag before and I've been gaslighted so hard it felt wrong to do so. 
Yet she's done it again. Opened conversation from her end regarding me applying to the place wherein I'm going through intake. I responded with thanks. she brings up asking about Dan as "your partner." WTF becka? I froze her out immediately and just swore at the walls for awhile. I WANT to like her but clearly she doesn't want that. If she likes, I'm happy to introduce her to Dan and she can show him all the affection she thinks he needs. He's a good looking fellow and he likes his ladies square. Same age range too. Go ahead, exploit each other. 
But maybe after I'm housed and able to fend for myself again. LOL
Anyway, all this that I'm doing I will be able to help him do when the inevitable need finally comes up. We certainly know it will. 
So there is nobody willing of whom I know, to do work on this bus. If Dan can't, and I can't get out in time, I'm going to be crying real hard. Cold is coming still. No engine, no heater. It could break tonight. It's fucking shot.
Yeah, my heart is still heavy. My soul feels invisible and ethereal at best. I feel bereft of connection and resources generally, but some people are reaching out to show me some love all the same. which again, feels like I havent earned it or something. 
fuck you, Mother. You should have hired a fucking lawyer to do your will, not that lying bitch daughter you whelped.
I bet there was enough if split evenly for all of us to get indoors and keep fed but someone just can't stand the idea of not having pocket change anynore. sa

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