An unspoken letter to my sister

Are you expecting some expression of outage? Some communication of anger? Perhaps a long sob story of need? Maybe you have waited our whole lives for me to give you an excuse to speak foully at me without inhibition? 
Well I have not waited at all. I simply never did it with you in the room. I do indeed spit fire and ice and fury in your name, but not when you are there. I do it to your ghost, as it were. Soul to soul, perhaps? I wouldn't really know. What I do know is that you've been hateful since I was born. I remember it all, in it's own hazy confusing way. The gaslighting made it so hard to understand what was going on. You spoke one script while acting another and I had no idea why. I tried so hard to be that sibling to you but you rejected every single advance I ever made, didn't you? You never initiated, and were always short and curt with me when I tried. I remember. This never ended, not even in adulthood. You never reached out and when I did, made the excuse that I wasn't doing it hard enough. I wasn't sending cards with money and periodic letters and frequent long distance calls. Same damn song as Mom, really. You both knew they were beyond my skill set, you had to have figured it out. It was the perfect condition to put on your unconditional love, wasn't it?
So yes, you are cheating me, out of what I can't really know, but I strongly suspect housing would have been solved if Mom's wishes had been respected. I also knew from the very beginning that if it was up to you to turn in a will, it was over. To the court you would say no other surviving siblings, no will. You know one of us won't and the other can't litigate, and it's safe. Then to me, you declare a will I cannot see, and yourself in charge of it all.  I called it the week of her death. Especially when you told me you'd taken her in and cared for her. Although she clearly had full time hired caregivers when she needed it, and I've seen you sitting on your couch playing your games and inhaling your nicotine. I know you, sister. I see you. 
Am I angry? Hell yeah. I am also deeply grieved as well as aggrieved because YOU stole family from me as much as Mom ever did. By choosing to enjoy hating on me and using me as your kick down object, you ruined our life long potential for friendship. Had I but one friend out there, I would have been motivated to stay, and I could have literally been your in-house unpaid nanny and housekeeper had you just seen me for myself. I would have traded for room and board and then sought additional income for my art and luxuries. Simple. Not for you, though, you never dealt with your feelings about having another baby come along. About how our father treated us. About the godawful lies our mother spread between us. About my disabilities and special skills. Nothing but self satisfying egotistical hostility.
 I can't hire a lawyer to check you.
So what is anger for? Begging, would that do much? It's not really something I'm practiced in having spent nearly 30 years learning to get past self pity when it comes sneaking up. Plus which you are definitely interested in competing with everything and anything I do, say, think, or experience. I'm having a hard time, let's listen to your trials, so much scarier, eh? (no, kind of equal, maybe, or ...) I'm trying to do something cool? You can do it 3x as well. Bully for you. Always, you were competing with me like I mattered while hating on me like I didn't, and I only ever was just me, trying to heal, to grow, to be happy with who I am. 
Do I care how you feel? Well, yeah, or I wouldn't feel aggrieved and angry, right? For multiple reasons I care. 
But I also care about palestine and USA and Venezuela and Tibet and etc. Can't fix those either, can I?
So what I am doing is focusing on anything I CAN do and learning to carry the pain as usual. 
But really, Sister, fuck you, you bitch. If you ever initiate contact again I am sure it will be because you need me and I do not think you will have my information anymore. This was the only remaining reason to update anyone out east. 

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